


And the Moonbeams Kiss the Sea

by Golyadkin



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Emotional Intimacy, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Post canon, Rating to Change, also the history boys is a good play, i just really love my boys okay?, nighttime is emotiontime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-03-24 07:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 50,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13806447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Golyadkin/pseuds/Golyadkin
Summary: Kevin Price has trouble sleeping sometimes. Connor McKinley has trouble sleeping all the time. It was probably inevitable they would see each other at some point.





	1. In the Lamplight

Kevin woke up with the feeling of a dream. It had already faded from memory, but it had left a distinct impression upon his stomach of discomfort and distress, and though he could not remember what it had contained he knew that it had been disturbing.

Laying in his bed, sweaty from the oppressive heat of the humid Ugandan climate, Kevin stared up at his ceiling, trying to understand why the dream had left him feeling this way. He grasped for any remaining images or themes, but as his brain woke up slowly the last of it fully slipped away, leaving him with the understanding that if he were to fall asleep again the dream would return. He didn’t want that. He would rather live without knowing what it was his mind had cooked up that left him so disquieted.

The heavy breathing to his left told him that Arnold was still fast asleep. More often than not these days he would vanish into the village to be with Nabulungi and Kevin had learned to not go looking for him when he woke up to find the other bed empty. Tonight, however, he turned his head to find the comforting image of his companion sleeping peacefully next to him, and at the sight of the face the feeling in his stomach softened a bit.

It did nothing to subdue the heat, though, and Kevin gracelessly kicked off his blanket, only to find the air beyond it was just as horrifically hot as the air beneath. With a groan he realized he was going to have to get up and fetch himself some water, at the very least to bring some moisture back to his tongue. He heaved himself out of bed and trod to the door, not bothering to put anything on beyond the temple garments he was already wearing.

Just as he was reaching for the door a quiet voice drifted over from he roommate. “Kevin?”

Arnold had lifted his head and was gazing at him blearily, lacking the energy to sit up entirely.

Kevin smiled at him, which he knew the other wouldn’t be able to see. “I’m just getting some water, buddy, I’ll be back in a bit,” he told him softly. “Do you want some?”

There was a mutter of something that was probably a ‘no’ and Arnold’s head disappeared back onto his pillow. Kevin would probably get him some water anyways, he was bound to be thirsty at some point in the night, it was sweltering.

He gently closed the door behind him, not wanting to wake anyone else up, and made his way to the kitchen just past the main room. On his way past the couch, he turned on a standing lamp, not wanting to walk into anything on his way back. The little hut was always so dark at night, with hardly any windows to let the moonlight in and not a single light left running through the night. It seemed a little dangerous to Kevin, at the very least they should have a nightlight or something just in case someone needed to grab a glass of water without running into a doorframe. But, reflecting on it, they were probably lucky to have electricity and running water at all. Thank goodness for church money.

In the kitchen he pulled down two cups from the cupboard and filled them up with water (not very cold, they couldn’t have too many luxuries out here). He was halfway through the process when he heard a footfall from the other room. In spite of himself, he felt his heart jump a bit, brain racing with thoughts of lions or robbers or worse. He forced himself to finish the task before turning back to the door and whispering loudly, “I told you I was coming right back, Arnold,” but the face that peered through the door following his hazarded guess was definitely not Arnold. “Elder McKinley?” he asked.

“Elder Price,” McKinley replied, apparently equally surprised to see Kevin as Kevin was to see him, “what are you doing up so late?”

Kevin briefly stood there silently, still a little hazy from sleep and confusion, but after a moment he managed to kick his brain back into gear. He held up the cups. “I’m just getting a drink of water. What are you doing up?”

McKinley stepped into the kitchen, the dim glow of the lamp in the room behind him casting a thin halo and leaving his face in utter darkness. “I thought it was a bit weird that the light was still on when I got up, I could have sworn I had turned it off,” he said, not answering Kevin’s question at all. He leaned against the doorframe casually as though they were having a normal conversation and it wasn’t 3 in the morning. “I didn’t mean to bother you, Elder Price, I didn’t know anyone was out here. I’m guessing you didn’t either.”

Suddenly remembering his lack of clothes, Kevin felt himself blush. He had a good body and he wasn’t ashamed to flaunt it when the occasion presented itself, but there was something to be said for basic modesty. He wondered how visible he was from the doorway and whether he could cover himself with his hands without it looking intentional. With a cup in either hand, he decided it was best not to chance it.

“I wasn’t going to be here long,” he told the ex-leader, “just-“ He held up the cups again. “Then back to bed.”

“Well don’t let me keep you,” McKinley replied warmly. Kevin thought he might see a smile in the shadows of his face, but it was really impossible to tell. “Go get some sleep, I’m sure you’re tired.” He pushed himself off the wall and turned to go back into the main room.

Left alone in the kitchen, Kevin stood for a moment more before following after McKinley. Expecting to find the young man gone, he was surprised to find him sitting on the couch beneath the glowing lamp, his head resting on his hand and a book sitting open in his lap. Tempted to just go back to his room and leave McKinley to whatever reading he had decided couldn’t wait until morning, Kevin’s curiosity got the better of him and he found himself standing next to the redhead and looking over his shoulder.

“What are you reading?” he asked.

McKinley gave a small start and cast a glance up at him. In the soft lighting, his young face was glowing and smooth. “It’s a play, actually,” he told him. “It’s called The History Boys. It’s very good. Kind of sad.”

“Why would you read it if it’s sad?”

“It’s cathartic.”

Kevin didn’t really know what that meant, but he nodded his head anyways as he tried to catch a glimpse of the words on the page. A combination of the dim light and the sleep in his eyes made the words impossible to decipher, and really, Kevin should have just gone on to bed, left McKinley to read his sad play, but something in the back of his mind was telling him to stay.

Carefully, he wandered around to the front of the couch and took a seat next to the other missionary, setting the water down on the floor in front of him. “What makes it so sad?” he asked.

McKinley shot him a look that was too fast to read, and then he said, “Well, it doesn’t really have any happy endings. It’s about these boys at a school who are preparing to apply for Ivy League schools and they have a teacher who’s very different from all the other teachers. He’s not a good person, though and the school finds out that he’s been-“ He frowned as though he didn’t really want to say the words he needed to say. “They want to get rid of him,” he settled on. “And there’s a new teacher who none of the boys really like, but he’s training them for their applications, and one of the students, Dakin, who everybody is in love with, really likes him, probably more than he should.”

“But there’s no happy ending?”

“No, there isn’t.”

“You’ve read it before?”

The look on McKinley’s face was odd, and Kevin wasn’t certain if he wanted him there. But if he didn’t, McKinley didn’t say, so Kevin stayed put, watching him carefully. “I’ve read it a lot,” he admitted. “It’s one of my favourites. They don’t let you bring a lot with you on your mission, but I managed to sneak it in my luggage.”

“But we’re allowed a book or two. You make it sound like you shouldn’t have this book.”

“It’s not exactly… the most Mormon-friendly story,” he said slowly, choosing his words carefully. “Not like it specifically goes against the faith or anything, but…” He turned to fully face Kevin, a careful smile set beneath questioning eyes. “Shouldn’t you be headed back to bed?”

“Shouldn’t you?”

McKinley’s smile twitched. Even in the dark, Kevin was able to see the exhaustion in his eyes and the edge of something like mistrust across his face. “I was having trouble sleeping and I didn’t want to wake up Elder Thomas,” McKinley said. Kevin didn’t think he was being entirely sincere.

“Bad dreams?” he asked. An innocent enough question, but the look on McKinley’s face, just for a second, told him everything he needed to know.

“Something like that,” he conceded.

Kevin nodded and McKinley’s eyes fell back down to his book, closed now with his finger marking the page he had been on. “Me too,” he said, and McKinley cast him a sidelong glance, the weariness in his features growing more pronounced as he let some barrier fall. Had he been trying to hide it? “Do you want to talk about it?”

McKinley shrugged and gave a small smile. “It was just a hell dream, there’s not really much to talk about,” he said, obviously trying to brush it off. “You should probably just go to bed, it’s late, you’ll be tired in the morning.”

“I don’t mind,” Kevin replied. He was genuinely surprised to find that he didn’t mind. Had it been anyone else, he thought, he probably would have just left them to it, but it was so rare to see McKinley in any state that wasn’t shining optimism. It was odd to see him like this. He looked weak and tired. He looked like he wanted Kevin to go away.

The redhead sighed and shifted in his seat to face more towards Kevin. “It’s nothing to concern yourself with, Elder Price,” he told him firmly. “It happens sometimes and I’m used to it.”

How often did a hell dream have to happen for someone to be used to it, Kevin wondered. Probably far too often. He wondered how often Elder McKinley sat up late at night rereading books he’d read a million times because he’d been woken up by hellish nightmares and was too afraid to go back to sleep. “Does Elder Thomas know?”

“He’s a heavy sleeper, I haven’t woken him up yet,” McKinley told him. “He knows I have the dreams a lot, though, I do talk to him about it. But Poptarts isn’t the most… prolific emotional support. But he does try. He has his own problems, anyways.”

“Everyone’s got problems,” Kevin said, thinking back to the difficulties of breaking off from the church, the angry messages from families, the challenge of becoming independent, truly independent, in a country they barely knew. It had been a lot to survive. McKinley had been there for all of them. Even though his title as District Leader was technically null, he still had a natural tendency to leadership. To be perfectly frank, with Arnold being the prophet of their new religion, they needed someone with leadership skills. Kevin, of course, was oozing with leadership skills, but McKinley was a natural, and the others had grown used to a certain hierarchy in the 3 months they had been there. It was an arrangement that worked well and, for the most part, Kevin was fine with it.

“And no one needs to be bothered with mine,” McKinley said quietly. And it was the saddest thing Kevin had ever heard. He supposed McKinley was fairly isolated. He had his companion, of course, but he was still a leader. He had 9 young men to take care of and organize and support, 9 young men who came to him with their problems and not a one, it seemed, who he thought he could go to.

“Bullshit,” he said. “You can talk to us about things, you know that, right? We’re a team. We’re not turning anything off anymore.”

“Knowing you can do something and actually doing it are two very different things,” McKinley told him. “And just because you can do something doesn’t make it the right thing to do. A lot of the guys here- If they thought I couldn’t handle this… I don’t want anyone thinking they can’t come to me because I’m in over my head.” He shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, eyes cast down to the couch they occupied.

Kevin looked at him for a while. He was actually wearing pyjamas, unlike Kevin, and his hair was neatly combed into place, unlike Kevin’s, and overall he looked very put-together. But his face, downcast and tired and ashamed, made him look small and vulnerable. It was heartbreaking.

After a moment’s consideration, Kevin picked up both cups of water and held one out to his friend. It was taken with a small and unconvincing smile, and Kevin took a sip from his own glass before saying, “What’s your first name?”

This made McKinley look up, startled. Titles were so regularly used that it was common for missionaries to never know anyone’s first name, and once they had been excommunicated, their particular district had just gone on using them, partially for some sense of tradition and formality, and partially because they had gotten used to it and using first names would feel weird. Up to this point, Kevin was fairly certain that everyone knew his name thanks to his disastrous first week, and of course they all knew Arnold, but he had never really bothered to look into anyone else. Oddly enough, it felt too intimate.

But here, on this couch, in the middle of the night with the whole country asleep around them, it felt okay. When McKinley opened his mouth and said, “Connor,” it felt okay. It felt normal in fact. And looking at the young man here in front of him, Kevin thought Connor suited him.

“How about this,” he said. “For right now, we’re no longer Elder Price and Elder McKinley. Right now we’re Kevin and Connor. Everything we say right now is between Kevin and Connor, and Elders Price and McKinley have nothing to do with it.”

McKinley seemed to consider it for a moment. “Okay,” he said tentatively. “Kevin and Connor.”

Kevin smiled. His heart smiled too. He was wide-awake now, no ounce of sleep left in him, and all of his attention had been set on this conversation. It was a little unusual. The whole thing was a little unusual, but specifically Kevin found it unusual to be so focused on someone who wasn’t himself. It felt good.

He took another sip of water. “What was your dream about, Connor?”

They sat there for some time talking, he wasn’t sure how long. It took a bit of time and some coaxing, but slowly he managed to get Connor to tell him all about it. In the light of the single lamp, Kevin heard about how Connor had been having hell dreams most nights since he was 11 and it had grown to every night, sometimes twice a night, by the time he had arrived in Uganda. He heard about how before Kevin had arrived most of the dreams had been about his gay thoughts, and he heard about a few of the grisly details of said dreams, and then he heard about how since that fateful visit by the President of the church the dreams had seemed to relent slightly. The past few weeks he only had the dreams most nights instead of every night and now they covered multiple topics, not the least of which was defying his family, the church, and Heavenly Father. Connor talked about the letters he had received from his parents talking about disappointment and betrayal, and he talked about how he hadn’t received any letters from his siblings at all since the Book of Arnold came into being. He talked about how he missed them.

At some point during the conversation, which mostly involved Connor venting his fears and frustrations and Kevin listening patiently, tears had begun to drip down Connor’s face. He very much looked like he was trying to fight it, but was losing the battle badly. When he started talking about how he had forced himself to limit physical contact with his friends, both to keep himself in line and then, later, to keep anyone from thinking he was trying anything, the tears began to flow freely. Soon he was crying so hard he couldn’t speak.

Kevin gently removed the cup of water from Connor’s hand and placed both of their drinks back on the ground. Then he edged forward on the couch and took Connor into a hug. Connor held onto him tightly, sobbing into his shirt, and all Kevin could do was rub his back in silence. He wasn’t really sure what to do. He’d never been very good at his own emotions let alone other people’s. He vaguely wondered what time it was. ‘You wouldn’t be in this situation if you had just gone back to bed,’ a selfish part of his mind told him. ‘You could be sleeping peacefully.’

He shook his head, trying to dislodge the thought. He would rather be right here where Connor needed him. It was obvious the poor boy had been holding in a lot more than he thought and desperately needed to talk it out. Kevin was just too good at providing an outlet, they should have gone slower and then McKinley wouldn’t be a crying wreck. 

“I’m sorry,” came a trembling voice from Kevin’s shoulder. “I don’t know why I’m crying, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Kevin told him, his attention immediately back on the young man in his arms. “It’s good to cry, you need to let it out sometimes.”

“It’s selfish to talk about myself so much, especially when you’re in the same boat.”

An alarm suddenly blared in Kevin’s head. “What do you mean?”

Connor pushed away from Kevin, wiping at his reddened eyes and sounding like he was about to burst into tears all over again. “We’re both out here because of hell dreams, but I’m the only one crying about it. We haven’t even talked about what your dream was because I can’t shut up about myself for two seconds.”

Kevin felt a little guilty, but he wasn’t sure why. “I didn’t have a hell dream,” he said, “I just had a bad dream, and it wasn’t even that bad, I don’t even remember it. I only got up because I was thirsty and wanted some water.”

Connor sniffed pathetically and threw his hands into the air. “All you wanted was water and here I am making you listen to my sob story. I’m sorry, Kevin, I shouldn’t have said anything, I should’ve just gone back to my room when I saw that light on.”

Kevin felt horrible. He wanted to help Connor, he wanted the redhead to know it was okay, this is what he signed up for, but he wasn’t really sure how to go about telling him. “It’s okay, really,” he settled on and internally he kicked himself. He tried again, “Connor, listen, I’m always here. I’m always ready to help you through this stuff, you don’t need to go through it on your own.” Connor put his face in his palm and grimaced, fighting off tears again most likely. “I’m here for you and Poptarts and Arnold and Nabulungi and all of us, we’re not going anywhere. And you should cry as much as you want to. That’s important, okay? I want to you promise me that, okay? That you’ll cry when you need to and you’ll talk to someone when you need to.”

Connor didn’t reply, but the shaking in his shoulders had stilled and Kevin was very aware this could be either a good or a bad sign. ‘Don’t turn it off,’ he willed. When Connor finally lifted his face, Kevin was relieved to not see that horrible fake smile he had come to know as McKinley’s ‘emotions are bad, time to stop feeling them’ smile. Instead he just looked destroyed, his eyes puffy, his face blotchy, and his expression was one of deep despondency. Kevin’s heart broke at the sight of it.

“Thank you, Kevin,” he said, voice still far too low and rough from crying. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I really am grateful that you would sit with me through this. I hope it doesn’t change your view of me at all.”

“Why would it?” Kevin asked, trying to smile encouragingly. “You’re Connor, I’ve never met you before. I only know Elder McKinley.”

Connor stared at him and a slow, tired smile spread across his features. He let out a short laugh and instantly covered his mouth with a hand, but the smile didn’t disappear. “Thanks, Kevin,” he said again. He laughed again and dipped his head, running his fingers through his hair. “Gosh, I’ve probably woken up half the mission with all that noise.” He rested his chin in his hand and looked out at the darkened room, the bright smile on his face a sharp contrast to his watery eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

Something inside of Kevin’s chest flipped and he smiled too. 

“Kevin?” called a groggy voice from the doorway. Speak of the devil.

As Connor diverted his gaze, not wanting to be seen in this state, Kevin turned to find a very sleepy Arnold standing in the hall. His eyes were bleary and he wasn’t wearing his glasses, heaven knows how he had managed to make it down that dark hallway by himself.

“Hey Arnold.”

“You said you’d be right back, but you weren’t right back, you’re still out here.”

Kevin exchanged a bemused look with Connor and turned back to his partner. “I’ll be right there, Arn, I’m just gonna grab some more water. Go back to bed.”

Arnold nodded. “M’kay,” he said as he disappeared back down the hall.

Kevin turned an apologetic smile to Connor who was looking significantly better if a little weary. “I guess I have to go,” he said. “It was nice meeting you, Connor. Go get some sleep.”

“You too, Kev,” Connor replied, and Kevin couldn’t help but grin.

Kevin went into the kitchen and refilled his cup, retrieving a clean one for Arnold and filling that up too. He was relieved when he came back through the main room to find it was empty. Heading back to his bedroom, he turned out the light.


	2. Planet Legoland

Kevin woke up to find he was alone. The bed next to him was empty and Arnold Cunningham was nowhere to be seen. He lay there in the dark listening to the silence and willing himself to fall back to sleep, but the more time went on the more apparent it became that he wasn’t going to. After several weeks of cohabitation, the gentle snores of his companion had become like a soothing white noise machine, and the quiet just didn’t feel natural anymore.

He sighed and rolled onto his side, resigned to another sleepless night (or nearly sleepless he supposed) when something caught his eye. There was a light coming from under his door, very dim and barely present, but there. It only took a second for his brain to remind him, ‘McKinley.’

It had been a week since that night they had run into each other in the living room and since then Kevin had been sleeping reasonably well. McKinley had been looking better rested too, but they hadn’t really spoken much in that week so he couldn’t know. Kevin hadn’t specifically been avoiding him and he hoped that McKinley hadn’t been avoiding him either, they had just been busy. Right? Did it bother him? He wasn’t sure. McKinley had cast him some smiles, but he hadn’t blatantly admired him in ages, not like he used to.

In spite of the state of affairs in District 9 the young Elders had kept reasonably close to the traditions they had followed prior to their excommunication. As such, they usually paired off with their designated companions. It was fine by Kevin, who even after spending quite a bit of time in Uganda had only really grown closer to Arnold. Certainly he had developed friendships with the other Elders and certain members of the community, but they were still relatively close to the periphery of his social sphere, much like his relationships back home. The only problem with the pairing off deal was that he never really spent any time with McKinley.

He didn’t necessarily feel the need to, but it would have been nice to talk a bit. The conversation they had had previously was off limits, of course, but knowing someone’s issues and all of their fears and anxieties was a far cry from friendship. He would like to be better friends with McKinley. But McKinley was essentially at the centre of the Mission, constantly working with the others, holding a tight bond with seemingly everyone except Kevin. Sure he had a slight infatuation with Kevin, it wasn’t a surprise, but it never led anywhere and probably never would. He was always too busy preventing everything from falling apart.

There were never any times when McKinley was alone, which seemed like the only way in which Kevin could achieve his undivided attention and thus actually get to know the guy. Aside from that one night of teary confessions of course. And possibly right now. 

He stared at the faint glow for several minutes, considering his options and feeling a growing sense of apprehension as he realized he was going to go talk to him. He had to right? Clearly if McKinley was awake at this time of night there was something wrong, right? Another hell dream or something. He couldn’t just leave him alone out there. Right?

It was the worry that got him to swing his legs out of bed at last and he felt an odd thrill of anticipation in his chest as he turned the doorknob. Leaving his bedroom door open, he quietly padded down the hall and into the lamplight. Just as he had been the week before, McKinley was curled up on the couch beneath the lamp, looking down at the book in his lap. Kevin approached him silently.

“The History Boys again?” he asked and McKinley’s head jerked up in surprise. The startled look on his face was quickly replaced with a gentle smile.

“I’m almost finished it,” he said happily, face aglow with amber light. “Just finished the motorcycle scene and well on my way to getting my feelings hurt.”

Kevin took a seat on the far end of the couch. “I don’t know how you can read something that doesn’t have a happy ending,” he said, being a big fan of the happily ever afters in the animated movies of his childhood. “Isn’t real life bad enough?”

McKinley laughed, eyes fixed on the page in front of him. “Sometimes you have to read sad things so you can feel sad without anything bad actually happening,” he said, still smiling. “It’s cathartic.”

Once again, Kevin wasn’t sure what that meant, but once again he nodded as though he understood. For a while they sat in silence, McKinley reading with a contented expression and Kevin watching him, his heart beating just a bit too fast. He didn’t know what the protocol was right now. He wasn’t even sure if he should be calling the young man ‘Elder McKinley’ or ‘Connor’ tonight. He seemed happier this time, like everything in that moment was okay, but it very well could have been a show. How was he supposed to approach this?

“Are you okay?” he asked, trying not to sound too concerned.

McKinley looked up at him, expression halfway between confused and reassuring. “I’m fine, Kevin,” he said (first names then) and for a moment Kevin believed him.

“Did you have a hell dream?”

“Wow, right to the point tonight,” McKinley said, closing the book and looking out into the shadowy room. He folded his hands in his lap, not bothering to mark his page and gave Kevin a tight smile. “I did have a hell dream,” he told him matter-of-factly, “but it’s not something I want to talk about tonight. It wasn’t anything new, and it’s not something I feel like reliving.”

Kevin nodded. A little sharp, but he could take a hint. Still, he wasn’t ready to leave just yet. “Sorry for interrupting you,” he muttered, not too big to admit he was a little hurt.

“That’s okay, it’s not like I haven’t read it before.” Connor relaxed a little, leaning back against the armrest. “Is there a reason you’re up?”

Glad he hadn’t completely offended the man, Kevin shrugged. “I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. Saw the light was on and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

He thought Connor might have blushed a little. He certainly smiled shyly. “That’s very kind of you.” Then he looked concerned. “The light didn’t wake you up, did it? I always try to be quiet, but I need to see.”

“No! No, I could barely see it at all,” Kevin reassured. This was a whole other kind of awkward from their last encounter. Maybe it had been a mistake. “I think I woke up when Arnold left. Or maybe a bit after. It’s too quiet in there without him snoring.”

Connor smirked in lieu of laughing. “Sneaking out to see Nabulungi? He realizes he’s the Prophet, right? He can pretty much do whatever he wants, I’m not in charge anymore.” He glanced over to the front door. “Gosh, I didn’t even hear him leave, it must have been ages ago.”

“How long have you been up?”

“I dunno. About 10 pages. Hard to say. We should really get a clock in here.”

Kevin laughed softly. “Yeah, but I don’t think it really matters when you don’t have a schedule. We’re not so organized as we used to be.”

“Elder Davis might be on time, for once, though.” Kevin raised his eyebrows. Connor covered his mouth, looking pleased, but guilty. “Did that sound mean? I didn’t mean for it to. Elder Davis is a wonderful person, don’t tell him I said that.”

“Don’t tell him you think he’s a wonderful person? Okay.”

Connor grinned and swatted at Kevin with his book. “You know what I mean! Don’t twist my words like that.”

Kevin smiled broadly too and kicked at Connor gently, feeling playful. “Okay, tomorrow I’ll tell Elder Davis you think he’s wonderful.”

“Oh hush,” Connor admonished him, smile never wavering. It was a lovely smile, Kevin thought, big and genuine. “Shouldn’t you be in bed, young man?”

“Shouldn’t you?” Kevin countered.

“If the Prophet’s up then I can be up too. All rules out the window.”

“That’s a very bold statement coming from you.”

Connor shrugged. “I’m getting to be a pretty bold person,” he said, “one of the benefits of being unorganized.” From his voice, he was only half joking, the echo of truth in his words. For a moment he chewed on his lip as though mulling something over in his head. Kevin watched patiently. No, he didn’t watch, he was just waiting. Patiently. He was waiting patiently. If the sight of Connor looking thoughtful and biting his lip made Kevin’s heart pump a little faster and his stomach get a bit tingly, well… it was probably just anxiety from the prolonged silence. “Do you like dancing, Kevin?” Connor asked at last.

It wasn’t what he had expected. Sort of out of the blue. A part of Kevin’s mind, somewhere way at the back was wondering if this was some kind of weird invitation to start dancing, and another part of his mind, just a little behind it, got a thrill from the prospect. He’d never really danced before, he wasn’t sure if he liked it. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “It’s pretty to watch, I guess, but I never got into it or anything. Bet I’d be good at it though.”

“I like dancing,” Connor told him, running his fingers through his already perfect hair. He wasn’t looking at Kevin now, but his eyes weren’t distant either. Everyone knew Connor liked to dance, it was no great revelation, but he was acting like it was some major secret he had never told anybody. “I took some lessons when I was younger – I asked to go when my sister started – but my dad pulled me out pretty quick. I’d like to go back to it, though.”

“Sounds like something Bold Connor could handle,” Kevin answered, uncertain what Connor was trying to gain by telling him this. From what he’d seen, the redhead was a good dancer, not great, but enthusiastic. Kevin had seen him dance in the kitchen before when he thought he was by himself, and occasionally he would dance with some of the kids in the village. There wasn’t much call for it here, though. Or anywhere, Kevin supposed. He guessed it wasn’t really the point.

“Is there anything you ever wanted to do?” Connor asked, leaning his head on his hand, pure curiosity in his eyes. “Did you ever want to do something you weren’t brave enough for?”

Kevin thought about it.

Beyond serving Heavenly Father and going to Orlando, there wasn’t much Kevin had ever aspired to. When he was younger and adults had asked him, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Kevin would say something impossible like, “Mickey Mouse,” or, “a horse,” or something else along those lines. He hadn’t even given much thought to what he wanted to do after his mission, he had just been focused on being a good Mormon boy. It’s the only thing anyone really encouraged him to do. Kind of a waste now, he supposed.

“When I was younger,” Kevin replied slowly, remembering a fleeting desire he had felt in middle school, “I wanted to go to outer space.”

“Like an astronaut?” Connor asked, a soft smile twinkling in his eyes. That was a nice kind of smile too.

“Sort of,” Kevin said. He didn’t remember much about this desire. It had mostly been while they were talking about the solar system in class and once they had covered the topic and moved on to something else so had his aspirations. “I didn’t really get as specific as astronaut, I just wanted to get into space and see all the planets and stars and stuff. I didn’t really care how it happened.” It had been a pretty abstract idea. He’d imagine himself free-floating through space and all the planets being much, much smaller than they actually were. He imagined visiting God on his planet and Jesus as well; he wondered what his grandparents’ planet would look like and if it would smell like old people like they had. He imagined his own planet in endless variations.

Now that his beliefs had been shaken so deeply, he didn’t know how that factored into the whole planet thing. “Do you think we’re still gonna get planets when we die?”

“Probably not,” Connor said. “I don’t know what’s going to happen when we die, but at this point I doubt it will be anything good.”

“I’d still like to have a planet,” Kevin mused.

“Planet Orlando?” Connor asked with a smirk.

He didn’t really like how easily Connor had recalled Kevin’s major goal in life or how true it still was. But he did like being teased by Connor, so he pretended his bruised ego was a joke and said, “Maybe. Maybe I’m thinking Planet Legoland, you don’t know.”

Connor laughed and the sound of it delighted Kevin. It seemed like everything Connor did tonight delighted him. “I’m hoping you’re not picturing a planet made entirely of Lego because my feet hurt just thinking about it.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Real Legoland isn’t made entirely of Lego, it just has a lot of it. It’s got normal streets and stuff.”

“Have you been to Legoland?”

“No,” Kevin admitted, a warmth rising in his belly at the amusement on Connor’s face. What on Earth was happening to him? “I’ve never been to Legoland. It was probably a bad example, but I feel like I would like Legoland if I went, so I stand by it.”

Connor was giggling helplessly now, his hand pressed over his mouth in a desperate attempt to keep from waking the whole house. “You can just admit you want your own Planet Orlando, you know,” he said through his fingers. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“How did you even find out about that anyways? I only told Arnold about Planet Orlando, which is not” – he raised a finger to deter any accusations – “even a big deal, by the way. I was in an emotional state.”

“Of course you were,” Connor said, laying a hand on Kevin’s forearm as though to sooth him, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m sure a lot of people yell about Planet Orlando when they get upset. Happens to me all the time.” Kevin rolled his eyes. Playful Connor was turning out to be a real pain in the ass. He didn’t mind, though. “And to answer your question, Poptarts told me.”

Kevin squinted at him incredulously. “How does Poptarts know?” he asked, feeling more and more like his innermost desires were actually some big laughingstock amongst the Elders.

“Naba told him,” Connor said.

“You know what? I should have just assumed everyone would know the second I told Arnold.”

“Oh, he’s not that bad.”

“No, he’s not,” Kevin agreed, smiling fondly both at the thought of his best friend’s endearing inability to keep a secret and at the boy sitting in front of him, now cross-legged and seemingly incapable of suppressing a smile. “Arnold’s a good guy. I’m lucky to have him.”

“He’s lucky to have you, too,” Connor told him softly. “I think we’re all kind of lucky in a way. I don’t know what I would do without Poptarts. It’s good to have somebody who’s there for you no matter what.” The mood had taken a turn. The tired giddiness they had been feeling had smoothed out into a comfortable companionship. Kevin had never felt quite this contented before. He had never felt quite this relaxed around someone before.

Before he could open his mouth to say so, or anything else really, Connor held forward the book he had been holding in his lap. Kevin looked down at it, then back up to Connor. Connor smiled encouragingly and waved the book a bit as though to say, “take this.” Kevin obeyed silently, taking the paperback into his own hands and turning it over to look at the cover. “Take it for a while,” Connor told him as Kevin examined the young faces that graced the cover of The History Boys. “You can give it back to me later, but I want you to read it. I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.”

Kevin nodded, touched by the gesture, but more than a little confused as well. “You think I’ll like it?” he asked.

“Who knows,” Connor answered, “I just feel like it’s important that you read it.”

“I’ll get it back to you the second I’ve finished,” Kevin promised, not wanting to keep Connor’s favourite book for longer than he needed to.

“Take your time,” Connor said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’ve read it more times than I can count. I’m worried if I read it again I’ll start to hate it.” They looked at each other for a moment longer and for a brief moment Kevin thought the redhead might lean forward and-

Well.

He didn’t, that was the main thing. Connor broke eye contact first, looking down at his hands and taking a deep breath. “We should probably go back to bed,” he said quietly. The thought of it made Kevin’s heart drop a little, but when Connor looked back up at him he was still smiling shyly. “Let me know what you think of the play, though, I want to hear everything.”

“Will do. Thanks, Connor.”

Connor’s smile grew and he stood up from the couch. “No problem, Kev. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

When Kevin had returned to his room and crawled back into bed his eyes were drooping. He placed the book carefully next to his cot and ran his fingers over the cover. His heart was glowing.

~

Kevin was never much of a reader. His natural tendency was more toward action than theory and thought. Some people called him impulsive, but he much preferred the term goal-oriented. But it felt important that he read this play, partially because Connor had asked him to and partially because there wasn’t really much else to do. Although he was beginning to understand why Connor read it in the middle of the night when no one else was around.

Kevin had made the unfortunate mistake of reading on the couch after dinner, a time when all of the Elders would congregate in that room to do whatever they felt like. Tonight they felt like playing their seldom used High School Musical board game, which had become a surprisingly loud argument about rules and whether Troy and Gabriella really deserved the lead roles in the play over Ryan and Sharpay. “They weren’t strong singers! They didn’t even put any effort into it!” “Have you heard Zac Effron sing or did you miss the entire movie?!” “They weren’t on time to literally anything! That’s super disrespectful to the director and everyone else involved!” “Sharpay was mean to them!”

He probably could have just gone to his room, but he would much rather be out here where all the action was. Trying to focus on the book was feeling rather pointless, especially when the dialogue was so pretentious. Maybe he would just watch the movie.

Elder Michaels was currently attempting to sing along to the DVD’s Bop to the Top in order to win his next card while Elder Neeley was informing Elder Church that Troy and Gabriella’s friends were way meaner to them than the Evanses ever were, and besides that Ryan’s character development in the second movie negated his poor decisions in the first movie. “Now hold on!” cried Elder Church and Elder Davis lay back on the floor, submitting to the fact that they were never going to progress.

Kevin found himself laughing. He really wanted to join in, if he was being honest with himself, he could wipe the floor with these guys and do a stellar performance of Getcha Head in the Game while he was at it. But a promise was a promise and Kevin was anything but a quitter. The harder the book was to get through, the more determined he was to finish it. But maybe it would be better to wait until they had all gone to bed.

“Excuse me, Elder Price,” said Elder Thomas, who had been in the kitchen, but was now suddenly at his elbow. Kevin looked up at him and found the Elder looking down at the book he was still holding open. “I was wondering if I could have a word with you?” he asked.

It sounded serious and Kevin’s nerves were immediately on edge. “Of course, Elder,” Kevin replied, closing the book. Thomas led Kevin away from the others, who were currently in a full-out war over the implications of the I Don’t Dance musical number to Ryan and Chad’s relationship, and into the hall leading to their rooms. They stopped short of actually entering a room and Elder Thomas turned to face him in the narrow passage.

“I know what you’ve been doing for Elder McKinley,” he started, “and I just wanted to say thank you.”

Kevin was confused. Clearly, McKinley would tell his mission companion about their nighttime conversations but he didn’t think they were all that significant. All they did was talk and it had only been a couple of times, it wasn’t like he was making a major impact on someone’s life. “What have I been doing for Elder McKinley?” he asked, frowning.

“Just, y’know, talking to him. He doesn’t like talking to be about personal stuff, but I know he’s got a lot going on. He told me you talked to him last night and you really helped him, so thanks for that. I don’t think he really ever knows how to talk about this stuff, but you make it easy for him. He’s only had two hell dreams this week, that’s a big improvement!”

It was like a revelation hearing it from Poptarts’ mouth. He had known how bad it had been, but it had still been such an abstract concept to him. In all likelihood, Poptarts had seen McKinley at his worst and from what Connor had told him, Poptarts wasn’t great at handling it. “All I did was talk to him,” Kevin said, mostly to himself.

“But that’s just it, though, he doesn’t talk to anybody. You’re the most stubborn guy here, he probably couldn’t get rid of you if he tried. He needs someone like that, who he can’t make go away.”

Kevin felt like he was being insulted somehow, but since it was also a compliment his ego was in a deep state of confusion, so he just said, “Thank you?”

“No, thank you,” Poptarts insisted. “For real, this is a big deal. You don’t know how long I’ve been trying to get him to talk it out with me, Elder Price, it’s like a huge weight’s been lifted off him. He won’t tell me what you talked about, still, and that’s fine, he’s a private person, but it’s good he’s finally doing something about it and it’s all thanks to you!”

Pride swelled in Kevin’s chest and he had to fight back a winning smile. ‘Don’t be selfish,’ he had to remind himself, ‘this isn’t about you.’ But that admiration on Elder Thomas’ face combined with the praise he was spouting… okay, maybe he would let himself be a bit proud, he’d earned it apparently. “Nice of you to say, Elder Poptarts,” Kevin said, and Poptarts beamed at him at the sound of his prized nickname.

“Well, he’s given you his book, Elder Price, that’s huge. It means he really likes you, probably more than he likes me, even.”

“Does it?” Kevin’s heart was stirring.

“Sure! I’ve never seen him lend that book to anyone, so it’s got to mean something, right? He loves that thing, but I’ve never read it.” Kevin looked down at the book he was still holding, feeling now like it was something precious. Did it really mean that much? Obviously Connor liked him, who wouldn’t, but could it be more than that? Did he want it to mean more? “Y’know,” Poptarts continued, “He’s always working so hard, I get worried sometimes that he works too hard, but he always makes time to read. Even when he gets up in the middle of the night after a bad one, he still takes the book with him.”

“And he gave it to me?” Kevin was still struggling to understand the implications. He knew that he very much wanted this to mean something, to mean he was some special person for McKinley, but he didn’t know why he wanted it. He knew that McKinley probably had feelings for him, anyone with eyes could see that, but was it deeper than the infatuation he had assumed it was? Most importantly, what was this feeling he was growing for McKinley? For Connor? It shouldn’t have been this hard to identify, but still it escaped him.

Elder Thomas seemed to see the confusion and struggle happening in Kevin’s head, and he opened his mouth to say something. But he seemed to think better of it and, instead, extended a hand to pat Elder Price stiffly on the shoulder. Then he pursed his lips, gave an awkward nod, and returned to the kitchen to help with the dishes.

Kevin was left standing in the hallway by himself, holding the precious book in both hands, but staring at the wall in front of him as though it might hold the answer to what he was feeling. Slowly, he wandered back into the main room where the Elders had abandoned their High School Musical game in favour of a round of Go Fish. Elder Neeley seemed to be brooding on the couch, pretending not to watch them play and casting dirty looks to Elder Church. In the adjoining kitchen, Kevin could hear the sounds of dishes clinking and conversational voices. Poptarts and McKinley.

He wished he were better at knowing what people were thinking. He wished he were better at knowing what he himself was thinking too. He wished there were someone he could talk to about it who was actually good at this sort of thing.

McKinley had stepped into view and Kevin could see him through the doorway, smiling at something Poptarts had said while he toweled down a plate. Poptarts said something else and McKinley let out a hearty laugh, eyes shut tight and pure joy radiating from him. Kevin felt a prickle like electricity run through his skin.

Kevin was good at a lot of things. He was good at sports, he was good at singing, he was good at convincing people to question their religious beliefs to the point where they would consider converting to one that was made up on the spot and yet was at it’s core similar to one that already existed. He was good at following rules. He was not good at emotions. Righteousness and anger, sure. Pride, definitely. But he didn’t really have a lot of experience when it came to matters of the heart, as his mother called it. He needed help.

With a bit of dread, Kevin realized he was going to have to talk to Arnold about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kevin. Poor Connor. Poor Poptarts. I honestly didn't intend for the book to become integral to the story but here we are, folks. Life takes us all kinds of crazy ways. If there's any mistakes let me know so I can fix them, I'm a bit feverish rn. And for the record? Ryan Evans should be the lead always and Troy and Gabriella shouldn't have gotten those roles in the school musical. Just sayin'.


	3. The Companion Connection

“What do you mean it’s not that surprising?”

Arnold shrugged. “I dunno, Kev, I guess it just kind of makes sense.”

“That doesn’t clear it up at all, I hope you realize that.”

“I mean, like…” Arnold searched for the words. “He’s pretty much your only authority figure here, it makes sense you’d wanna impress him, you sorta have a thing for that.”

“I do not.” He did.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing!” Arnold yelped, suddenly realizing his words might be misconstrued as criticism. “I’m just saying… It’s not that surprising.”

Kevin sighed and looked away from where Arnold was sitting cross-legged on the couch. He himself had taken up residence of the couches weathered arm, a little too on edge to occupy the cushion. The rest of the Elders were currently out completing their daily chores – distributing water, unpacking new book shipments, tending the community garden they had started ¬– and Elders Price and Cunningham had been tasked with cleaning the hut. They hadn’t really gotten started yet and Kevin wasn’t sure how the Prophet of their religion had managed to land himself on the chore chart, but he currently had other things on his mind.

“It’s not really wanting to impress him,” Kevin tried to explain. “I don’t know what it is, it’s like… It’s like I just want to make him happy because seeing him happy makes me happy.”

Arnold took on a serious expression as he tried to unpack the statement. “Kevin,” he began, slowly and with gravity, “is it possible you’re experiencing… empathy?”

Kevin looked at him incredulously. “Empa- No! It’s something else. You think I don’t feel empathy?”

Arnold’s eyebrows shot up. “Well, I don’t know! That’s what it sounds like! I have no idea what happens in your head on a daily basis!”

“This is useless,” Kevin said, throwing up his hands in defeat. “And where’s Nabulungi, you said she would be here?” He had the hopes that in spite of his companion’s emotional unawareness, his girlfriend might have the wherewithal to help him sort out his thoughts and feelings. There really wasn’t anyone else in the village he trusted more with this.

“She’ll be here soon, I sent her a text,” Arnold said, “Kimbay should have gotten it to her by now. Do you really think this is a big deal, dude?” he asked, full of concern, “Do you think you’re dying? Do you feel ill? Any other symptoms?” He was starting to get worked up and Kevin had to send him a withering gaze.

“I’m fine, Arnold, just a little… confused.” He looked around at the room, anywhere but at Arnold.

Confusion was probably an understatement and maybe a little inaccurate. Kevin almost knew what he was feeling, but it was different than he thought it would be and considering he didn’t have any foreknowledge he figured it was best to keep a skeptical eye on it. Above all else, he didn’t want to look like an idiot. Or a jerk. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, which was why he desperately needed to talk to someone who had some basic understanding of whatever the hell it was that was going on.

“My mom told me once that people sometimes use the word ‘confused’ when really they’re just scared,” Arnold said absently as he played with a loose thread on the couch cushion.

“I’m not scared. Why would I be scared?”

“I don’t think she meant it about stuff like this,” he said. “Or maybe she did. I don’t really remember, I was watching TV I think.

The door opened at that moment and Kevin was relieved to see Nabulungi walk through, a pleasant smile gracing her face at the sight of her two favourite Mormon boys. “Hello,” she called out, hurrying over to give Arnold a kiss on the temple and then swinging around to take a seat on the empty cushion between them. “I got your text,” she told Arnold. “What has happened to Elder Price this time?”

“I’m right here,” Kevin said, irritated.

Nabulungi turned in her seat to face him. “What has happened, Elder Price? Arnold said you were having problems.”

“Kevin’s having boy problems,” Arnold told her and she nodded knowingly.

“Can we please not call it that?” Kevin asked, embarrassed enough as it was. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Was it too late to grab the broom and pretend to sweep for a while?

“What kind of boy problems?” she asked, directing her question to Arnold rather than acknowledging the owner of the problems sitting directly next to her.

“It’s Elder McKinley,” Arnold explained, jumping right on in to Kevin’s exasperation, “they’ve been spending time together and Kevin doesn’t know what it means. He says he’s feeling empathy.”

“I’m not-“

“That is a very difficult situation,” Naba agreed, cutting Kevin off mid-protest. She turned to him at last and asked, “Do you like him?”

Kevin sputtered a bit. “I mean, yes? Kind of? But in a platonic way. A 100% totally platonic way. I think. He’s a really nice guy, why wouldn’t I like him?”

“Oh,” Arnold cut in. “Also, he’s in denial.”

“I’m not in denial!” Kevin said, heavily regretting bringing either of them into the situation, but mostly Arnold. “I really want to be his friend, just his friend, but I think, maybe, he might want something more? Like, he gave me this book he really likes and asked me to read it, but it’s really boring. Technically, it’s a play, but it’s the book of the play. And he keeps telling me secrets and stuff that he doesn’t really tell other people and Poptarts told me it’s kind of a big deal. But I don’t think it is, really, we just talk sometimes, only like twice, and he never tries to talk during the day, only at night when we’re alone. Does that mean he’s embarrassed by me? Or embarrassed to be telling me these things, I mean. Is there something wrong with me that he doesn’t talk to me around other people? I thought he liked me. In a more than platonic way. But maybe I was wrong? Maybe it was just because I was new and interesting and he thought I could help the Mission and everything. But I flubbed it, so maybe that’s why he doesn’t talk to me, because I made a mess of things. But then why would he talk to me at night anyways? Is it just because I happened to show up? Would he have talked to anybody and I just happened to be the guy who walked in on him? But Poptarts said it was because I never quit, which I don’t, but he said it in a really mean way, I think, so I’m a bit confused about that too, but it’s not important. I just want to know what Connor’s feeling and why I feel weird around him. What’s going on? I just don’t get it.”

After a pause, Arnold leaned across Nabulungi to pat Kevin gently on the knee. “You’re a mess, dude,” he said.

“I know I’m a mess, that’s why I need help.”

Naba looked at him quizzically. “What do you feel when you’re around him?”

Kevin sighed. “Like I said, I really want to be his friend. It makes me nervous, though, that he doesn’t want to be friends. It makes my stomach feel weird and my heart gets kinda fluttery. And I just really like making him smile, you know? I think it’s important. And when he smiles and feels good then I smile and feel good because, for the record, he has a really good smile. And laugh, actually, but he’s always trying to keep it quiet because it’s night and we don’t want to wake anyone up. But, just, making him feel good makes me feel good and I like seeing him all relaxed like that, which never happens during the day, but I wish it did. He deserves to feel happy all the time. I want to make him happy.”

Nabulungi took it all in and then she leaned over to Arnold and said, “He’s got it bad.” To which it was Arnold’s turn to nod sagely.

Hot embarrassment flashed through Kevin’s gut and he frowned even as he blushed. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make people feel good,” Kevin said, feeling like he was being judged, though these were the last people who would judge him.

“Of course not, buddy,” Arnold said patronizingly. “Nothing wrong with wanting to kiss people either.”

“I don’t want to kiss him, though.”

“Kevin,” Naba said, looking at him earnestly. She had a way of giving attention when she got serious that commanded strict focus on nothing else but her. The firmness of her voice was exactly what he needed right now. “Have you talked to him about this?”

Kevin balked at the idea. “What? No! Why would I intentionally make myself look stupid like that?”

“I think you should try talking to him during the day,” she told him, sounding like she knew what she was taking about, but Kevin was cynical. “If you really want to be friends with him… or more… then make an effort.”

Kevin stood up now, preferring to pace his anxiety away. “But he never talks to me during the day, that’s the problem, he’s a completely different person when the sun’s up!”

“How would you know if you’ve never talked to him,” Arnold pointed out. Kevin shot him a glare that he didn’t mean. He was absolutely right, though, and Kevin resented the fact. Talking things through were always a good way to understand things, and teachers always told him there were no stupid questions. But they were wrong, there were definitely stupid questions, people asked stupid questions every day, and somehow it was getting very, very hard to figure out which questions were stupid and which ones were not.

“Kevin, if you really like this boy then you should try to change things,” Naba suggested.

“But why should I? He hasn’t tried to, so why should it fall on me?”

“Maybe he thinks the same as you do?”

Kevin stopped walking and crossed his arms. Everything Nabulungi was saying (Arnold too, but whatever) made logical sense, but this wasn’t a situation of logic. If it was logic he could handle it. This was way more complicated than that and it couldn’t be solved by just diving in headfirst without dipping a toe in the water first. The problem was, he didn’t know how to dip a toe. Subtlety, admittedly, was another thing he wasn’t perfect at.

“You’re overthinking it,” Arnold said, cutting into his thoughts. “I can sense it through our companion connection, you’re making this into a whole big thing in your head, but it’s not really that bad.”

“Our what?”

“Companion connection,” he repeated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “It’s like a telepathic bond between mission companions, I can just, like, tell what you’re thinking and feeling. Like right now, I can tell you’re thinking, ‘this is ridiculous and Arnold is just making things up,’ and now you’re wishing I would just be quiet.”

“I don’t think you need a telepathic bond to figure that one out,” Kevin said witheringly.

“Narcolepsy’s right, Kevin, you just gotta talk to the guy, it’ll make things way easier, believe me.” Nabulungi smiled at Arnold and put her arm around his back, and Kevin felt a momentary spike of envy. They made it look so easy.

“I don’t even know how to start,” he admitted. “What would I say?”

“You could try asking to be friends?” Nabulungi suggested. In the way she said it, he thought she might mean something other than friends, innocent though it was. “Just go to him and say ‘Elder McKinley, I would like to be your friend.’”

He chewed on his lip worriedly. “That’s pretty straightforward,” he said.

“You could just say what you feel,” Arnold suggested. “Just tell him what you told us and I’m sure he’ll get it. Then, like, there’s no pressure on him to decide anything, he just knows the facts.”

“Honesty,” Nabulungi agreed, “is the best way to avoid misunderstanding. Elder McKinley is a nice man, like you said, and if you trust him I am certain he will not hate you afterwards.”

A real boost of confidence there. God, what if Connor did hate him afterwards? What then? He couldn’t exactly avoid the guy, they lived in the same house, ate the same food, it would be a hazard to his health to have McKinley hate him. He’d never seen McKinley hate anyone before. It was a rather ominous notion.

“You know what?” he said, holding up his hands. “This is going a beyond what I needed help with. Thanks to both of you, but all I wanted was to know what my feelings meant and that’s it. That’s all I’m ready for today.”

The couple on the couch smiled at him with fondness and excitement, and he wished they would stop. “You like him, Kevin,” Naba said. “The flutter in your heart and the wobble in your stomach, that means you like him.” She giggled sweetly. “You have a crush on him.”

“But it doesn’t feel right,” he said, exasperated and feeling like they were going around in circles. “This doesn’t feel like I thought it would at all.”

“Have you never had a crush before?”

Kevin sat down on the floor, cross-legged before the couch, feeling more and more confused with each passing moment. “Yes? Maybe? I dunno, I think so? What’s a crush supposed to feel like?”

“Like butterflies in your tummy,” Arnold jumped in, excited at the prospect. “Like when you’re in the same room as them you want to look at them a lot and talk to them and be near them and when they notice you it’s like Heavenly Father gave you a gift and it makes your heart go crazy.”

It was all sounding far too familiar. “But this isn’t entirely like that,” he said. “I get really nervous around him, like I’m seconds away from saying the wrong thing at any given moment. And I’m always worried he’s gonna figure it out or tell me to leave because I’m bothering him, and I always get worried about him. I just never stop worrying about him.”

“Maybe because you’re a worrywart?” Arnold suggested in a teasing tone. “You’re always worried about what other people think, you just pretend you don’t because you don’t want them to know you’re worried what they think.”

“No I don’t”

Naba nodded. “Yes you do.”

“Oh, what, do you have the companion connection now too?”

“I know what you think and she knows what I think!” Arnold said proudly. “It’s like a chain reaction until everyone knows what everyone’s thinking, but mostly just me and Naba knowing you. You’ve gotten really easy to read since you stopped trying to be better than everyone else.”

“I feel like I should be offended,” Kevin muttered.

“For real though, Kev,” Arnold said sincerely. “Narwaluigi’s right, you should talk to him. He probably knows more about what’s going on than you think.”

Nabulungi smiled. Arnold smiled. Kevin felt like an idiot.

~

That night when Kevin once again left his room and found Connor, looking out one of the rare windows this time, awake and waiting, he felt something else. It wasn’t quite anxiety, and it also wasn’t admiration, but somewhere in between.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Waiting,” Connor replied.

“Not reading?”

“I tried,” he answered, noncommittal, “but it didn’t interest me.”

He didn’t have his book. Kevin had the book, apparently the only book that would set the young Elder at ease, and he felt a little guilty for taking it from him, even if it had been a gift. “What are you waiting for?”

Connor paused. Kevin had come level with him at the window and together they looked out into the village. “I’m not sure,” Connor said. “Waiting until I feel tired, maybe? Waiting until you showed up? I don’t know.”

“Well here I am,” Kevin proclaimed with a flourish of his hand and an uncertain smile. “Are you tired?”

“Mm, no…” Connor’s brows knit together and he leaned sideways on the window. Blue and amber light met down the centre of his face, creating softened, but angular shadows. “I think I woke Poptarts up when I got up. His eyes were open, but he shut them again when he saw me looking. I don’t think he’s as heavy a sleeper as he says he is.”

Kevin thought back to Elder Thomas’ comment on Connor always bringing his book with him, the fact that he knew and it was an unlikely detail for Connor to share with him. He must have woken up every time, or at least most times, it was the only explanation. The companion connection. Damn you, Arnold.

“I’ve been trying to read that book you gave me,” Kevin said, noticing how Connor’s eyes lit up at the topic. “It’s really hard to get through, I’ve gotta be honest. I don’t think I’ve ever read a play that wasn’t being taught to me in English class. It’s hard.”

“Depends on the play, I think,” Connor said, evidently carrying experience in the area. “There’s some I get through no problem, but there’s so many that feel like years have passed before you get to turn the page. They’re written to be watched and said out loud, I guess. Reading them in your head just isn’t the same.” An idea seemed to cross his mind and he looked at Kevin in earnest. “Could you go get it? We could read it together, it’d go easier that way.”

Kevin raised his eyebrows. He didn’t hate the idea. It wasn’t the most pressing issue on his mind at the moment, but it wasn’t a terrible way to spend the night and they had plenty of time. “Um, sure,” he said, and then went to retrieve the book from where it was sitting by his bed.

They sat together on the couch, closer than usual so they could both see the pages in the dim light. The warmth of Connor’s arm pressed up against his own did not go unnoticed by Kevin and he wondered if it would be possible to put a bit of space between them to at least provide the opportunity to focus. The idea was immediately put out of his head when he turned to find Connor’s face distractingly near his own.

“How far did you get?” he asked, seemingly innocent to the warmth he was providing to Kevin’s arm and leg and now chest and face. Kevin prayed he couldn’t see the warmth in his face.

“Not very,” he replied, “only a couple of pages.”

“We can start at the beginning then,” Connor decided, opening the book so it rested in the crook between their connected legs. “I’ll be Posner and Irwin, and you can be Dakin and Hector, and we’ll figure out the rest along the way.” He shifted a bit, settling in close, legs crossed and pressed firmly to Kevin’s side. Kevin’s stomach fluttered and he reprimanded himself. Now was not the time.

“Before we start,” he said, drawing Connor’s attention away from the page, “would you mind answering a question for me real quick?”

“Sure, what is it?”

Kevin looked down into Connor’s wide, expectant eyes and hoped against hope that this wasn’t a stupid question. “What does ‘cathartic’ mean?”

A brief smile flickered across Connor’s features. “Oh, it means, um…” Connor frowned a bit, trying to place his words together. “It’s basically the release of emotions by expressing them. If something’s cathartic it means it helps you feel something and it makes you feel better after.”

“And sad things are cathartic?”

“Sometimes.” Now he was smiling. He didn’t sound like he was talking down to Kevin, which had been a definite concern, but he did sound rather amused. “When you read about something sad, you feel sad with the character, and it’s like you release those sad emotions so that afterward you don’t feel so sad anymore.”

“So it’s like empathy.”

“Kind of,” Connor said, biting his lip. “I’m not doing a very good job of explaining. It’s like empathy except it helps you feel better. Like the way that crying makes you feel better. But it’s different with books. Wait, hold on.” He took the book fully into his lap and flipped through the pages, looking for something in particular. Kevin had to admire the commitment to teaching him the definition of a word, which, at this point, he felt he had a pretty good grasp of. “Oh, here,” Connor said, pointing to a passage. “’The best moments in reading,’” he read aloud, “’ are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.’” They sat for a moment, quietly. “It’s like that,” Connor said. “The hand that takes yours, like you’re feeling something big and the hand takes yours and suddenly it feels okay.”

Kevin nodded. He hadn’t really listened to all of that, instead watching the gentle expression on Connor’s face as he read, the way his mouth moved, the way his voice sounded, though not what it said. Connor found sad things to be cathartic. He wondered what that meant. He wondered if reaching out and taking Connor’s hand was something only a book could do. His fingers twitched.

“Does that make sense?” Connor asked.

“Yeah, it makes a lot of sense,” Kevin responded. Connor looked pleased and Kevin felt fondness and maybe a bit of pity. “You’d make a good teacher, I think.”

“I never really considered it.”

“Well you just taught me something,” Kevin said, and then, trying to lighten the mood, “and you’ve got disciplining young Mormons down to a science.”

“I don’t discipline,” he protested, smiling, “I just keep people in order. I don’t like disciplining, anyways, it’s too aggressive to me.”

“You had no problem chewing out the wonderful Elder Davis the other night,” Kevin teased.

“That was an accident!” Connor proclaimed, his smile growing ever wider. “I didn’t mean a word of it, you make it out like I was intentionally besmirching his character.”

Kevin’s smile was growing too, the book in Connor’s hand forgotten entirely. “I thought it was great. Besmirch away! Do Elder Neeley next, he ate the last of the toast this morning.”

To Kevin’s delight, Connor had to suppress a laugh, bringing his hand up to his mouth again. It was an odd gesture that he did rather frequently, seemingly unaware of it. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“The… y’know, the hand” –Kevin brought his own hand up to his mouth as a demonstration– “thing. Why do you do it?”

“Oh,” said Connor looking down at his hand like he wasn’t sure why it was partially raised. “I don’t know, I didn’t know I did it. Do I do it a lot?”

The question was purely self-conscious and Kevin sort of regretted mentioning it. “Sometimes,” he said with a shrug, “when you smile or laugh or make a mistake. It’s not a big deal, I was just wondering why.” It was endearing in a way, a casual trait that let Kevin know Connor was having big feelings.

“I guess it’s just to keep the noise down. Or sometimes it’s a little embarrassing, you know? To get all worked up like that.”

“What’s so embarrassing about it? I think you have a nice smile.” Kevin could have shot himself, it would have been less painful. But seconds later, the look on Connor’s face made him melt. Pure joy, beaming up at him with that giant unguarded smile he was showing more and more these days. “See?” Kevin said, smiling as well. “Absolutely beautiful.”

They didn’t get to reading the play until the next night. The rest of the night was spent with Kevin trying to find new ways to make him smile and with Connor getting happy and flustered and burying his embarrassment in Kevin’s shirt. Kevin thought if either of them got any giddier they might explode. Exhaustion really had a way of making fools out of them. He didn’t tell him what he was feeling that night.

The next night, they read most of the play. Connor had been right in saying it would be easier, and Kevin actually found it enjoyable. He made up weird voices to Connor’s half-hearted protestations, and stopped every now and then to ask what certain words meant or what a phrase was supposed to be saying. The story itself was okay, if a little troubling, but it wasn’t really the story that Kevin was paying attention to.

While he couldn’t relate entirely to the characters, Kevin did find himself thinking there were certainly similarities between them. A few of them reminded him immensely of Connor. One particular passage stood out, short though it was, and it stayed with him for some time. “’I don’t understand it,’” Kevin had read out, Connor’s head resting on his shoulder, both of them struggling to keep their eyes open. “’I have never wanted to please anybody the way I do him, girls not excepted.’” And Kevin felt the author’s hand reach out and take his.


	4. Looking Up

Connor lay on the couch in the dark. Without his book he found it kind of pointless and wasteful to turn on the light, so he let himself sit in the shadow staring up at the fly strip hanging in the corner by the ceiling. He was tired, but there was no way in hell he was getting back in bed, one hell dream was enough for tonight, thank you very much. So he fought the drowsiness in his eyes, pinching the skin on his stomach to keep from drifting off, and wondered if the flies knew what was happening when they died.

He heard a door open from down the hall and sat up sharply. Normally, being absorbed in a book, he wouldn’t have heard a thing, but with nothing to distract him he couldn’t help but feel a bit of hope that the door that had opened belonged to a certain Elder Price. He heard the bathroom door close and even though he knew it could be any of 9 people he hoped.

He lay back down, eyes wide, body alive with anticipation. He berated himself silently for getting so worked up over someone who was, at best, a good friend and, at worst, an innocent bystander he had formed a habit of unloading his problems onto. It was hard to fight, though, his feelings having grown in strength since he had made the decision to acknowledge them. All of his feelings had, but especially those concerning Elder Price. It didn’t help that the other boy was exceptionally handsome, not to mention charismatic, a good listener, extremely driven, delightfully funny, unexpectedly intelligent-

“Connor?”

At the whisper of his name he sat up again and made immediate eye contact with the token of his affections. He couldn’t help but smile. “Hi, Kevin,” he replied. Kevin entered the room and walked over to the couch to sit next to him, planting a seed of nervous pleasure in Connor’s chest. As per usual he was stripped down to his temple garments and his hair was sticking out in all kinds of directions. He couldn’t see it in the dark, but he could imagine the reddened impressions of a pillow on his cheek and the sleep still floating in his eyes. Far too endearing for his own good, that boy.

“What are you doing in the dark?” Kevin asked in his usual stage whisper.

Connor shrugged and wrapped his arms around his knees. “I didn’t need any light so I didn’t bother turning it on. How did you know I was in here if the lights were off?”

“I didn’t, I just thought I’d check before I went back to sleep.”

In spite of himself, Connor was thrilled. Kevin was checking up on him, and sure, it was probably driven by pity, but it still meant he was thinking of him, even now in the middle of the night when there was no reason to believe he had gotten up at all. ‘Slow down, McKinley,’ he told himself, ‘take it down a notch.’ “That was nice of you.”

“I’ve been doing a lot of nice things lately, apparently.”

“What do you mean?”

Kevin had a look on his face like he hadn’t meant to say that out loud, like he had given away a piece of vital information. His eyebrow twitched at some internal decision and Kevin took a breath. “Poptarts talked to me the other day,” Kevin told him and Connor felt a lurch of anxiety. What could Poptarts have been talking to Kevin about? He plastered a smile on his face as Kevin continued. “He said you’ve been doing better lately. Said it was because of me.” There was a hint of pride in the words, but Connor would expect nothing less. “He said talking to me’s been doing you some good, that you wouldn’t talk to him.”

“Yeah, I told you about that,” Connor replied. “I love Poptarts, but he’s not very good at emotional support.” The thought of Elder Thomas being concerned about him enough to talk to Kevin about his progress was kind of flattering. His companion held a special place in his heart and he was secretly pleased that his two favourite people were both looking out for him together. He was a little scared, too, that they were talking about him behind his back and that he was being obvious enough with his problems that they had reason to talk, but he tried to prioritize for now.

“No kidding,” Kevin said with a laugh. “One hint of discomfort from me and the poor guy didn’t know what to do with himself.”

He could picture it. The stiff arms, the strained expression, it made him laugh a little, too. Poor, sweet Poptarts.

He let his gaze wander over Kevin, confident that his eyes were too concealed by the dark for Kevin to see it. Sitting here on the couch, smiling at him, looking so vibrant and open and perfect in his sleep-hazy state. Such a far cry from the Elder Price he knew during the day. Connor wanted to kiss him.

“You know what?” he said, needing to stop wanting. “Go get some pyjamas on, I want to show you something.”

Kevin looked surprised, but he got up and vanished back down the hall. Connor crossed the room and leaned his head against the wall. Feelings were the worst. This was probably a bad idea, but at least it would get them off the couch. He was tired of having conversations on that couch and sitting that close to Kevin was just too much for his exhausted brain to deal with right now.

He didn’t want to talk about the dream he had had that night, especially not about how Kevin Price had played a very prominent role. He didn’t want to talk about Poptarts being worried about him or Kevin being worried about him and he especially didn’t want to talk about how much he worried himself. He just wanted to spend time with Kevin without thinking about how much the other must be worried about him to be sitting up at three in the morning talking about Legoland.

Kevin returned wearing similar pyjamas to Connor, but with blue stripes instead of green plaid, and he looked to Connor expectantly. “Where are we going?” he asked.

“Get your shoes on,” Connor instructed and Kevin obeyed. Say what you would about Kevin Price, he knew how to follow orders. Connor slipped his own shoes on as well, and then he went to the front door and stepped outside.

The air outside was hot, but not as hot as it had been in previous weeks. He took a deep breath, appreciating the natural smells of the village. “I wish we could open the windows, sometimes,” he said as Kevin stepped out next to him. “I know we shouldn’t, but it gets so stuffy in there.”

“I guess so,” Kevin replied, slapping at a bug on his neck and looking at his hand with a disgusted face.

Connor reached out to grab Kevin’s arm, but aborted halfway through and settled for a light touch to his shoulder. “Come on,” he said. “We’re going this way.” He set off through the village, Kevin following a step or two behind, nerves on fire down the back of his neck. ‘This is a bad idea,’ his brain told him. He agreed. It was definitely a bad idea, but it was a better idea than just sitting inside again waiting for Kevin to broach some topic Connor had no desire to discuss. They were all terrible ideas. He might as well pick the one he liked best.

As they made their way to the edge of the village, Connor started to regret not putting on socks. The blisters on his heals were fine, he could handle that, but the bugs attacking his skin were going to be much more irritating in the morning. His ankles were going to be horrible. Behind him, he could hear Kevin swiping at flies and mosquitoes, grunting lightly every time one got too close. He felt a little guilty for dragging him out here, but it was also pretty cute.

“Do you still want to go to space, Kevin?” Connor asked, breaking the silence between them.

“I don’t really think about it much,” Kevin admitted, jogging a few steps to come even with his friend. “It was mostly just a passing thing.”

Connor nodded. “Found out how much math you have to know to get there?”

Kevin laughed. His smile was beautiful in the moonlight. His eyes glittered. Connor’s heart skipped a beat. “No, we finished the topic in science class and I decided I wanted to be a Disney Prince instead. Way more achievable and I could have my own castle.”

“And a princess?” No! Too obvious! Back it up!

“Eh,” Kevin shrugged. “That wasn’t really a big factor for me. I just wanted the glory and the costumes.”

“And the castle.”

“And the castle,” Kevin agreed.

“I think you’d make a good Disney Prince,” Connor told him before he could stop himself. His whole brain screamed at him.

Kevin cast him a curious smile. “You think so?”

It didn’t seem to be bothering Kevin, and Connor stared straight ahead, hoping the moon wasn’t bright enough to betray the fact that he was blushing furiously. Maybe he should just go with it; there was no real way out without letting Kevin know the statement had been a disastrous slip of the tongue. “For sure,” he said, steadfastly refusing to meet Kevin’s eye. “I think you’ve got the looks for it and the singing talent.” He cautioned a glance. “Maybe not the hair, right now, but definitely the face.”

Kevin looked up, crossing his eyes, and began frantically trying to smooth out the bedhead he had neglected to fix when he had gone to get dressed. Connor laughed. Bad move. At the sound of it, Kevin cast him a determined look, and then reached up to ruffle Connor’s hair as well. Connor yelped and ducked out of the way, slapping at the hand.

He put a distance of several steps between them and cried out a stern, “Kevin Price!” then set about smoothing out his own hair. Kevin started laughing, seeming to have forgotten his own half-messed hair. Connor shot him a spiteful glare as his laughter grew and soon they had to stop so that Kevin could calm himself down.

“What’s so funny?” Connor asked, a smile playing at his lips as he watched Kevin try to get ahold of himself. Hearing Kevin laugh, genuinely laugh, was a rarity, and Connor didn’t forget to file away the memory for later.

“You know, you said you’re not in charge anymore, but you still manage to sound like every mother ever when someone does something you don’t like.” He straightened up and smiled fondly at Connor. “You’re a natural-born authority figure, Con.”

Connor choked out a laugh. Only his family ever called him Con and it had been so long since he had heard it. Their letters nowadays were all much more formal than they had ever been before, so it was only ever a full-name-occasion. He wasn’t sure how he felt about hearing Kevin use it. He would figure that out later, he decided, right now was a time for enjoying company and joking around, no serious business allowed.

“Come on,” he said instead, “we’re almost there.”

“Where are we going, anyways?” Kevin asked as they started back up again at a renewed pace.

“You’ll see when we get there,” Connor told him.

“You know, that’s what serial killers say.”

“And how many have you met?”

“They look like normal people, Connor.”

They walked for a few minutes more, reaching the outskirts of the village fairly quickly and continued to walk out into the unpopulated beyond. A forest sprouted up to their left and patches of grass appeared beneath their feet. He led them away from the forest, away from the village, and off the dirt road into a field of low-lying grasses. Once they were a satisfactory distance from anything at all, Connor came to a halt.

“Here we are,” he said, holding his arms out as though to display the expanse of nothingness.

“Okay?” Kevin said slowly, smiling with suspicion. “And what exactly did you want to show me?”

Without another word, Connor took a seat on the hard ground, thankful that it hadn’t rained in a few days and his pyjamas were safe from stains. Stretching his legs out, he looked up at Kevin and patted the ground next to him. Kevin hesitantly accepted the invitation and sat down, still looking at Connor questioningly. Connor smiled at him, enjoying being in control for a bit, and then he leaned back and beckoned for Kevin to do the same.

Once Kevin was fully prone he continued to watch Connor for a while before finally following his gaze. His eyes grew wide and he let out a soft gasp. Connor smiled.

Above them, stretching on seemingly forever, was a glittering blanket of stars. It was a breathtaking sight, like a great dome encasing the Earth, the haze of the Milky Way reaching through it in a way that Kevin had never seen before. There didn’t seem to be a single fraction of the sky that wasn’t speckled with the tiny lights, and with no clouds to obscure their vision it was the perfect night for stargazing.

“There’s too much light pollution in the city,” Connor said, his voice a whisper. “You can barely see any stars with all those skyscrapers and houses, but here…” He shook his head, marveling at the pure infinite. “You can see everything.”

There was a stillness between them, like a comfortable blanket. The vastness above absorbed them. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Kevin said in a hushed voice. “I’ve never really been out of the city.”

“You haven’t looked up since you got here?” Connor asked wryly.

“I mean, yeah, but… I looked but I never really… looked.”

Connor rolled his head to look at Kevin. The other boy was staring straight up, wide-eyed and with an expression Connor had never seen on his face. It was awe. It was pure and unfiltered wonder. It was innocence. “It makes you feel kind of small,” Connor whispered, not taking his eyes off Kevin. Kevin nodded, transfixed. The blue light of the night sky shone on his skin making him radiant. A celestial being.

Connor turned his gaze back to the sky as well. They lay together for a long moment, taking it all in. A slight wind ruffled their messy hair and tickled the grass against their skin. The ground was cool and the air was hot and Connor could have lain there forever.

“You can see just as much from the village, most nights,” Connor said, “but I like it better out here. There’s less noise and there’s no buildings around you. I think you can appreciate it more when you’re not surrounded by other stuff.”

“How often do you come out here?” Kevin asked.

Connor shrugged. “Not very often. Not as much as I’d like.” Truth was, he had rarely gone out at all, especially prior to the shift in religious conviction. It was a beautiful and peaceful place, but curfew had been an anchor of responsibility that no longer secured him. His eyes traced the shape of what he thought might be a constellation.

“I don’t like feeling small,” Kevin said, quietly. “But I don’t mind this so much.”

Connor smiled. He knew exactly what Kevin meant. There was feeling small and then there was feeling unimportant. Often the two went hand in hand, but at this scope, he didn’t really feel unimportant. He felt like a speck. He felt like nothing at all. He felt like he was a part of some great expanse. But he didn’t feel unimportant, only small. It was why he loved the stars.

“If you saw a shooting star,” Kevin said, “what would you wish for?”

‘You,’ Connor thought, startling even himself. Love, belonging, comfort with who he was, his parents acceptance, his God’s acceptance, Kevin, Kevin’s eyes, Kevin’s hands, Kevin’s face and hair and body. The list was endless, it seemed. “Happiness,” he replied, a vague threat of tears tickling the back of his throat.

Kevin nodded. “I’d wish for you to be happy too,” he said.

A strangled sob tore its way out of his mouth before he could do anything about it. He put a hand over his mouth, immediately hating himself for breaking again when he promised himself he wouldn’t tonight. Stupid Kevin, saying sweet things and making him emotional. He managed to keep from sobbing again, but the tears rolled down his temples unbidden, soaking into his hair, pooling in his ears, cooling his hot skin.

He felt something touch his free hand and then fingers wrapped around his own, squeezing tightly. He could see Kevin looking at him from the corner of his eye, but he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. He removed his hand from his mouth and took a deep breath, closing his eyes tightly. The tears didn’t stop, but they slowed and he opened his eyes to gaze up at the stars again, slightly blurred now, but just as beautiful. Their fingers moved to lock together and Connor took in a shuddering breath.

He must look awful. Stupid and emotional and red-faced, and he hated it. But the hand in his was a reassurance. This wasn’t at all how he wanted holding hands with Kevin Price to happen, and although he was pleased, there was no excitement. There was only gratitude.

“I don’t recognize anything up there,” Kevin said softly. Connor didn’t say anything. “Back home, for some of the year at least, I can make out Orion and the Big Dipper- not the Little Dipper, though, I’ve never been able to spot that one. But this sky is completely new.” His thumb was rubbing gently against Connor’s hand. “I think, even if we were facing in the same direction as home was, I wouldn’t be able to recognize anything. There’s too many stars to really make anything out.”

“I read somewhere that every single star is a solar system,” Connor replied once he had found his voice. “All those lights up there, each one has at least one planet circling it.”

“I can’t even picture that,” Kevin said. “That’s so many worlds. And this is only part of the galaxy, too, we can barely see any of it from here.”

“Gosh,” Connor breathed, wiping the last of his tears away with his sleeve. “Maybe it’s all real then. Maybe we do get our own planets after all.” A small smile stole across his face. “Planet Orlando,” he sang out quietly.

“Planet Legoland,” Kevin corrected him. They both laughed, carefully and gratefully. And they both felt happy.

They didn’t see any shooting stars that night and neither of them minded so much. They lay there for hours, holding hands and letting the bugs eat them, occasionally talking, but mostly enjoying the silence. Both of them secretly worried about lions, but neither of them mentioned it. The gratitude in Connor did not relent, but he found a contentedness in it, relying on another person, knowing that person would gladly provide everything he needed. He worried it was love.

When the hour changed from very late to very early they realized they should probably walk back. Connor turned his head and mentioned it to Kevin and to his surprise he found that Kevin had fallen asleep. “Kevin,” he whispered, shaking the hand in his. Kevin’s eyes opened gradually and reluctantly. “Kevin, we need to head back, I think the sun’s going to rise soon.”

Kevin turned his head to face Connor, eyes only half-lidded, heavy with sleep. In the dark, Connor hadn’t realized just how close they were lying. Kevin’s eyes widened just a little, the tired haze fading, and Connor couldn’t stop looking at Kevin’s slightly open mouth. He wanted to kiss it. More than anything he wanted to kiss Kevin. His eyes moved back up to find Kevin watching him closely, waiting.

Connor raised his free hand and lightly cupped Kevin’s jaw, thumb stroking the slight stubble. His face was warm and he didn’t move away, just kept watching and Connor could only wonder. Tentatively, he leaned across the small space between them and pressed a kiss to Kevin’s lips. It was short and gentle and Kevin kissed him back.

Connor pulled back, suddenly concerned that he’d crossed a line. What if it had been a mistake? What if Kevin had only kissed him back because he felt like he had to? What if he’d only kissed him back because he was worried if he didn’t Connor would start crying again? He felt like all he did around Kevin was cry. He wanted to apologize for his rash behaviour and promise that it would not happen again, but his mouth was dry and would not move.

He stared at Kevin, eyes wide, ready to be berated or judged or for Kevin to just stand up and leave. But none of those things happened. Instead, Kevin placed a soft hand on Connor’s neck and leaned in for a second kiss. It was longer this time, deeper. Electricity tracked across his skin and every heartbeat sent a wave of energy through his limbs. As the kiss deepened, they released each others’ hands and moved so that Kevin was almost on top of Connor, his hand on his waist now and both of Connor’s hands on the back of Kevin’s neck. Connor had never kissed anyone before beyond a peck on the cheek following a playground dare, and it was more awkward than he thought it would be. It was better, too.

When Kevin pulled back his eyes were still half-lidded, but by something other than sleep this time. He hovered over Connor for a moment, the cogs in his mind working a little slower than usual. He said, “I didn’t even know I wanted to do that.”

Connor gazed back up at him and said, “Oh, fuck, I know I did.”

A beat passed and then they were both laughing, once again lying side by side in the brittle grass. Connor’s face was bright red, trapped between embarrassment and delirious joy. God, he was so tired. He’d never felt so much joy all at once as he did right then, bubbling up in his stomach, filling his veins, tingling across his skin. He had kissed Kevin Price and Kevin Price had kissed him back. It was a thought that sat warm and bright in his heart and even as he laughed helplessly at his own unfortunate choice of words it was a feeling he didn’t think he would ever be able to forget.

After a while their laughter turned into giggling and after a while even that melted away and they were left in a state of elated exhaustion. Experiencing so many intense emotions in one night, especially on so little sleep, Connor felt as though he could fall asleep right then and there. Common sense kicked in, however, and he managed to pick himself off the ground. He helped Kevin to his feet and the two of them smiled awkwardly at each other.

“I wonder what time it is,” Kevin said absently.

“Way past curfew, that’s for sure,” Connor answered, feeling a little sheepish. He had no idea how he looked by that point, probably covered in dirt, his hair a mess, his eyes puffy from crying. He couldn’t find it in himself to care. “We should get back before anyone wakes up to wonder where we are.”

The walk back felt shorter. Any conversation they attempted dissolved into a fit of giggles and eventually they gave up and just walked in silence, smiling to themselves and occasionally to each other. The sky was turning orange at one end when they got to the hut, casting long shadows through the village, and it flooded through the front door when they opened it.

“There they are!” Elder Thomas proclaimed as the two entered the room. Almost instantly, Kevin was hit by a flying mass that, at a second glance, turned out to be Elder Cunningham.

“Where were you two?!” he yelled from where he and Kevin lay on the floor. “We woke up and you were gone! We were so worried! What happened? Was it dingoes? Did you get taken by dingoes? Kevin, you’re covered in dirt!”

Throughout the rampage of words falling from Arnold’s mouth, Kevin kept trying to shush him and Connor looked on in amusement. “We’re fine!” Kevin whispered loudly. “We just went out for a walk! Quiet down, will you? You’re gonna wake everyone up!” He paused. And then, “Dingoes are Australian!”

The two of them continued their conversation in a pile on the floor, voices going back and forth between very loud and almost quiet. A finger poked Connor’s arm, drawing his attention away from the spectacle. “You were gone a long time,” Elder Thomas said. His tone wasn’t accusatory, but more suggestive, like he suspected something was up.

McKinley did his best to look innocent. “Like he said: we went for a walk and lost track of time.” He wasn’t fooling anyone and he knew it. His feelings for Kevin was one of the things he actually had told Poptarts about and he was already regretting that one pretty hard.

“I figured you two were together when Arnold came and woke me up. He was looking for you, but you weren’t there and I just knew we would find you together.”

“How did you figure that?” Connor asked through his smile.

Thomas leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “You gave him your book.”

A blush spread across McKinley’s pale skin instantly and his smile disappeared. He didn’t have time to make something up, however, as Arnold’s yells had managed to do exactly what Kevin had said they would and several sleepy Elders appeared in the doorway.

“What’s going on?” Elder Church asked drowsily. “What’s all the noise about?”

Kevin managed to push Arnold off of him and he stood up, staring wide-eyed at the crowd and then turning to look at McKinley for an answer. All the rest of them looked at him too, expectant. Connor glanced at Poptarts who was smiling innocently at him as though he had no idea what could possibly have happened. He sighed as the exhaustion he had been fighting all night overwhelmed him. He put on his best leader voice and told them all, “Everything’s fine, Elders, just a little misunderstanding. Go back to bed, all of you, we’ve still got a couple hours yet before wakeup call.”

The group grumbled and talked amongst themselves as McKinley shooed them all back to their rooms and once the last of them had disappeared behind a closed door he returned to his own door as well. “Goodnight, Elder McKinley,” Kevin said from down the hall.

Connor turned to smile tiredly at him. “Goodnight, Elder Price.” And they both returned to their beds at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you so much for all of your comments, they're all so sweet! I'm really glad people are enjoying this story because I really enjoy writing it. In fact, I've even started writing another one! It's a soulmate AU, but not the kind of soulmates fanfics are usually written about. It features workaholic student Kevin and chipper theatre kid Connor and they're both walking disasters and it's a lot of fun and drama. It's a bit of a different style than this one and more plot driven as well, but still lots of good stuff in there, so keep an eye out for that.
> 
> Fair warning: the next chapter will feature some heavy stuff, including what is probably a panic attack, so be safe my friends
> 
> -G


	5. Knock Knock

Everything was a little different. McKinley seemed happier, well-rested, more personable. He made a point of talking to Kevin during the day more, never about what had happened and never with their first names, but he made an effort. Kevin occasionally caught McKinley staring at him from across the room and he sometimes caught himself doing the same. But when their eyes made contact no one would turn away in embarrassment or discomfort, McKinley would just smile. It was a warm smile and it made Kevin feel happy. He smiled back.

They sat together at meals from time to time, joking with one another over plates of overcooked spaghetti and including one another in their conversations with the other Elders. They looked for one another’s opinions in disagreements and helped one another with their chores. It felt like friendship, real and true, and Kevin was ecstatic. He found himself seeking out McKinley’s company more and more, upset when he couldn’t obtain it and admittedly a little jealous of those who did. 

But nighttime was theirs. They saw one another less often at night as time went on. There were occasions on which Kevin would leave his room to find the main room empty, no sign of Connor, and he tried to push aside his disappointment to feel glad that his friend was sleeping well at last. Connor told him as much, saying the dreams were coming less and less, and he was feeling so much better just for those extra hours of sleep.

The nights they did find one another, they would sit together, talk, laugh, tease, and it felt like the most genuine friendship Kevin had ever had.

They never kissed, though. Kevin wanted to. Every time Connor smiled at his jokes, or became lost in thought, or got just a bit too close to him, all he could picture was pulling him into an embrace and kissing the hell out of him. But he never did. Once, on their way back to bed, Connor had kissed his forehead, a tender moment that sent Kevin’s heart soaring, and the next time they were together he couldn’t keep his mind from hoping he would do it again.

He often fell asleep thinking about that moment in a sleepy haze under the stars when Connor had held his face and kissed him, and then moments later when he had kissed Connor back. Sometimes his mind went a little farther and he had to shake himself out of it, back to his senses, and try to ignore the discomfort between his legs. Not that, never that. He didn’t really want that, his mind was just doing things without his permission. He just wanted to kiss and be close and make Connor happy.

He never expected to hear a knock at his bedroom door at 2 in the morning, and he certainly didn’t expect to find Connor standing on the other side, trembling and on the verge of tears. “Connor?” he asked, rubbing his sleep-addled eyes. “Connor, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“Kevin, please,” he managed to stammer out before suddenly breaking down, sobbing violently right there in the hall.

Casting a worried look around at the closed doors, Kevin reached out and pulled Connor into his room, shutting the door behind him. Arnold had taken off again that night so they were alone. The thin walls afforded them little privacy, but at least here no one would accidentally stumble in on them.

He laid his hands on Connor’s shoulders and tried to look up into his downturned face. “Connor? What happened? You gotta tell me what happened, Con, you gotta help me out here.”

Connor opened his mouth, but all that came out were guttural noises and Kevin, try as he might, couldn’t make one bit of sense from it. Clearly this was something way beyond anything Kevin had helped him with before, and he could feel panic rise in his chest as he tried to figure out what to do. Uncertainly, he took Connor into his arms, like he had on that first night, and held him tightly to his chest. Connor didn’t move to return the embrace, just continued to heave sobs into Kevin’s garments as he rubbed his back and hushed him softly.

“You gotta keep it down, Con,” Kevin whispered, “everyone’s asleep, they’ll hear you.”

“Don’t call me that!” Connor yelped, pushing himself away from the hug violently. “Stop calling me that! I never said you could call me that!” He was still crying hard, but a look of pure malice had contorted his features horribly. That combined with his messed hair and the fact that he had forgotten to put on pyjamas over his temple garments for once made him look like some beastly and demented version of himself. Kevin had never seen him like this.

Kevin raised his hands a little frightened by the outburst. “Okay, I won’t. I’m sorry. But Connor, please, you’ve gotta tell me what’s going on!”

Connor closed his eyes and let out a low wail, sinking to his knees. Kevin rushed over, kneeling down next to him and gingerly putting his arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he could hear, a tiny muffled whimper of a voice. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…”

“That’s okay,” Kevin replied, equal parts confused and terrified. “You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s okay, you’re gonna get through this.” He curled himself around Connor like a protective blanket, heart racing. “I’m right here with you, I’m not going anywhere.”

They sat like that for ages, Connor muttering vague apologies and Kevin attempting to reassure him. He didn’t know what else to do. It seemed like Connor was in complete meltdown mode and all they could do was wait for it to pass. Slowly Connor did start to calm down, easing from hysterical sobbing into quiet weeping, always curled into a tight ball. Between whispers Kevin pressed small kisses to Connor’s temple and ear and shoulder, whatever he could reach, and buried his face in his hair. He was close to tears himself, but held them off for Connor’s sake, crying wouldn’t do him any good.

Eventually, Connor silenced completely, though his shoulders continued to tremble. He twisted around to return the embrace, putting his face deep in the crook of Kevin’s neck, and Kevin adjusted himself so that Connor was sitting between his legs, and he squeezed his arms around Connor as tightly as he could.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said again, his tears dampening Kevin’s skin and soaking through the collar of his shirt. “I didn’t mean to wake you up, I shouldn’t have done that, I should’ve just stayed in my room.”

Kevin hushed him again. “No, I’m glad you’re here. I mean, I’m not glad you’re so upset, but I’m glad you came to me.”

Connor let out a wet laugh. “It feels like all I ever do is cry in front of you.”

“That’s not true,” Kevin said. “You laugh in front of me and smile and think big thoughts and read in front of me.”

“Why do you put up with it? Why don’t you just give up on me like everyone else does, it’s never going to get any better.”

Kevin’s heart sank at the despondency in his voice. The shear self-hate radiating from the guy was almost a physical heat. “Because I care about you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re a good person and you don’t deserve all the stuff that’s happened to you.”

Connor tensed in his arms and Kevin could feel the tears spilling onto him. “You don’t mean that. You only do it because you need to feel needed,” Connor spat, voice trembling horribly. He pulled back from the hug and Kevin could see the spite in his eyes again. “You get off on that shit, on people needing you. That’s why you do anything, it’s why you wanted to leave, because we didn’t need you.”

The words stung. They felt true. As the memory of Arnold’s comment about his thing for authority figures floated through his mind, Kevin tried to remind himself that this wasn’t Connor talking; he wasn’t in his right mind. “Well I am a selfish bastard,” Kevin agreed, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.” He repeated that last bit to himself over and over in his head, trying to fight off the rising sense of guilt and doubt. He did care about Connor. He did want to be there for him. He did he did he did he did.

“Why else would you keep hanging out with me?” Connor asked, sobbing with renewed intensity. “It’s because I’m broken and I’m needy and you just can’t resist the opportunity, can you?” He was nearly shouting again and Kevin didn’t know what to say.

“That’s not true.”

“How is it not true? How can you possibly feel anything at all towards me? I’m just fucked up, Kevin! No one could ever care about me unless they were fucked up too!”

“That’s not true,” Kevin repeated, his voice cracking slightly like he didn’t believe his own words. “Poptarts cares about you, and so does every other person in this house, and so do Naba and the villagers. We all care, Connor. And sure, maybe we are all a little messed up but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about you.”

Connor stared at him in disbelief before burying his face in his hands. Through noisy sobs he managed to say, “You’re a liar.”

Kevin sighed. He didn’t hug Connor again, but he did reach out and rub his back. “Keep thinking that, Connor, it’s not going to change the truth.” Kevin cared. Kevin cared a lot. Kevin wasn’t going to let Connor convince him that he didn’t care.

Another few minutes passed. There was a knock as some other Elder who had been woken by the noise came to check on them through the door. Kevin sent them away, saying everything was alright and thank you for your concern, and could hear them muttering to someone else before footsteps led away and a door closed down the hall.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said again, face hidden in his arms. “I’m so- God, I’m such an awful person. I didn’t mean any of that, I don’t know why I said it. You don’t have to forgive me for that, it was a terrible thing to say. You’re a wonderful person, Kevin, I don’t deserve you.”

Kevin retracted his hand and sat back. “Too bad, because I do forgive you. Nothing you can say will make me not forgive you.”

Connor turned his head to peak at Kevin with one watery eye. “But I don’t want you to forgive me.”

“Too bad, it already happened.”

The eye disappeared back into the arm. “God, you’re so frustrating sometimes.”

“Yeah, comes with being a selfish bastard.”

“You’re not a selfish bastard,” Connor whispered.

Kevin nodded, but didn’t reply. What a roller coaster that had been for such a dark hour of the night, but it seemed to be slowing down at last. When he was sure that Connor wasn’t going to burst into hysterics again, Kevin patted him on the shoulder. “Get on the bed,” he instructed.

“What? Why?”

“Get on the bed,” Kevin repeated insistently. “We’re gonna sit on the bed like grown adults and we’re gonna talk about what’s got you so worked up.”

Connor raised his head and looked over at the bed distrustfully.

“Come on,” Kevin said as he stood up, “You tell me what to do all the time, now it’s my turn. Now up you get.”

Connor thought about it for a moment, exhausted from crying and looking ready to collapse. But he complied and soon the two of them were sitting side by side at the foot of Kevin’s cot, both of them looking a little worse for wear.

They sat in silence, Kevin tilting his head to look at Connor who was refusing to look him in the eye. “What happened?” Kevin asked. No reply. “Connor, I need you to tell me what happened.” Still nothing. Frustration and concern melted together in Kevin’s chest and he sighed, biting his lip. “You know you can tell me, right?” Kevin said softly. He bumped Connor’s shoulder gently with his own. “I’m here for you to talk to, I’m not gonna judge you or anything, I just want to know. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Connor frowned, hands clasped together between his knees. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth to speak, but it took him a couple of tries before anything came out. “I got a letter from my parents last week,” he said, quiet enough that Kevin had to lean in a bit closer to hear. “I was too scared to open it until last night and-“ He grimaced. “It wasn’t good. I, uh- They said that it was my last chance. That if I didn’t come home by the end of next month they were going to-“ He shook his head and smoothed his hair back nervously. “I don’t know what to do, Kevin, I can’t go back there, not yet, but if I don’t I’m never- I’m never gonna see-“

He looked close to tears again and Kevin put his arm around the redhead’s waist, hoping he could feel how much he cared without actually saying it. Connor leaned his head on Kevin’s shoulder and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “Then I had this dream, and I don’t think it was a hell dream because it felt different, but it was bad. One of the worst. My family was there, my brothers and sisters, and you and the other Elders were there too and it just… I dreamed that my parents were making me choose between each of you and each of my siblings and they would kill whichever one I didn’t choose. I had no choice, I had to keep picking my siblings and they just kept going and when they ran out they just cycled through them again because there’s more of you than there are of them and I had to keep choosing my brothers and my sisters and the Elders kept dying, but they weren’t really dying because I could still hear them and see them, but I knew they were dead, and then it got to you and I couldn’t- I couldn’t-“

A small sob escaped him and Kevin pressed his cheek against the top of Connor’s head, rubbing his thumb against his side and wondering at the frightful experience the young man was describing. What kind of people were Connor’s parents that they could inspire such fear? “It’s okay now,” he said. “I’m still here and so is everyone else. They’re all okay and you don’t have to ever make that choice.”

“But I do, Kevin!” Connor raised his head to look Kevin in the eye, frantic and fearful. “I have to choose by the end of next month, whether I go back or stay here. I can’t just leave them forever like that, but I also can’t just pack up and go, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. They’re my family, Kev, I love them. But I also love all of you. I can’t possibly make a decision like this.”

Kevin put a comforting hand on Connor’s cheek and felt him sadly lean into it. “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself,” he told him, wiping a tear away with his thumb. “They’re putting too much pressure on you. It’s not fair. But you can do this. I’ve seen you do so much and I’ve never met anyone in my life who was as brave as you.”

“My sister MacKenzie is going on her mission next year,” Connor said. “If I go back I can see her before she leaves. If I don’t, I’ll never see her again.”

“Never is a long time.” Kevin watched Connor’s eyes sink shut and wished he could do more. Do anything. “Don’t worry about it for tonight,” he told him. “You can make your decision in the morning. Or even next week. You still have time to sort all this out.”

Connor nodded, but he didn’t look any less miserable. With a concerned sigh, Kevin gently kissed Connor’s forehead and then leaned their heads together. “Sorry I woke you up,” Connor whispered.

“That’s okay.”

“You’re not a selfish bastard.”

“I know.”

Connor tilted his head up and kissed Kevin, slowly and carefully. “If I ever find out you think that about yourself,” he said when they parted, “I’m going to personally smack you in the face and shower you with compliments.”

Kevin laughed. “Good to know.”

“I don’t think I can go back to sleep tonight.”

Kevin leaned back, considering the young man’s tired features. He could barely keep his eyes open. Then he looked around at his tiny room, the two empty beds, one made and one a mess, and over to his door. He didn’t want Connor on his own right now. Sending him back to his room would be selfish and irresponsible. Asking him to stay might be the same.

“Stay here tonight,” he said, ignoring the thoughts. “We don’t have to sleep, but we should at least try.” Connor looked worried and Kevin smiled encouragingly. “Come on, it’s better than your other options.”

Connor’s eyes searched his face, wide and wet, and his hand came up to gently touch his cheek where Kevin’s hand had been. After a long moment of consideration, he nodded and Kevin smiled in relief.

Arm still around Connor’s waist, Kevin stood them both up and walked them around to the side of his cot where he gently deposited Connor under the covers, sliding in next to him. The bed was small and barely fit the two of them, but neither of them minded. Kevin slid his arms around Connor’s waist and pressed himself firmly up against his back. He kissed his cheek and his neck and then nuzzled up against his hair. He felt warm and sleepy and more than a bit worried, but there was nothing more he could do that night, and his eyes wanted so badly to close. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Connor whispered back.

They lay in silence for a moment, enjoying the closeness and the quiet. Connor’s breathing in Kevin’s arms was shaky, but oddly reassuring. It had been years since Kevin had last shared a bed, his family home small enough that shared rooms were the standard, but once his older brother had left for his mission, Kevin had been on his own.

The contact was nice. He missed his family, more than he was willing to admit. Here in Uganda they had sort of built their own family, complete with arguments and support and awful jokes, and it was nice. But it always felt like something important was missing and it made him lonely. He could feel the loneliness in Connor as well and sometimes in other members of the mission. It came with the title of Elder. He wondered what his family was up to, it had been so long since he had heard from them.

Frowning into the dark, a thought caught at his mind. He should probably just let it go, but if he did then it might be gone in the morning. Was Connor asleep? He didn’t think so. It probably couldn’t hurt to ask.

“Is your sister’s name really MacKenzie McKinley?”

Connor laughed.

~

For a moment, Kevin thought he had imagined the knock at his door. Waking up slowly, he heard Connor breathing deeply in his arms. It was still very dark, he wasn’t sure how long they had been asleep, but it couldn’t have been more than a couple of hours. Then he heard the knock again, very softly. The door creaked open and Kevin lifted his head to see who it was.

A small body appeared in the doorway. “Hello?” it whispered.

Connor raised his head as well. “Poptarts?” he asked.

“Elder McKinley,” Poptarts replied, sounding tired, but relieved. “I didn’t know where you’d gone, you weren’t in the living room or in bed. I got worried.”

“I’m fine,” Connor said, a warm smile in his voice. “Come here.”

Groggily, Poptarts shuffled across the room, closing the door behind him. Connor raised his arm, an invitation that Elder Thomas took without a word, slipping under the blanket and curling himself up against McKinley’s chest. Kevin watched in bewilderment as Connor set his head back down on the pillow and wrapped his arms around his companion, and he felt a little put out.

He knew the two of them cared a great deal for each other, and he knew their relationships were different kinds, but he still sort of wished that Poptarts had just gone back to his room. Connor was asleep again, though, and from the gentle snores so was Elder Thomas. There was really no way out of this. He didn’t really want out, but the nature of the situation had certainly changed and it didn’t really feel fair. ‘This is what Connor wants,’ he told himself, ‘this will make him feel better.’ Just the thought of it made Kevin feel a little less intruded upon. This wasn’t for him, after all, it was all about making Connor feel safe.

Besides, he was so tired, there wasn’t enough energy left in his body to care.

Resigned to the situation, Kevin gave Connor a quick squeeze and then settled himself down to sleep.

~

“No way!”

The loud shout elicited murmurs and groans from three very sleepy Elders. Blinking in the new light of day, all three of the occupants of Kevin’s bed looked to the source of the exclamation: an extremely excited Arnold.

“You guys are having a cuddle puddle?!” he asked, much too loudly for Kevin’s taste. “Oh, I love cuddle puddles! Give me a second!”

It took Arnold several minutes to tug his shoes off while hopping on one foot, pull off his shirt, tie and pants, realize the bed was much too small for three people let alone four, and then shove his own bed up next to Kevin’s. He flopped down on his bed and managed to fling his arm across all three of them in one great hug, snuggling his face into the back of Kevin’s neck. “This is so great, I love you guys,” he said, and soon he was fast asleep and snoring in Kevin’s ear.

Sandwiched between his two favourite people, Kevin was flustered and sleepy and confused. The whole scope of the situation was almost funny. He found himself smiling and giggling helplessly. Connor started giggling too, his whole frame shaking in Kevin’s arms, and their giggles fed one another so it seemed impossible to stop. In an attempt to keep from all out guffawing, Kevin buried his face in Connor’s shoulder and in a moment the two of them succeeded in containing themselves.

With a little work, Connor managed to roll over onto his back, pushing Kevin a little over onto Arnold’s bed. With Poptarts’ head on his chest and his arm around the small Elder’s shoulders, he raised his free arm to tuck it under Kevin’s head and pull him a little closer. They gazed into one another’s eyes for a long moment, the bright light of the early morning illuminating them beautifully. God, Connor was beautiful. Kevin resisted the urge to kiss him, fully aware of the unconscious company they were keeping, but he smiled and Connor smiled back.

He didn’t know what it was, he was probably just tired or maybe he’d gone out of his mind, but Kevin started to giggle again and it infected Connor in a lovely way. They lay there giggling, foreheads pressed together intimately, and shushing one another through their laughs. The sun was warm and they were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm really bad at AO3 apparently because I cannot figure out how to insert images, but you can find a bit of art I drew for that last scene right here:  
> http://chekov-and-hobbes.tumblr.com/post/171515133437/from-a-scene-in-the-mcpricely-fic-im-working-on  
> and just, like, pretend it went at the end of the chapter like it was supposed to.
> 
> In other news, I'm about to enter the belly of the beast school-wise so the next update may not be for a while, but don't lose hope, I've got a full chapter written already and a few others planned, just not the time to put into them at the moment. As always, thanks for the comments and kudos, they really mean a lot to me and I'm so glad you're all enjoying this fic.
> 
> -G


	6. Intermission

It was past 3am. They had been up since at least 1 and both of them were dangerously close to falling asleep. They lay together on the couch, Kevin’s legs over Connor’s and Connor’s head on Kevin’s chest, their arms wrapped around each other. It was a bit too warm to be holding one another like this, and they were sweaty and hot, but they were more tired and far too comfortable to even consider parting.

“We should go back to bed,” Connor murmured, face buried in Kevin’s shirt, looking mostly asleep already.

“No,” Kevin muttered, his eyes closed, body entirely relaxed. “Five more minutes,”

It was getting rarer and rarer to catch one another at night, and while they saw each other plenty during the day, it just wasn’t the same. Night was peaceful, free of expectation, a time when their judgment wasn’t at its best and their words were less reserved. Connor didn’t want to go back to his room any more than Kevin did, but they both knew, in the small part of their minds that were still capable of sensible thought, that if they fell asleep here then anyone might walk in on them in the morning. Not that the thought was very effective.

“Connor,” he whispered, but his words dissipated before he could ever get them out of his mouth. His whole body felt wonderfully heavy and the weight of the other boy on top of him was blissfully comforting.

“What?” came the muffled reply.

“I dunno.” He tightened his arms around Connor and pushed his face into the top of his head. Connor responded with a soft grunt. They both sighed. “Can’t I sleep in your room tonight?” Kevin asked, only half serious. They had only slept in the same bed only once, but the prospect was perpetually inviting.

“No,” Connor told him, voice soft and low. “Arnold’s here, he’ll notice you’re gone. And I don’t want Poptarts to feel put out.”

“All we’d be doing is sleeping.”

“Still, it’d feel weird.”

It had probably been a mistake to turn the lamp off. The dim light of it would have been a decent source of wakefulness for them, but here in the blue-dark there was hardly any incentive not to just give in and let themselves slip into peaceful oblivion. Thinking now, it was getting harder and harder to find a reason not to.

Kevin let his head fall to the side, resting against the cushions of the couch and filling with the fog of sleep. ‘Don’t do it,’ the sensible part of his brain said even as it rapidly faded away. “If we don’t go to bed soon, we’re going to pass out right here,” Connor muttered. “Then what’ll happen?”

“What’ll happen is we’ll sleep,” Kevin told him, refusing to be moved.

Connor lifted his head, mustering the energy to give it one last go. “If we fall asleep someone will find us.”

Kevin raised his head too, face inches away from Connor’s and eyes impossibly heavy. “Would that be so bad?” he asked.

They lay for a moment, considering each other and the question and the pull of sleep on their features. The sweat between them wasn’t enough to soak through their shirts, but it was enough to make their skin glisten in the feeble light and enough to make their touch feel sticky.

Connor shifted up a little, tilting his head to kiss Kevin, a motion that Kevin accepted gladly. Clumsily, Connor pulled himself out from under Kevin’s legs so that he was essentially on laying top of him, his mouth moving languidly, but persistently. Something in Kevin’s head started to wake up and it made him pull back, alarmed.

“What are you doing?” he asked earning a confused look from Connor.

“I’m kissing you?” Connor replied.

“Yeah, I can see that. Why are you doing that?”

Connor smiled and pushed his face down into Kevin’s chest, hands pulling lightly at his shirt. “Because I like you, Kevin,” he said, like he was pleasantly embarrassed to be saying it. “And when you like someone you kiss them.”

“Yeah, but, like… how much?”

Connor lifted his head to look up at Kevin, his grin now one of amusement instead of embarrassment. “Why do you always ask so many questions? Just all the time, you’re always asking questions.”

“I’m a curious guy.”

“Don’t you like kissing me?” Connor asked, crossing his arms on Kevin’s chest and leaning his chin on them, not looking any less entertained. Kevin felt like this was a trap, somehow, and he felt nervous, even as the smile spread across his face.

“I like kissing you,” he answered.

“Then what’s with the questions?”

“Uh,” Kevin said, trying to figure out why he had asked. He liked Connor. He liked kissing Connor. He’d wanted to kiss Connor for ages and now he was apparently allowed to. So what was the issue? “I guess I just don’t know… when I’m allowed to kiss you. Like, at what point in-“ The look of confusion on Connor’s face made him pause. It was hard to explain. Kevin had trouble with this sort of thing, knowing when he was allowed to do things with people, like hugging them or sitting next to them on a bus, always worried he would do something wrong and ruin it all. At what point in their relationship was kissing something he could just do whenever he wanted? How was he supposed to know if no one told him?

“Kevin, you’re always allowed to kiss me,” Connor said. “I mean, as long as you’re comfortable with it. As long as you want it.”

“Of course I want it.”

“Then shut up and kiss me,” Connor ordered him, smile returning.

They kissed again and Kevin tried his best to stop thinking so much. Arnold was right, he was a worrywart. Obviously Connor would want to kiss him, he liked him and had spend the first 19 years of his life not allowed to kiss the people he liked. Kevin, who had spent less time thinking about it growing up, wasn’t opposed, in fact, he really, really liked it, it was just a difficult concept to figure out.

Connor’s hands landed on his shoulders and ran down his chest, efficiently throwing all of Kevin’s worries out the window. Physical contact. Connor’s body on his, the feeling of movement, of another living person. Exquisite. With their eyes closed and their mouths moving together, they were filled with an odd combination of exhaustion and tentative passion, like the chances of them falling asleep or groping each other were equally likely to happen. In fact, as they went they were beginning to slow down, the sleep fog catching up to them again.

They didn’t stop, though, until they heard a door open somewhere in the hut. Immediately, Connor pulled back and shushed Kevin. Footsteps carried into the room as Elder Church emerged from the hall, bleary and seconds from sleep. Connor pressed himself down against Kevin as much as he could, trying to make them as flat as possible. Church didn’t seem to notice them as he made his way to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of water.

Connor’s smile proved he was holding back a laugh, giddy at the thought of being caught. Kevin was still too tired to really care and let his fingers trail up and down Connor’s back, watching him with hooded eyes.

Church emerged from the kitchen and disappeared back down the hall, and Connor released a breath that was almost a laugh. He made wide eyes at Kevin who was once again fading from consciousness. “Kevin,” he whispered.

“Mm?”

“I think you need to go to bed.”

“Mm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might be a while yet until a proper chapter can be posted, so here's a bit of softness I wrote out when I was supposed to be paying attention to other things.
> 
> -G


	7. Heat Stroke

‘Connor might be leaving soon.’

The phrase repeated in Kevin’s head like a virus tickling at the back of a throat. ‘Connor might be leaving soon.’ It was a threat and an anxiety and a constant and it terrified him.

When they ate breakfast together with the rest of the mission, joking over bowls of oatmeal, yawning infectiously, making plans for the day, the thought would breach his mind. ‘Connor might be leaving soon.’

When Kevin and Arnold were tasked with tending the community garden, watering and weeding in the hot sun, showing each other weird bugs they found, taking breaks in the shade of a nearby jackfruit tree. ‘Connor might be leaving soon.’

When he woke up one night, nerves on fire from some half-remembered dream, he wandered into the living room to find it dark and empty, and he returned to bed wishing he had company. ‘Connor might be leaving soon.’

When he kissed Connor one day, up against the side of the shed, the first real kiss in which neither of them were exhausted or crying, constantly wary that someone might stumble upon them and they would be exposed. ‘Connor might be leaving soon.’

Kevin and Arnold cooking dinner one night, some sort of rice pilaf that neither of them was very clear on how to make, joking easily and criticizing one another’s cooking abilities. Pots bubbled on the stove and Kevin was chopping up some weird fruit they had found at the market and figured ‘why not?’ and added it to the recipe because it looked cool and interesting. He wished he could tell Arnold about the problem, but it wasn’t his secret to tell and ‘Connor might be leaving soon’ and there was nothing he could do but wait.

But he never asked McKinley what his decision was or whether he had made it yet. He never let himself be that pressure. But it continued to bother him, the question hovering over everything he did and the curiosity driving him crazy with worry. Arnold could tell something was wrong and he asked about it on four separate occasions before Kevin told him just to drop it. He was certain the others could tell there was something off too, often finding himself suddenly broken out of his thoughts by a question being asked for the second or even third time, or frowning in focus only to realize he had been thinking his way through half of movie night and had missed all the major plot points. No one said anything, though, and neither did he.

On one tremendously hot day, the Elders and most of the village found themselves confined to their homes, melting under a heat wave and barely moving at all. Kevin and Connor had retreated to Connor’s room, starting off laying together on his bed, but moments later pushing the beds together so that they could lay comfortably apart. On their backs and drenched in sweat, Kevin’s hand drifted lazily through Connor’s hair while Connor’s fingers stroked lightly at the fabric of Kevin’s shirt, both longing for touch but far too warm to make real contact.

It wasn’t often they were able to spend time alone during the day, constantly surrounded by missionaries and villagers, and often being pulled in different directions by their respective duties. In all fairness, it was McKinley who decided the duties, but, as he had explained to Kevin a few days ago, they didn’t want to be too obvious. A holdover from his days of hiding himself from others resulting in their blossoming relationship being an absolute secret from everyone. Except for Elder Poptarts, of course, who had known before either of them. It was the only reason they were able to hold up in this room, secure with the knowledge that if anyone were to walk in on them unexpectedly, it could only be the single person who already knew.

If only the circumstances were better suited to more private activities. But it was far too hot for anything other than laying around with the tiny portable fan turned directly at them, offering only a small relief.

“Theology professor,” Kevin said as he twirled a lock of red hair between his fingers.

“Marine biologist,” Connor replied, the back of his index gracing the side of Kevin’s waist through his shirt.

“Lumberjack,” Kevin countered.

“Lumberjack?” Connor asked with a smile, turning to look at Kevin in amusement and trapping his hand beneath his head in the process.

“Why not?” Kevin asked, returning the gaze.

“I’m not saying you couldn’t do it,” Connor replied with a shrug, “I’m just trying to imagine you doing all that work, letting yourself get messy like that. Actually with the plaid shirt and all that muscle, it’s kind of hot. You’d have to grow a beard, though.”

Kevin frowned and stroked the smooth side of his face. “Nah, that would be too itchy. I don’t think it’s mandatory, though, probably just a recommendation. More for the look. It’s the heights I’d be more concerned about, but I think it’s mostly mechanized these days.”

“Are you scared of heights?” Connor asked, clearly delighted at the revelation.

“Only a bit. It’s the fall that scares me.”

“That’s very sensible of you,” Connor said appreciatively, turning his gaze back to the ceiling and releasing Kevin’s hand. Kevin took the opportunity to caress Connor’s temple with his thumb and brush back some hair that had fallen out of place. Without anyone to tell them otherwise, the Elders often went for long stretches without getting their hair cut, only bothering when it became an issue. Both of theirs had grown shaggy and were in dire need of a trim, but they kept it tidy and Kevin rather liked the other boy with a less restrained quaff. “Wouldn’t want you to fall out of a tree and break your neck,” Connor continued, finger tracing down Kevin’s side absently. “You’re the only one here who knows how to cook an omelet properly.”

Kevin flicked Connor’s ear playfully. “Oh, so that’s all I’m worth to you.”

Connor smiled his beautiful smile and Kevin’s heat-slowed heart nearly burst. “Does it make it any better if I say I really like omelets?”

“Only because you’re cute.” He closed his eyes and turned his face upwards, smiling into the muggy air and ghosting his finger along the shell of Connor’s ear. “Investment banker,” he said.

They had been talking about school and childhood when the subject had been raised of college and then of careers. The question had been asked, ‘what do you want to do when you leave Uganda?’ and they had spent the following minutes trying to find an answer to the question. Kevin, never really having thought that far ahead in life, realized he didn’t actually know. Being a Disney prince wasn’t really an option for his post-Ugandan life, and there wasn’t much he really had a passion for. Being in Uganda felt like it was the only reality he had ever lived and ever would live. The concept of there being an ‘after’ was extremely foreign to him.

“Florist,” Connor suggested.

And of course there was still the question of when ‘after’ would be. For Kevin, he planned to stick out the full two years, giving up his newfound freedom making going back a challenging proposition. But Connor…

It had been two weeks since he had shown up sobbing at Kevin’s bedroom door with the news that he needed to make a decision fast. If he had already made that decision, he was certainly keeping it to himself. If it bothered him, he didn’t show it.

“Rockstar,” Kevin said, earning a laugh.

“Do you even play an instrument?”

“I could learn,” Kevin said. “I bet drums aren’t too hard. And I played trumpet for a bit in high school so I can still read sheet music probably. Or I could just be the singer, I’m good at that.”

Connor scoffed, flopping his arm over so his fingers were now in contact with Kevin’s arm rather than his shirt. His knuckled grazed the hot skin there and moved across it in leisurely lines. “You could be excellent at anything you put your mind to, sweetie.”

“Are you being patronizing?” Kevin examined the other boys face and found that he refused to make eye contact. “Are you patronizing me?”

“I would never,” Connor said, patronizingly.

Kevin lifted himself up onto his elbows and leaned over Connor, forcing him to look him in the eye. “You say that, but do I believe it?” Connor gave him an innocent smile, his hand resting gently on Kevin’s shoulder and looking pretty in the feeble shade of the mission’s thin curtains. Kevin dipped down to give him a kiss.

It still felt strange sometimes, being allowed to do this, but it was fast becoming the norm. Connor wasn’t shy about it, and planted a kiss on Kevin any time they managed to find themselves alone, day or night, but Kevin wasn’t quite as easy-going.

Still, it was a very enjoyable experience. Had it not been so hot, he may have gone further, but for now he just permitted himself one long slow kiss before breaking away to collapse back onto the bed.

“It’s so hot,” he whined, casting an arm over his eyes dramatically. “When will the heat end?”

“We’re almost into rainy season,” Connor told him. “It won’t get much cooler, but at least there’ll be less sun. We won’t be going outside as much either.” He watched Kevin for a long moment as the dark haired boy pouted and moaned, unimpressed but still suppressing a smile. “Drink some water,” he instructed.

“Ugh,” Kevin replied, taking the water Connor passed to him and unfolding himself so he could sit up and take a sip. The water was warm and disgusting, but he was sweating profusely and forced himself to drink half the cup. They had both removed their shirts and ties, down to the undershirts of their temple garments, as had most of their compatriots. It didn’t help much, though, and the fabric had soaked through quickly. No one had the energy to care.

“We should really pick up some more climate appropriate clothing,” Connor muttered, as though he had read Kevin’s mind (though more likely he had just seen the disgusting, damp mess his back had become). “We can probably find something at the market. I’d really like some shorts, maybe a tank top. Anything but this.”

“You should be a manager,” Kevin interjected once he had finished drinking.

“Manager of what?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin admitted, setting the cup on the floor next to him. “You’re really good at being in charge, though, I bet this would look great on your resume.”

“’Led group through religious revolution, committed heresy, started a cult, assisted 9 other Elders in their ex-communication-‘ You’re right, who wouldn’t hire a go-getter like me?”

Kevin laughed. “For real, though, you’re a very good leader. I like watching you be in charge, bossing everybody around, you really know how to carry power.”

“Is this you trying to tell me about your secret kink?” Connor asked. “Because everyone already just sort of assumed.”

Kevin smacked his arm good-humoredly, his smile broad. “I admit I find it kind of sexy when you get up in front of everyone and start- Y’know, I don’t really like the implication that admiring people in positions of power means it gets me going, because, honestly, it’s just offensive. I feel nothing but admiration and respect for my authority figures, and there is absolutely nothing sexual about any of it.”

“Incredibly suspicious,” Connor noted. Then he turned his head to look Kevin in the eye. “Very kinky.”

“Shut up,” Kevin laughed, and he kissed Connor again.

Kevin wondered what love felt like. He didn’t know for certain if Arnold and Nabulungi were in love, though they very much looked it, so he didn’t attempt to ask them. Laying here in these two beds, Connor’s hands tucked beneath his shirt, exploring the damp skin of his back, his own hands roaming Connor’s own body, he wondered if they were in love. Their first kiss had only been a few weeks prior, though they spent a great deal of time together these days. They had never really had a full conversation about feelings or relationships, simply drifted into one without question because it was easy. He hadn’t even been able to identify a crush when he had felt it, how on earth was he meant to identify love?

It was a complicated topic, every source he had ever encountered it in had said so, including his mother who had mostly just said, “You’ll know when you’re older.” Well he was older now and he certainly didn’t know any better than he had then. He knew love, obviously – love for his family, love for his friends, love for his pets – but romantic love… ‘You’ll know it when you feel it,’ many of the sources had said. Was this him feeling it? Or was the fact he wasn’t sure an indicator that he wasn’t? He was feeling something, but it could just be the development of his feelings along a natural path, or it could be the erection steadily growing in his pants. Either way it was confusing.

He could feel Connor getting hard too, his body naturally migrating closer in its quest for contact. Had the weather been more forgiving and had 8 other people not been within 20 feet of them, maybe he would have gone through with something. For now he settled for grinding against Connor’s thigh in an attempt to alleviate some of the discomfort. Connor moaned and the feeling shot straight to his groin.

Probably better to stop now while they were ahead.

Pulling back he looked down at the young man beneath him. His lips were pink and open, his hair was sticking out from where Kevin had been running his hands through it. The heat was making them both sweaty and sleepy, and Connor’s forehead glistened. Kevin kissed it, not minding the salty taste on his lips. The hands on his back slid around to his front, pulling the last of his shirt out from his pants as they went, and found his chest. Forefingers and then thumbs drifted across his nipples, generating a surprising sensation of pleasure that didn’t do anything for his resolve.

“Connor…” he warned. All he got was a self-satisfied smile in return, but the hands moved down to the safety of his waist. “Thank you.”

There was a loud clang from beyond the door, followed quickly by some commotion and the sound of something wet. Both of their heads shot up. They could very clearly hear the other Elders yelling at one another, their words indistinct, and both Connor and Kevin remained motionless, staring at the door in surprise. A voice from the end of the hallway cried out, “Elder McKinley!” and Connor was suddenly pushing Kevin off of him and leaping off the bed.

Kevin flopped onto his back dejectedly as his leader and maybe-boyfriend hurriedly ran out the door, smoothing his hair as he went. The commotion was much more audible with the door partially open and there was the definite sound of water, but Kevin was forced to wait for his anatomy to settle down before tucking his shirt back in and following Connor through the door.

Out in the main room, the occupants were in a panic. Kevin pushed through the room and soon found his feet splashing through a large puddle on the floor, all disappointment in being interrupted swiftly forgotten. He found Connor talking frantically to Poptarts near the door to the kitchen where the sound of gushing water seemed to originate. “Elder Michaels, go outside and shut off the water!” McKinley called across the room. “Elders Church and Davis, please help me in the kitchen!”

The Elders followed his orders, as they always did, unquestioningly. He disappeared into the kitchen followed by the two young men he had called for and moments later the sound of gushing water came to a stop.

“Kevin!”

Kevin turned to find Arnold standing by the door, trying his best to keep his feet out of the growing puddle that had expanded to cover nearly the entire room. Not so careful himself, Kevin jogged over to him, casting glances to the kitchen doorway as he went. “Arnold, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know!” Arnold was in a very excitable state, somewhere between panicky and thrilled, and his voice was much too loud. “We were all just hanging out, trying to keep cool and suddenly-“ He made a loud noise with his mouth, evidently meant to represent the loud clang but sounding more like a “Boosh!” and spread his hands in an explosive motion. “Water everywhere! Then everyone was yelling and running around and no one knew what to do and- and-“

“Hey, calm down,” Kevin said, placing a hand on his companion’s raised arm. After months together, he had quickly learned how to handle Arnold in his panic mode. “Deep breaths, in and out, now try again. What happened?”

“A pipe burst!” cried Elder Thomas, joining them by the door. “In the kitchen! It must have been the heat, I’ve heard this sort of thing can happen.”

“A pipe?” Kevin asked. “Does this mean we don’t have water?”

“I don’t know,” Poptarts answered. His eyes were wide and he was clearly just as excited as Arnold, though not nearly as hysterical. “Elder McKinley’s gonna try to fix it, but I don’t know that he knows how. It was pretty bad. The water and the metal, they expand in the heat, at some point it just sort of gives out. I don’t know if we can fix it!”

“I’m gonna go check it out,” he told them, patting Arnold’s arm again. “Don’t freak out, okay, buddy?”

“I’m gonna wait outside,” Arnold replied, still a bit too loud.

Kevin cast a look to Poptarts and the short man nodded, a silent agreement to stay with Elder Cunningham. A little uneasy, Kevin splashed through the living room towards the kitchen. He was fortunate in that they had taken their socks off whilst laying in bed, pants rolled up to the knees to get at least a little air moving across their skin, but the feeling of the water between his toes was unpleasant and he wished he was wearing shoes.

When he reached the kitchen he found the three elders gathered around the sink where the burst had apparently occurred. Davis was currently on his knees before the open cupboard where the burst pipe was housed while Church crouched next to him, watching him work. McKinley was standing upright, arms crossed, brow furrowed, watching with concern.

“Elder McKinley,” Kevin said, drawing close. “Elder Thomas told me a pipe burst? What happened?”

“I don’t know, we’re just trying to figure that out,” McKinley told him, his attention barely wavering from the action at his feet. 

“Elder Michaels managed to turn off the water, but we need to figure out how to shut off just this pipe before we can turn it all back on again,” Davis told them, head and hands buried deep in the cupboard. His eldest brother had been a plumber as well as his father, and while he wasn’t a professional by any means, he knew more about pipes than any of the rest of them. “Pipes usually burst from the cold, but if it gets hot enough…” He sat back, sighing. “I don’t think I can figure this out. It’s not the pipe to the sink, which would be easier, it just runs through the same cupboard and I don’t know how to shut that off. We need to hire somebody.”

“Hire somebody in Uganda?” McKinley asked in disbelief.

“Well, they’ve got pipes, they probably have plumbers.”

“He’s not wrong,” Church said with a crook of his eyebrow.

“Not in this village, though,” McKinley bemoaned. He chewed on his lip for a moment, visibly distressed, but keeping his composure. Seemingly coming to a decision, he strode past Kevin and back out into the main room where the rest of the Elders had congregated. He clapped his hands to get their attention. “Excuse me everyone!” he called out as Church, Davis and Price all snuck past him to join the others. “It looks like we may not have water for a while. A pipe burst beneath the sink and we cannot shut it off individually, so the main water supply needs to be off for a while. Elder Thomas and I will go into town and try to find out where we can get a plumber. In the meantime, if the rest of you would be so kind as to try to mop up as much water as you can, it would be greatly appreciated. It’s still very hot so take as many breaks as you need and remember there’s a water pump across the street, we still need to keep hydrated.”

There was a groan from across the room and McKinley reassured them that, yes, he knew how gross that water was, but it was better than nothing. When they were all resigned to their fate, McKinley went to Kevin. “Poptarts and I are going to go talk to Mafala and see if he knows anyone,” he told him quietly. “Would you mind making sure nobody dies while we’re gone?”

“Sure,” Kevin agreed.

McKinley shot him a grateful smile and a, “You’re the best.” And then he disappeared with Poptarts out the door.

It was a few hours later that the pair reappeared. With the use of mops and towels, the Elders had managed to sop up most of the water, the dampness joining the stickiness of the air to make most of the hut unbearable to exist in. After doing the best they were able, the group had migrated outdoors, the lowering sun casting a deep and appreciated shadow of their home under which they sat, taking turns to fetch water from the pump. This was where McKinley and Elder Thomas found them.

“Good news, people,” McKinley declared, earning their complete attention. “Mafala has put me in contact with a plumber in a village just south of here. With any luck they will be able to come fix our problem within the next week.” A low groan went out amongst the group. “Now don’t be so sour, Elders,” he said, chipperly. “While we won’t have running water for a while, there is plenty we can take from the pump for drinking and bathing. Our neighbours have kindly offered us the use of their facilities and we still have a stockpile of bottled water in the hut for emergencies. In the meantime, we’ll just have to make do and keep cool.”

“A whole week?” Kevin moaned once they had been dismissed. “I’ve never needed a shower more badly in my life, I’m drenched.” He ran a hand through his hair, disgustingly damp and hanging limp, feeling utterly appalled with himself.

“Hey, cheer up, best friend,” Arnold said, elbowing him optimistically. The time spent hanging around outside while everyone else dried up had done wonders for his mood. “It’s only a few days and everyone else will smell just as bad as you.”

Kevin resisted the strong urge to sniff inside his shirt. “You’ve got it easy. You can just stay with Nabulungi and Mafala whenever you want. I’m stuck here.”

“Hey Elder Price!” McKinley interrupted, taking a seat before the two of them. He was wearing the smile he always wore when things went just a little bit wrong. “How did the cleanup go? Any troubles?”

“A few casualties,” Kevin responded, subconsciously leaning towards the young man. “Some cookies, a loaf of bread, the Monopoly board. Most of the bottom shelves in the kitchen we still need to go through, but it’s looking like Monopoly will pull through. Everything else is good to go, just a little hot.”

McKinley had straightened out his hair since the incident, but like the others he was still stripped down to his rolled up trousers and his undershirt, a look Kevin quite liked on him. There were beads of sweat marbling his face and a slight sunburn reddened his ears, but his composure was immaculate. It felt weird to have him sitting so close and acting so personable when he was still acting the role of District Leader. Kevin wouldn’t complain, though, he hadn’t been lying when he said he found Connor’s commanding presence, put-on though it may be, oddly attractive. It still wasn’t Connor, though.

“Well, that could have been a lot worse,” he said. The optimism in his voice felt genuine and it put Kevin a little at ease. “Hopefully it won’t take too much work to fix, I’m dying for a cool shower.” It took ever ounce of concentration Kevin had to not think about him and Connor in the shower together.

Hold it together, Elder Price.

“You weren’t the one who had to clean it up,” he said, leaning back on his hands. “It cooled me down for about 2 seconds and then it was just gross. Water gets warm real fast.”

“Speaking of, I’m gonna go grab some water for the group,” McKinley said, indicating with his thumb. “Elder Price, would you mind giving me a hand?”

Arnold raised his eyebrows at Kevin, not even attempting to suppress his grin, and Kevin rolled his eyes and agreed. He supposed it was only fair that he tell Arnold about it soon, especially after the guy had attempted to help his sort it all out beforehand. But knowing Arnold’s affinity for blurting out information that didn’t necessarily need to be widely known, it was probably for the best that he didn’t.

He followed McKinley into the hut and through to the kitchen where the redhead opened a low cupboard to reveal packs of water bottles. “It’d be more environmentally friendly to get it from the pump,” McKinley said as he lugged one out and began to tear through the plastic. “But I’d really rather not. The taste alone… I’m declaring a temporary state of emergency for the sake of my tastebuds.”

“Did I ever tell you about the time I got heat stroke at Disney World?” Kevin asked as he leaned back against the counter.

“Is this that same trip from when you were nine?” McKinley asked, passing him bottles. The whole kitchen was awash with the ochre glow of the early evening sun and it created a sepia-type effect on its occupants. Standing next to the ruined pipes and just past the uproar it had caused, everything felt a little distant and very quiet.

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “we only ever went the once. We spent a whole week there, but the last two days I spent sleeping and throwing up from the heat. My dad stayed with me while everyone else kept going out and enjoying the park. I felt awful for making him miss it, but even worse that I was missing it. My brothers and sister and mom would all come back at the end of the day all sunburnt and smiling and talking about all the cool stuff they had seen and done, and I was stuck in the hotel with my dad force-feeding me bottles of water. None of them ever let me forget about it.”

With Kevin’s arms full and a few more bottles set aside, Connor heaved the rest of the case back into the cupboard. “No wonder you want to go back,” he huffed. “Poor little Kevin Price didn’t get to ride all the rides. Gosh, d’you think we’re gonna get mold?”

“It wasn’t really the rides I had in mind,” Kevin replied, overlooking the question. “I really wanted to meet all the characters, but I never got to meet Peter Pan. He was a big role model for me.”

Connor was inspecting the seam between the cupboards and the floor. “It can’t be easy to get rid of mold out here, especially after all that water. And when it starts raining too…” 

“I always thought I’d make a good Peter Pan. Either that or Prince Eric.”

“You’d make a great Prince Eric.” He stood up, cradling the few bottles he had in one arm. “I think you’re a little old for Peter Pan, though.”

They were standing very close, the soles of their feet bare and sticky against the linoleum flooring. The water in Kevin’s arms was warm, but he supposed it was better than nothing. That moment, standing alone in the kitchen, the evening glow lighting up their faces, it felt very domestic, ignoring the copious amount of water they were holding and the general disarray of the room around them.

“I think you fail to remember a certain Robin Williams playing a Peter Pan who was much older than I currently am. Peter Pan has no age limit.”

“I’m pretty sure he does. I’m pretty sure that’s the entire basis of his character.”

“Not true, flying is also a major component.”

Connor smiled and the oppressive heat was replaced with a pleasant warmth and the sunlight could not compete. His effect was instantaneous and incomparable. Kevin just about melted. He wondered if there would ever be a day where he would stop feeling like this and hoped to God there wasn’t. “Well the day Kevin Price flies,” Connor said, “I’ll be first in line to see it.”

“You’d better be. It’s going to be incredible.” He gave him a quick peck on the cheek and turned to leave. “Come on, let’s distribute some relief to some Missionaries.”

He was barely through the kitchen door when he realized Connor wasn’t following him. Confused, he turned to find Connor gazing around the broken kitchen, his eyes distant and his legs unmoving. “Hey Connor? You good?”

Connor’s eyes snapped to him, a look of near surprise on his face, which quickly faded into something almost like regret. “Kevin?” he began, his voice hesitant and soft. “Before we head back out I, uh… I wanted to talk to you about something, it’s why I asked for your help.”

The smile fell from Kevin’s face instantly, the ghost haunting his mind for the past two weeks suddenly returning full force. “What is it? What’s wrong?” He slowly reentered the kitchen; half of his thoughts alight with concern for Connor and the other half screaming that this was it. This was what he had been agonizing over for days. He tried to calm his brain, tell himself it probably wasn’t that, but he couldn’t help himself.

“I, um…” Connor wasn’t looking at him anymore, but the look of sadness was transitioning into something else. It was a look of reluctant determination, like he had to gather the nerve to say what he needed to say. “I know I haven’t really brought it up since that night,” he said.

No.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and it’s been really difficult. You’ve been a great support to me through all of it.”

No no no.

“I sent back a letter yesterday, I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure, and I guess sending the letter is as sure as I’m going to get.”

No, stop.

“I’m going home, Kevin.”


	8. Selfish Bastard

Connor wasn’t sure what to expect. He thought Kevin might get angry or that he might cry. He thought that he might try to convince him to stay or console him or tell him this was the right decision. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he expected something. Instead, all he got was Kevin’s blank gaze followed shortly by a quiet, “Okay.”

It hurt. More, probably than it would have if Kevin had yelled. More than if he had cried or hit him or anything else at all. It was a quiet dismissal. Unremarkable. Connor’s arms went a little numb and he tried to ignore the hollow feeling in his chest.

“I just… I thought you’d want to know.”

Kevin nodded. Then he turned and walked through the door leaving Connor on his own in the kitchen. Connor looked down at the bottles in his arm. He didn’t feel like crying, he found, more like he just wanted to lie down and curl up in the corner of his room. He wanted to disappear and for no one to ever find him again.

But he had a job to do. For the time he was still here he had to perform his duty and look after these poor lost Mormon boys. He was still District Leader, even if it was on an unofficial basis, and that title had weight. It provided some small comfort, knowing he still had something to do and focus on.

He focused on it now. Taking a breath and nodding to himself he walked through the hut and emerged into the impossibly hot air outside. Rounding the corner, he found Kevin already distributing bottles. He put on a smile, not wanting any of the rest of them to know how numb he was feeling inside, and entered the fray, handing bottles to those who hadn’t been given one yet, holding on to one for himself and taking a seat next to his companion.

Poptarts smiled and said something about something, McKinley didn’t really catch it. Connor nodded, holding on to that false smile like a lifeline. Apparently it was the wrong response because Poptarts’ smile fell away and his eyebrows scrunched together, and he asked a question that sounded something like, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied, doing his best to sound reassuring. He wasn’t sure how successful he was being.

Not very apparently because Poptarts pursed his lips and frowned and looked around at the people around them and the next thing Connor knew he was being forced to his feet and pushed to the back of the hut. Once they were around the corner Poptarts forcibly turned Connor to face him and asked, very clearly, “What happened? What’s going on?”

At this end of the house the sun was almost impossible to avoid and both of them were squinting, the heat boiling their skin. “Nothing’s going on,” Connor lied. “It’s the heat, I’m probably dehydrated. It’s messing with my head, making me a bit loopy.”

Poptarts turned his head a bit like he was trying to decide whether to trust him or not. “Did something happen with Elder Price?” he asked suspiciously.

“No! No, I-“ Connor diverted his eyes and scrubbed the heel of his palm across his sweat beaded brow. “I told him I’m going home and it was fine, he was fine about it, it wasn’t a big deal.”

Elder Thomas frowned, his shoulders tense. He knew something was wrong, but as always he didn’t know how to navigate it. Connor felt bad for using that to his advantage, but he really didn’t feel like dealing with any of this right now. He would much rather be sorting out the group and figuring out a game plan. Or at least getting back into the shade.

“Can we go back? It’s really warm over here.”

Poptarts stood for a moment, his eyes searching McKinley’s face, before he nodded silently and they both returned to the group.

It was true, this wasn’t a big deal, Connor thought as he sipped from his water bottle. It wasn’t like they had any sort of commitment to each other, it’s not like either of them had ever asked for anything serious. They weren’t in love or anything, they were still in the very early stages, if anything this was the best possible time to end it. It was a shame, but it had been nice to experience, even for a short while.

Kevin wasn’t obligated to feel any sort of way towards him and to think that he was, to expect some sort of explosive reaction to the news he was leaving, well that was just selfish. Would Connor have acted differently in his situation? Yes. Probably. But he was an emotional person, that’s just how it was, Kevin was far more down to earth and he had probably realized all of what Connor was just now considering ages ago. The whole thing was unfortunate, but nothing more than that.

Once the sun had mostly set and it was growing darker, the bugs came out, swarming their skin and attacking their eyes. McKinley ushered everyone inside, letting in a few bugs in the process, and after a quick check he realized none of them had actually eaten dinner. It would be a tough proposition without water available, but Connor thought he could handle it.

They wound up just laying out bread and cheese and whatever fruit they had available as a buffet in the living room, the group happily filling their plates with whatever they pleased. On such a hot night, it made more sense than cooking anyways, and there was plenty of juice in the fruit, he reasoned, which was good for hydration. The floor was still a bit sticky and the water had seeped between the floorboards and pooled at the legs of the furniture, so they sat on the couch and on towels and no one really minded.

McKinley forced himself to join in the conversation, smiling in all the right places and laughing with the group, and like an old habit it all fell into place and he started to feel better. Occasionally he would cast glances to Kevin who was sitting at one end of the couch picking at his food absently. He didn’t join in the conversation, he didn’t eat more than a few bites, and he didn’t look at Connor. ‘It doesn’t bother me,’ Connor told himself. ‘He doesn’t owe me anything.’ Then he would go back to whatever it was that Elder Schrader was saying and smile like he meant it.

At the end of the meal everyone was tired from the heat and it was getting late, so McKinley told the group to all go to bed and he would clean up the dishes and leftovers. As they all retired to their rooms, McKinley began collecting plates, realizing now he wouldn’t be able to wash them, at least not until morning, so he just put them in a pile on the counter, making a mental note to add dishwashing at the pump to the chore chart tomorrow. He didn’t even notice Arnold had stayed behind until he went back to pick up the food.

“Elder McKinley?” he said.

McKinley looked up at him from where he was bent over the plates of cheese and bread on the floor (they really needed to get a coffee table). “Oh, hello, Elder. What can I do for you?”

Arnold rubbed at his fingers nervously and grimaced as he watched McKinley work. “Do you know if there’s something wrong with Kevin?” he asked, following as McKinley walked through to the kitchen.

“Not that I’m aware of,” the Leader answered, throwing him a smile. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, he was being all quiet at dinner tonight and he didn’t really eat much,” Arnold said, moving to the side as McKinley pushed back through to the living room to retrieve the fruit plates. “He won’t tell me what’s wrong, but I figured you might know what’s up since you’ve been spending so much time together lately and the two of you were in here before, like maybe he might have said something? Or did something?”

“I can’t think of anything,” Connor lied, fighting to keep the smile on his face. He wasn’t going to break at this; he wasn’t going to let himself. “Maybe it’s the heat that’s getting to him,” he suggested cheerfully. “I was feeling pretty woozy earlier myself, I could hardly stand upright.”

“No, I don’t think that’s it…” He watched McKinley carry the last of the dishes through before coming forward to lean against the outside of the doorway, peering in shyly. “I was wondering if maybe… there was something you might have said? That could have upset him?”

Conner faltered, but only briefly.

Arnold saw it and quickly clarified. “I don’t mean to say that you were intentionally mean or upsetting, just… Maybe…” He heard Arnold sigh and Connor leaned forward on the counter, preparing himself for whatever it was he knew Elder Cunningham was building up to. “I shouldn’t tell you this,” Arnold said quietly, “but I think it might be related and please don’t be upset with me- or with Kevin, don’t be upset with Kevin. But… um… Kevin has… feelings for you…” Connor gripped the counter tightly. “And maybe you didn’t realize you said something that would upset him because you didn’t know, but-“

“It’s just the heat, Elder,” Connor interrupted him, forcing a smile into his voice. He turned around, feeling shaken, but holding himself with all the composure he could muster. “The heat makes us act in strange ways sometimes. I’m sure Elder Price will be back to normal and right as rain after a good nights sleep.”

Arnold looked at him uncertainly, clearly deeply worried and extremely unhappy with the answer he had gotten.

“Please don’t tell Kevin I told you he likes you,” Arnold begged. “I really shouldn’t have said anything, but I thought-“

“That’s alright, Elder, no harm done. His secret’s safe with me.” McKinley smiled at him reassuringly and Arnold gave back a tiny smile of his own. “Off to bed with you,” McKinley said, making a shooing motion with his hands. “We could all use some sleep after todays excitement.”

“Okay,” Arnold nodded, looking no less concerned than he had at the beginning of the conversation. But he turned and left the room with a soft, “Goodnight Elder McKinley. Thank you.”

“Good night, Elder Cunningham,” McKinley replied brightly. “I’m sure everything will be all right in the morning.”

He waited until he heard the bedroom door close before letting himself fall back against the counter, the smile toppling from his lips. He had forgotten how exhausting it was to pretend to be happy. He looked around the kitchen, feeling as beaten down as the room looked. The rest of the mess could wait until tomorrow, he decided, right now all he wanted was his bed.

Hours later he lay awake. Sleep never came, which he supposed was better than some alternatives, but only just. In the bed next to him, Elder Thomas slept soundly, or so he could only assume, and he couldn’t seem to find any comfort in the sound of his deep breaths and dream-fueled murmurs. Connor, curled up beneath his light sheets, pulled himself in tighter and shut his eyes as hard as he could, begging his mind to be quiet for just a few hours. Even twenty minutes would be appreciated. But it wouldn’t work. He just couldn’t get his mind to slow down.

He rolled onto his back and stretched out, staring up at the ceiling. It was still extremely hot and had they had working water he would have taken a cold shower to cool off. As it was he was forced to lie in his own sweat and bake, head aching.

Eventually, he gave up.

Moments later he was back in the kitchen, deciding that if he was going to be awake he might as well be productive. Cleaning up what he could of the dishes only ate up a few minutes. Without being able to wash them, the act of scraping them off was unsatisfying and he wound up just leaving them sitting in the sink, pretending it didn’t bother him that he couldn’t make a difference.

He found himself outside. There were wisps of clouds that night, but otherwise it was clear. The stars didn’t comfort him, but they were company. There didn’t seem to be anything particular running through his mind, just a wall of inaudible noise, making any sort of linear thought next to impossible. It was like the feeling of riding a roller coaster and going so fast that the air had no time to be sucked in before it had already beaten past you. It was constant and heavy thought rushing through his mind so intensely and violently that he couldn’t possibly latch onto any one thread individually. Unidentifiable static. It was almost peaceful.

He felt small.

The door behind him opened and he didn’t have to look back to know it was Kevin who stepped out and walked up next to him. His hand tentatively came up to touch the small of Connor’s back, and Connor found himself stuck between leaning into the touch and jerking away, staying where he was without a single outward reaction. The hand fell away dejectedly.

“There’s bugs,” Kevin said.

“Yeah.”

Nothing.

“When are you leaving?”

Connor took a breath, searching the stars for whatever it was he was meant to be feeling. “I don’t know,” he answered. “I have to wait until I hear back. They’re gonna send me the tickets.”

“Oh.”

A soft wind blew against them, hot and uncomfortable.

“I asked them to let me stay for as long as possible,” Connor told him, crossing his arms. “But I don’t know what they’ll say. Might be next week. Might be the end of the month. Who knows.”

“Have you told anyone else?”

Connor looked down at his feet. The incomprehensible noise in his head had quieted down to a buzz, just enough to fog over anything meaningful. “I told Poptarts,” he said. “And I’m going to tell Elder Michaels soon. I know I’m technically not in charge, but I’m sort of… passing it on to him I guess. The sort-of-in-charge-ness. I’d leave it with Poptarts, he knows the paperwork and everything better, but I think Michaels is better with people.”

He could feel Kevin looking at him, wondered what his intentions were. Why was he out here? He hadn’t said a word to Connor since he told him the news, since Kevin had replied with “Okay.” Was it force of habit? Was it pity or remorse?

“I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight,” Connor admitted, toing at the dirt beneath his feet.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither.”

“Why Michaels?”

Connor looked up at him, eyebrows raised, caught a bit off guard by the question. “What?”

“Why Elder Michaels? I mean,” Kevin’s brow was furrowed as though he were legitimately trying to figure it out, “he’s not really the leadership type, he’s never really been given any actual responsibility, he just does what everyone else does.”

“I know my Elders,” Connor said with conviction. “I know he can do it. None of them are really ready for this, but I wasn’t ready either when I first got here and everything worked itself out. I learned. Michaels can handle it.”

“I just think maybe there’s someone who might be better suited to it, is all.”

Connor stood for a moment, studying Kevin’s face, trying to decide if this was leading where he thought it was, trying to decide if Kevin really was that vain. “And who would you suggest?”

A shrug. “I’m not going to press the issue.”

“No really,” Connor said, turning to face Kevin with his whole body. “Who would you suggest?”

“You don’t have to get so touchy about it.”

Connor really did try to suppress it, but as tired as he was and as sick of Kevin’s changeable behaviour as he was, he simply found it impossible. “I’m going to feel however I want about this, Kevin. Do you really think you’d be that much better than Elder Michaels at doing my job?”

“It’s not your job anymore, is it? That’s kind of the thing. And I would be better than Elder Michaels, by the way. Out of everybody here, I have the most experience being in charge. It’s entirely unfair to leave that responsibility to Elder Michaels just because you ‘feel’ like he would do a good job at it. It’s about leadership qualities and experience. I have those and Michaels doesn’t.”

“Experience?” Connor asked in disbelief. “What experience? Looking after them while I went to talk to Mafala? Babysitting your kid sister? When have you ever gotten experience doing this kind of work?”

Kevin whirled around, face set. “When have any of us? No one here is ready for that kind of responsibility so you might as well give it to the person who actually has an ounce of leadership. I know I would do a good job at it, we both know, but who knows what would happen with Elder fucking Michaels in charge.”

Completely fed up, Connor threw his arms in the air and laughed. “I cannot believe this. Out of everything to get upset about- What kind of leadership do you have, Kevin? When have you ever led anyone? Last I checked, it was Arnold who led us through it all. First sign of trouble and you were running off to Disney World. You couldn’t even be bothered to try.”

“I came back.”

“Oh yeah, you came back. You came back and tried to take credit for everything that Arnold did and got a book shoved up your ass.”

Kevin flinched and Connor felt instant regret. But the feeling didn’t last long. It took only a moment for Kevin to gather himself again and come back at him with redoubled determination.

“I tried. I came back and I offered my help. I gave you that option, but you just flocked right to the first guy you thought might be helpful, just like you did when we first arrived. What kind of leadership skills can you claim, McKinley? Follow whoever looks best? Latch on to the first person who lies to you? All those Elders, they came to you with their problems, they asked for your help and the best you could do was to tell them to stop feeling. Can’t be upset if you don’t have emotions, right? So what if your sister died? So what if your dad beats you? If we all just pretend it never happened, how bad can it be?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Nothing’s fair, Connor!” Kevin yelled, surging forward, forcing Connor to take a step back. “Nothing’s ever been fair! We got sent to Uganda! The fucking unfairness capitol of the world! Everyone’s sick and everyone’s dying and anyone who’s not gets to watch it all happen.” His voice got quiet as he leaned in to hiss, “Life’s never been fair, Connor, you of all people should know that.”

There was a brief moment in which all Connor could do was glair up at Kevin, breath heaving and using all of his energy not to hit him or start crying or sink to his knees in defeat. He held his ground. He whispered, “Goodnight, Elder Price.” Then he turned and walked away.

He should have just gone back into the hut, should have retreated to the safety of his room, gone to sleep. But his legs took him down the dirt road, past the village, out into the beyond. He wasn’t certain Kevin was following him until his hand grabbed his arm, turning him around violently.

“Go back to the hut. It’s late,” he told Kevin. He never thought he could hate that face, but the disgust and pure animosity in his chest at the sight of it at that moment forced him to turn back around and keep walking.

“I’m not done,” Kevin called after him. He rushed to catch up, and Connor did his best not to look back at him.

“I am. Goodnight.”

“No.” Suddenly Kevin was in front of him and Connor stopped in his tracks. “No, you’re not done either, there’s more to say.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Well, tough shit, Connor, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.”

“I’ve been listening!” Connor yelled, so tired and so repulsed he thought he might throw up, if not from this then from the heat. “I humoured you and all you’ve done is show me that you haven’t changed one bit! You’re still the exact same person you were when you got here! You’re still the same selfish, narcissistic, arrogant prick that charged headfirst into a warlord’s camp thinking he was going to change the world just like that. You’re not special, Kevin! You’re just like the rest of us, just as hopeless and lost as we all are. You can’t fix the planet and you can’t fix me!”

“You want to talk selfish?” Kevin asked, the fire burning bright in his eyes once again. Connor rolled his eyes and readied himself for Kevin’s oncoming wave of self-righteousness. “Selfish is up and leaving all of your friends because it’s just too hard to stick around anymore. Selfish is not even considering all of them, not even asking them what to do because you need to seem strong. Selfish is not telling anyone that you’re leaving and putting all that shit onto one other person to shoulder for you.”

“You could have said something.”

“No, I couldn’t! Because it wasn’t my place! I wanted to help you, Connor, and maybe that makes me the selfish bastard you’ve already made it so clear you think I am, maybe that makes me blindly self-obsessed, but I really thought I could make a difference. But all you’ve done is run away.”

“Well, maybe I’m just taking a page from your book, then.”

“I’ve done nothing but offer my help to you since the day I got here. All I’ve done has been try and try and try and I’m so sick of it, Connor, I’m sick of you thinking you can just put all your problems onto one person, especially when that one person is yourself. You should have told us!”

“I didn’t have a choice!” Connor yelled back, desperate for Kevin to understand. “I didn’t want to keep it a secret, I don’t want to go back, but I don’t have a choice! They’re my family, Kevin! I love them!”

“What if I love you?”

The world lurched. Connor’s heart nearly stopped. “You don’t love me,” he whispered.

“How could you-“

“You don’t fall in love with someone after three weeks.”

“How about three months then?” Kevin countered, face full of desperation that Connor couldn’t place an origin on. This was uncharted territory, this was something he couldn’t possibly navigate. “What about three years? What about three days? What’s the cap on this? Who’s to say when I’m allowed to love you?”

“It’s not love, Kevin, it’s lust. You don’t love me.”

“How could you possibly know?”

“Because I know, alright? Because I just do.”

“But how?”

“I don’t know! All I know is you don’t love me! It’s not real, Kevin! It’s something else! You’re scared and desperate and I don’t know what else, but you’re not in love!” This was it, this was Connor’s barrier, this was the one thing he couldn’t handle. Love. It horrified him in a way he could never put into words. It wasn’t just not being ready, it was something so much more damning.

“How am I ever supposed to find out if you go?”

Connor leaned forward, hands on his knees, fighting a wave of nausea. His head was starting to get light. “I can’t leave my family behind just do you can figure out your feelings.” He closed his eyes tight, trying not to retch. “You would do the same.”

“I don’t know that. Maybe I would stay. I sure as hell wouldn’t just vanish without so much as a goodbye.”

“I’m still here, Kevin, I’m not gone yet. And you’ve got to understand, please, I’m begging you to understand, I’m not… capable… of leaving all of that behind me. They’re my family. They’re everything. If my parents want me to come home I can’t… I can’t say no. I have to go. You’ve got to know that, right? Your parents, they’re probably saying the same thing. They’re upset with you, they’re telling you what a mistake it all was, they’re disappointed.”

“If they are then I wouldn’t know it.”

At that, Connor looked up. Kevin’s features were still tight, his body still tense with a dying aggression, but he had begun to tire himself out. The light of the moon left him exposed and bright, his temple garments glowing, his hair in disarray. “What do you mean?” Connor asked.

“They haven’t sent me anything, not since the first month. They know I’m staying for the full two years and that’s all they wanted to know.”

“Your parents-“ abandoned you. Left you. Kevin was alone. “But how could they… What about your siblings?”

“What about them? I haven’t heard anything at all, why would I?”

Connor righted himself, his full height near even with Kevin, yet somehow Kevin seemed smaller. “Kevin, I didn’t know.”

“It wasn’t important.”

“Are you okay?”

There was a long moment. Too long. Before the silence could be broken, Connor closed the gap in a few short steps and took Kevin into his arms, as Kevin had done for him so many times. His response was a loose embrace.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Kevin muttered into Connor’s shoulder.

“You’re not.” The anger was gone, the disgust was gone, the pure unadulterated malice had vanished and all that was left was the hollow feeling in both of their chests and the pounding in Connor’s head. “It’s not- Nothing’s ending, Kevin. I’m just… going somewhere else. I’ll write you letters, I’ll send you things, I’m still going to be around even if I’m not… here.”

He punched him in the arm and Kevin cried out, “Ow! What was that for?”

“For calling yourself a selfish bastard again. I warned you I would.”

“I was only agreeing with you…” Kevin muttered, but his arms around Connor tightened and he buried his face in Connor’s shirt.

Connor still felt light-headed. There was still an unsettling of the stomach. But he held on to Kevin for dear life, scared that if he let go… Well, he wasn’t sure what he was scared would happen. But as long as Kevin was holding on to him he would return the embrace. Even as the heat built, even as his head started to swim, even when spots started in front of his eyes.

It wasn’t until he felt his stomach flip that he let go and heaved into the grass. He retched a few more times until nothing came up, and then a couple more for good measure. Kevin’s hand rubbed circles on his back and the other came up to feel his forehead.

“Have you had anything to drink today other than that one water bottle?” Connor gurgled in reply, leaning heavily on Kevin to keep himself upright and Kevin gave a heavy sigh. “God, you’re so terrible at taking care of yourself. What are you going to do when you don’t have me around?”

The trip back to the hut was slow. Connor had to stop a few times to sit down while his head found gravity again. When they arrived he was deposited on the couch and they spent an hour with Kevin forcing him to take slow sips of water.

They weren’t done. There was more to say, apologies and reassurances, things that needed discussion. But for one night they could ignore it. For the sake of their exhausted bodies they would leave it for now. All they craved was sleep and company.

With a note left on his pillow for Arnold’s sake, Kevin slept on the floor next to Connor’s bed that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, alright, time for the boys to calm down. My apologies to those of you who did not sign up for that, this whole fic is one big self-indulgence, and boy-oh-boy was that self-indulgent. Thank's so much for the comments, for real, they are super appreciated. I know I don't respond to them, but I read them all and they make me feel good and I love you. In other news my previously advertised fic is now up. It's called Abnormal and check it out if you like plot because there will be A Lot of it, but also a lot of McPriceley. Good stuff. See you round.
> 
> -G


	9. The Most Handsome Elder Price

They told Arnold over a game of spoons.

It was around lunchtime and everyone was taking a break from their daily chores. All of the others had opted to more leisurely pursuits such as napping, reading, laying about in the shade, or catching up with some much-needed gossip. The heat wave had nearly ended, but the air was muggy and the sky was clouded over, sunless, but heavy.

Connor, Kevin, Arnold and Poptarts had chosen to play a game of cards on the floor of the mission hut. Poptarts was already out, watching idly from the couch as the others passed around the cards one by one. Kevin wasn’t doing so well, but he could tell by Arnold’s horrific poker face that he was close to a matching set, his arm spring-loaded to grab at one of the two remaining spoons.

“Arnold,” Kevin started, glancing down at the card he was handed, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

Connor glanced over to Kevin, face tripping up between his nerves and his game face. They had discussed telling Arnold about them, agreed that they would do it that day over lunch, but Kevin decided he may as well kill two birds with one stone and win at cards while he was at it. He just needed to time it right.

“What’s up?” Arnold asked, eyes never straying from his hand.

“What would you describe us as?” Kevin had asked Connor the day before while they made the plans. “How would you… introduce it?”

“I’m not sure,” Connor had replied, baffled. “I supposed I’d say we were dating? But we haven’t really been on any dates. I don’t think late-night vent-sessions really count.”

Neither of them said boyfriend. Both of them were willing to wait for the other to bring it up and so it was never raised, though both of them thought it.

“You know how Elder McKinley and I have been spending a lot of time together lately?” Kevin said, trying to time it just right, calculating his move to match up with the winning card in Arnold’s hand. A 6. He needed a 6. Kevin was holding a 6. Kevin passed him the 6. “Well-“

“You guys are dating, right?”

“What?”

In Kevin’s brief falter he managed to miss the moment. Arnold’s hand shot out to grab a spoon and Connor’s followed quickly after. Kevin had lost the game. “Kevin, if you’re going to cheat at cards, you need better reflexes,” Poptarts muttered behind him as Kevin sat staring at the empty space where the spoon had once been.

“You knew?” Kevin asked Arnold.

Arnold looked up at him. “Hm? Knew what?”

“That we’re dating,” Connor supplied, sounding surprisingly level-headed as he shuffled the deck.

Arnold laughed, “That’s funny.” Connor looked up at him, eyebrows raised, and Arnold looked back and forth between him and Kevin, expression growing increasingly confused. “Wait, you’re serious. You guys are- You’re dating? Like for real?”

“You literally just said-“

“I was just trying to mess you up so you’d lose the hand, I didn’t think…”

“I should be surprised,” Kevin said, “But this is about par for the course.”

A smile slapped itself onto Arnold’s face and he said again, in a whisper-yell as though he were actually concerned about waking up Elder Neeley in the next room, “You guys are dating? You’re together? Oh my gosh, that’s so awesome!” He smacked Kevin’s arm excitedly.

“Ow!” Kevin cried out. “What was that for?”

“You did it, Kev!” Arnold squeaked. “I’m so happy for you guys, oh my goodness, I can’t believe it. How long?”

“About a month,” Connor told him, dealing their new hands. “But it’s not really… definable.”

“A whole month?” he asked incredulously

“Yeah, I really thought you would have caught on, buddy,” Kevin said, smiling. “I didn’t think we were hiding it that well, to be honest.”

“Oh, you’re not,” Poptarts confirmed. “Pretty much everybody knows something’s up, they just don’t know what.”

Kevin’s head shot around in alarm, something akin to fear, but not quite so fearful, shooting up through him. “They know?”

“The two of you are getting to be a pretty big conversation topic around here these days,” Poptarts said, stretching out across the cushions. “They don’t know you’re dating, but they know you like each other. I think there might be a betting pool about how long you’ll take to get together. None of them won. I didn’t enter. I did enter. I won. Or I will have won once you tell them all.”

“That seems… incredibly dishonest,” Connor said and Kevin silently admitted that he was a little impressed.

Poptarts shrugged. “Uganda’s pretty slow, if you hadn’t noticed. And all we’re betting is a chore swap anyways. Next time you stick me on cleaning the bathroom?” He shook his head. “Schrader’s not gonna be happy.” They all looked at him in disbelief. “Once you tell them all, that is.”

“You haven’t told anyone yet?” Arnold asked, leaning forward intently, his cards ignored.

“Not really,” Kevin said, exchanging a look with Connor. “Just you and Poptarts. We don’t really want to make things weird for anyone.”

“It’s not weird, it’s fantastic!” Arnold declared. “I’m so unbelievably happy for the two of you!”

“Thanks. That… actually means a lot, Arnold,” Connor said with a pleased smile and Kevin felt his body sigh with relief.

“When are you gonna tell them?”

Another look was exchanged. “We don’t- um-”

“There’s not really a reason to,” Kevin said. “You and Poptarts, sure, you’re our companions, it’s only fair, but everyone else-”

“It isn’t pressing,” Connor finished for him, nervously straightening out the spoon that lay between him and Arnold. “And I don’t want anyone to go thinking I have a bias or anything and we don’t really want to invite questions…”

“Well, I think it’s really cute,” Arnold beamed, picking up his cards. “You two are, like perfect for each other.” He shot Kevin an earnest look. “And if you ever need our room to yourselves for private time, just go right ahead and kick me out. I can sit out here and cover my ears, I won’t even-“

“Arnold! Ew! No! Don’t be gross!” Kevin protested, shoving his arm. “I would rather die than have that conversation with you.”

“Whatever you say,” Arnold said, burying his face in his cards. “Offer stands.”

Arnold managed to win that hand as well and, thus, the game. Possibly it was chance or possibly it was because Connor was sufficiently distracted, but he held the victory with as much grace as Arnold ever could, which is to say very little at all.

Once they were finished, they reasoned it was time to get back to work and packed the cards away for another day. Connor and Poptarts returned to the garden where they were attempting to construct something out of tarps and sticks to keep it from flooding once the rain started. Kevin and Arnold were joined by Church and Neeley in making much-needed repairs to some of the more crumbling huts in preparation for that same weather.

The heat up on the roof of Miss Uchena’s hut was like a second skin, clinging to every inch of the group and embedding itself in their follicles. Without a sun there was no way to shade themselves from it and pouring the contents of their water bottles over their heads, though tempting, would be a waste. So instead they resigned themselves to discomfort and worked through their sweat.

Arnold passed Kevin clumps of straw to push up under the securing straps. Even though he knew it was solid, Kevin felt the constant worry that he might, at any moment, fall through. The height… well, he tried not to look down.

“How are things going with Nabulungi?” he asked in an attempt to distract himself, accepting another handful of straw.

“Really good,” Arnold said, grin in his voice, though Kevin couldn’t turn around to see it. “I’m gonna ask her to go steady.”

“I didn’t know people said that anymore,” Kevin muttered. Then louder he said, “I thought you two were already exclusive, she doesn’t exactly have that many options.”

“I want to make it official.” He passed up another handful and Kevin had to grope around for it before it was gently pressed into his hand. His fingers had gotten more used to manual labour in the months he had been here, but they were still growing raw from the roughness of the straw. It wouldn’t come to the point of needing Band-Aids, but some aloe vera or something similarly soothing would be nice.

“Do you love her?” Kevin asked tentatively.

“Yeah!” was the enthusiastic reply. “She’s so amazing, Kev, I want to be with her all the time. She’s so cute and sweet and-“

“Yeah, okay,” Kevin interrupted. There was no need to invoke one of Arnold’s ramble sessions, sweet though it may be. He carefully tried to tuck the straw under the rope and when it didn’t quite fit he shoved it as hard as he could causing it to split apart in his hand. “Have you told her you love her?”

“Not yet. She knows, though.”

“Does she love you?”

“I dunno,” Arnold said chipperly as Kevin tried to contain the handful of straw he had ruined. “She hasn’t said anything and you know I’m not so good at reading people.” He was quiet for a moment as he possibly watched Kevin struggle or possibly just looked around at the village around them. In the overcast light there was very little shadow and everything looked flat and cool, in spite of the temperature to the contrary. “Is this about Elder McKinley?”

“No,” Kevin said, barely preventing himself from shooting Arnold a look. “Not everything is about me, y’know.”

“I know, you’ve gotten a lot better with that,” Arnold agreed, which should have made Kevin feel proud, but only made him feel oddly guilty. “It just seems like weird timing. And you never really ask about us unless you’re leading up to a question about you. Not that it’s a bad thing, I like talking about you.”

“But…”

“But what?”

“It sounded like you were going to add a ‘but’ to that statement.”

“No,” Arnold said. Kevin tossed the unruly straw away and reached back to take the new handful Arnold already had waiting. “Do you wanna switch jobs? That way you don’t have to look down.”

“No, I’m fine,” Kevin assured him, though even hearing the sharp angle at which Arnold’s voice was coming from made his stomach do strange things. He could do this, no big deal. Heights were nothing so long as you never looked down. Or so he told himself. The straw went in easily and he shifted carefully over to the next empty patch.

“Do you think I’m selfish, Arnold?” Kevin asked quietly, not wanting their chore partners to hear from the other side of the hut. It had been bothering him for some time and in spite of reassurances, Kevin still felt like maybe everyone was just being nice.

“Selfish?” Arnold exclaimed. “No way! You’re, like, the most selfless guy I know. You’re totally giving, dude.”

Kevin sighed and looked up, wishing it would just rain already. “People keep saying that. Not that last bit, but that I’m not selfish, but… I kind of make things about me sometimes, don’t I?”

“Sure,” Arnold agreed, nudging Kevin’s elbow with straw until he took it reluctantly. “But I think everyone does that. We’ve got to talk about ourselves sometimes, otherwise we wouldn’t be interesting, right?”

“I guess,” Kevin said. But he seemed to do it so often. He was doing it right now. Rules with Arnold were different than rules with other people, Arnold was easier, but maybe Kevin was just misusing that for his own gain. Should he drop it, he wondered? Or would it be better to apologize for turning the conversation to himself yet again.

And of course there were other things he wanted to ask Arnold about, but would that be selfish too? He wanted to ask about being in love, but Arnold had been right in thinking there had been an alternate intention there. God, he couldn’t even ask his best friend about his girlfriend without it being about himself. And there was the other question too, one he had only briefly considered before, but wondered about even more since Arnold had brought it up over cards. Oh, but he didn’t want to make things weird, and that would be a weird and awkward thing to talk about with him.

He shoved the straw into place and elected to keep his mouth shut on the topic. “Nabulungi does love you.”

“Yeah… I hope she does.”

~

“Arnold took it pretty well,” Connor said as he flopped onto the beds.

True to his word, Arnold had taken off for the night (with a wink to Kevin), though neither of them had requested it. They decided to take the opportunity, however, and once again Kevin found his bed and Arnold’s pressed together with the honest intention of sleep. “Yeah, he did,” Kevin agreed as he took off his shoes. The heat had left him sweaty and gross, and Kevin went back and forth between wondering if this might be the wrong night to sleep in the same bed and hoping that Connor couldn’t smell his feet from there.

“He’s a really good companion,” Connor muttered as he stared up at the ceiling, legs dangling over the side of the cot. “You two were really well matched.”

“I guess we have Heavenly Father to thank for that.”

Connor blew a raspberry and Kevin smiled. “Oh, don’t give me that, I know you don’t believe it.”

Shoes off and tucked away, Kevin sat down on the end of his cot and reached up to loosen his tie. “Well, whoever it was who set us up together, they knew what they were doing.”

“Pulling names out of a hat is pretty effective too.” Kevin pulled the loosened tie up over his head. “What are you doing?”

Kevin looked back at where Connor was watching him with interest. The mattresses were hard, but the sheets had gathered around his head like a watery halo. “Taking off my tie?”

“You don’t untie it first?”

“No, why would I?”

Connor sat up and crawled forward on his knees until he was sitting directly behind Kevin and rested his chin on Kevin’s shoulder. “It’ll get all wrinkled.”

“I don’t know how to tie it back up. I’d rather it be wrinkled than undone.”

Connor’s arms wrapped around Kevin’s waist and he leaned his head against Kevin’s. “So you were just never going to wash your ties? For the whole two years you were here?”

“Well…”

“Nope. No. No elder under my watch is going to walk around with a dirty, wrinkled tie. It’s unseemly. Doesn’t reflect the District well.” His hands reached out to grab at the tie and Kevin held it away, well out of reach.

“I’m doing just fine, thank you. I can get Arnold to tie it up for me if I ever need it.”

“You seriously think Arnold knows how to tie a tie?” Connor asked wryly, his voice vibrating through Kevin’s shoulder.

“I mean he’s out here, isn’t he? An elder on his mission? I’m pretty sure he’d need to know how to tie a tie.”

“And yet here you are, an elder on his mission, completely clueless. How did your father let you out of the country like this?” He held out his hand, palm up, and wiggled his fingers. “Come on, hand it over. It’s time you became a man, Elder Price.”

Kevin relented, placing the tie (blue with yellow sunflowers) into Connor’s waiting hand, and Connor quickly set to work, showing him how to tie it properly. His fingers moved delicately and quick, the pads showing the subtle beginnings of callouses that they were all developing. It sounded cliché, but Kevin liked Connor’s hands. There was a reason it was a cliché, he supposed. “It’s the easiest way,” Connor said, tightening the fresh knot around Kevin’s neck again. “There’s a whole load of other knots – full-Windsors, Pratt knot, Kelvin knot – but this is the one most people use.”

“Why do you know so much about tie knots?”

“Because I’m prepared for the world, Kevin. My dad made sure of that. So did boy scouts, but no one wants a truckers hitch around their neck. Now do it over so I know you’ve got it.”

Kevin sighed as he undid the knot and Connor’s arms once again wrapped around his waist tightly. With great concentration he managed to stumble through the process as Connor looked on, occasionally dotting his jawline with kisses. Kevin’s fingers were significantly less refined. “How’s that?” Kevin asked once he had finished.

“Hm,” Connor hummed, pressing another kiss to Kevin’s neck just above his collar. “It’ll do. You’ll have to practice more, though.” A kiss to the cheek. “And the second you’ve mastered that, I want you to teach it to Elder Cunningham.” A kiss to the shell of his ear. “Our Prophet is going to be presentable if it kills me.”

“Maybe dating the District Leader was a mistake,” Kevin muttered as he once again undid his tie.

“Oh please,” Connor replied, nuzzling the crook of Kevin’s jaw. “We all know it gets you all hot and bothered.”

“You wish.” His hands reached up to undo his shirt, but he paused, letting them hover over the first button. Was it right? How clothed should they be? Was it alright for him to be in just his garments while sleeping in the same bed as Connor or should he put on pyjamas overtop? Sure, Connor had seen it before, Kevin rarely put on anything over his garments during their nighttime rendezvous’, but were the rules different when they were knowingly sleeping in the same bed? What was the implication?

Connor was getting pretty handsy, but he was still wearing all of his layers, minus socks, so Kevin was a little at a loss. What was Connor expecting? Maybe it would be best to ask. Would that be weird? Yes. It would be weird. But he decided to ask anyways.

“Hey Connor?”

“Mm?”

“What are your thoughts on sex?”

Connor’s hands and mouth paused. Then he laughed. “What are my thoughts on sex,” he repeated. “Um, well, let me think.” He sounded a little embarrassed, but mostly amused and Kevin felt the opposite. He was curious, though, and it would be good to know. They had never had this conversation, as they often didn’t with important conversations, and Kevin felt it was probably a step in the right direction. A step towards “boyfriend” instead of just “dating.”

“I think it’s good,” Connor said. “I’ve never done it, but I’ve heard good things. Um, I think it’s healthy. I think a lot of people do it and it’s not nearly as wrong to do as the Church says it is. And I get the feeling that you asked me for a reason. What’s up?”

“I dunno,” Kevin answered, reaching back to stroke up and down Connor’s leg. Both of Connor’s knees had taken up residence on either side of Kevin’s hips, feet tucked and chest pressed to Kevin’s back. He felt Connor relax a little at his touch and soon another kiss was gifted to his neck. “I guess I’ve just been thinking about what Arnold said earlier and I realized we never really talked about it. I figure we should be on the same page about this.”

“Oh,” Connor said. “I guess you’re right, I never really thought of talking about it. I guess I just figured it would happen whenever we were ready.”

“Do you feel ready?”

Connor’s chin came down to rest heavily on Kevin’s shoulder and it was accompanied by a sigh. “I don’t know. I think so. I’m not really sure how you’re supposed to know if you’re ready, I think you just decide you’re ready one day and then you do it. I think you feel more ready after you do it than you do before.”

The words didn’t settle comfortably in Kevin’s belly and he grimaced. “That doesn’t sound quite right.”

“Are you ready?”

Kevin thought about it. He thought about the times his body had responded when he didn’t want it to, he thought about the times he had pretended in the shower, he thought about the urge he sometimes felt when he and Connor were alone together and getting heated. And he realized that whether or not he had been ready before, during any of those moments, he wasn’t ready in this one. “No,” he replied.

“That’s okay,” Connor said without an ounce of dejection in his voice. “You don’t have to be ready right this second. You’re not obligated to be ready just because other people think we should be.” He squeezed his arms around Kevin’s chest as tightly as he could and Kevin smiled. “We can be ready some other time. Now take off your shirt before it gets any more wrinkled. I swear you’re actually trying to make us all look bad.”

“Only in comparison.”

“God, I wish you were wrong.”

Kevin unbuttoned his shirt as Connor untucked it for him and soon it was discarded to the floor. “You know, Arnold’s gonna think we did stuff even though we didn’t,” Connor muttered while Kevin undid his belt. Connor’s arms had made themselves comfortable draped around Kevin’s shoulders and he was making no move to undress himself.

“Do you care?”

“No, but I thought you might.”

Out came the belt and down onto the floor it went. “I don’t mind,” Kevin told him truthfully. “It’s not like he’s going to tell anyone.”

Connor leaned forward to try to peer into Kevin’s face, only half successful. “Do you think he’ll tell Nabulungi about us?” He sounded mostly curious, but maybe a little excited too, like he hoped the answer would be yes. Or maybe because he worried it would be.

“I don’t know,” Kevin said. Arnold wasn’t much of one to keep secrets, but if it was important enough he would. This probably counted as important. Kevin wasn’t sure he would really mind if Arnold exposed them, it would certainly make things easier. Just having both Poptarts and Arnold in the know was already showing its benefits. “Would you care if he did?”

Connor sat back once more. “I don’t think so. I’m kinda in this headspace right now where I’m indifferent to it. Like, if everyone knew I wouldn’t really care, but if they didn’t know I also wouldn’t care.”

“Yeah, me too. Like, I wouldn’t tell anyone, but I wouldn’t mind if they knew.”

“Exactly.”

“Does this mean we should start telling people?”

“Oh, God no,” Connor replied, “I wouldn’t want to give Poptarts the satisfaction.”

Kevin gave a soft laugh. “I can’t believe they have a betting pool on us.”

“I think if we’re careful enough about this,” Connor began slowly, “we can time it out so someone else wins that bet.”

“Is there someone in particular you want to win?” Kevin asked, surprised that Connor would even consider rigging a bet. Gambling was a sin, but rigging it probably wasn’t much better.

“No, I just want Poptarts to lose.”

“How very unsporting of you!” Kevin exclaimed. He dug his hands beneath Connor’s knees and, as Connor yelped and his grip around Kevin’s neck tightened, stood up with Connor held on his back. Connor’s legs wrapped around Kevin’s midsection and he managed to cry out, “Kevin!” as Kevin began to walk them around the room. “Elder McKinley,” Kevin continued in his best authoritative voice as Connor yelled to be put down, “I thought you were supposed to be the good one between the two of us. How am I supposed to trust again when I know one so virtuous would be so deceitful?”

“Kevin, put me down or I swear to Heavenly Father I will take us both down.”

“And violence too!” Kevin cried in mock horror. “My goodness, what poor influences you must surround yourself with!”

“I’ll have you know my feet are at level with a place you do not want to be kicked.”

Kevin ignored the threat, pacing around the tiny room with the angry redhead holding tightly to him, the tremble of laughter ripping through his body and letting Kevin know the threats were empty ones. “Oh, how disappointed the Prophet will be when he hears about this! He’ll have to make a new rule in his book just for you.”

“Kevin!” Connor said one last time, burying his laughter in Kevin’s shoulder.

“Rule number 587: Elder McKinley must do the chores of the most handsome Elder Price for a week- a month at least to atone for his crimes of not being very nice.”

“There’s not that many rules,” Connor managed through his giggles.

“Not yet, but if you keep up this mean streak I’m sure you’ll inspire a few more,” Kevin told him certainly. It was tough work to keep the smile from his features, especially after years of training one onto his face, and his cheeks were growing sore with the strain. “Rule number 372: Elder McKinley must wash all the other Elders’ underwear for a year unless he allows double desserts for the most handsome Elder Price.”

“This is because you lost at cards today, isn’t it? This is your way of getting back at me. I lost too!”

“Now there’s a good point! Rule number 844: Elder Price wins all card games by default because he’s just that good at them.”

“If you were that good you wouldn’t have lost.”

“Rule number 432: Elder McKinley needs to stop being such a smartass!”

“Kevin, if you don’t put me down, I’m putting you on bathroom cleanup for an entire week. The second those pipes get fixed.”

“Oh, and my work here is done!” Kevin cried, hastily dropping Connor onto the bed and falling in next to him. “You know, I may have been wrong? It’s possible you’re a saint.”

“I’ve always thought so,” Connor said, eyes glittering.

Kevin glanced down and found the courage to make one last snide remark before the mood left him. “Your shirt’s wrinkled.” And Connor pushed him off the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hello, hi. Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter, but I'm done with school at long last and hopefully will have the time to start writing again. There's only 2 or 3 more chapters for this fic that I have planned and then it's done, but I've got no idea when those will be posted, so apologies in advance if it takes a while. Thanks so much for the kudos and comments, they mean a lot to me! And honestly thanks to everyone who reads this far, it's been fun and you've got great stamina.
> 
> -G


	10. Like Ugandan Rain

There came a day when the pipe was fixed. The hut rejoiced and celebrated with cups of refreshing water straight from the tap, and took turns over the course of the next week taking hot showers for the first time in days. They were immediately faced with the reality that although they now had water, the supply of hot water was not infinite.

There came a day when Kevin was woken up by Connor having a hell dream. It was the first time he had ever been there to wake him up and comfort him in the aftermath. Connor didn’t cry, but seemed void, the same emotionless shell Kevin had witnessed on a few previous nights, way back at the beginning of their friendship. They stayed awake for as long as they could before falling back into a more peaceful sleep.

There came a day when Elder Thomas emerged from his room and retrieved Kevin from the couch where he sat playing an afternoon match of charades. Kevin was sent into the room where he found Elder McKinley sitting at the foot of his bed, an empty envelope beside him and a plane ticket in his hand. They sat together in silence for ages, waiting for the shock to fall away.

There came a day when Elder McKinley told the rest of the group he was leaving in ten days. Standing alone at the front of the living room while the others sat listening in shattered quiet he revealed that Elder Michaels would be taking over and that he had every faith that District 9 would be a source of pride to all of them for years to come. Once he was finished they abandoned their seats to encompass their leader in something vaguely resembling a hug and more resembling a large pile.

There came many days when things moved ahead as though nothing were happening. Chores were assigned and completed, the kitchen sink was approached with caution, the heat shifted from heavy and damp to heavy and wet. It rained at last.

It was a shame that on Connor’s last night in Uganda it was raining. Not because they disliked the rain, but because it meant the stars were unreachable. In commemoration of the occasion, District 9 held a small party, if it could be called such, wherein they drank soda, ate lavishly, and spent hours upon hours talking and joking and playing games. It was a relief when the festivities ended and the elders all went to bed, leaving Kevin sitting awake in his room, waiting for the right moment to emerge and take his seat on the couch.

Connor was already waiting for him.

In the eleven days since the plane ticket had arrived, Connor had had five hell dreams. It wasn’t a record by any means, but it was a troubling increase and growing all the time. But it wasn’t what they were there for. This was a pre-planned meeting. One last moment in the dark together.

The rain drummed at the tin roof of the hut of District 9, the only sound present as the pair sat together on the couch, waiting for their time to be up.

“Where are you from, Kevin?” Connor asked.

“I thought you already knew.”

“No, I never really thought to ask.”

“Oh.” Kevin shifted his grip on Connor where the latter leaned back against his chest and felt the gentle brush of Connor’s thumb across his wrist. “I’m from Utah. Salt Lake City, actually.”

“Ooh,” Connor crooned, “won’t mom and dad be proud of me. I bagged a boy from the promise land.”

“You can’t walk two feet in Utah without tripping over a Mormon.”

“Yet I had the good luck to stumble over you.”

They sat in silence for a moment.

“Where are you from, Connor?”

He didn’t respond at first, the gentle beat of rain weighing heavy in the air. “Vermont,” he said quietly.

Kevin sucked in a breath as though it could stop his heart from sinking. “That’s so far away,” he whispered.

“It’s not that bad.”

“It’s a two day drive, Connor.”

He didn’t answer.

The lamp behind Kevin gave a respectable amount of light, but somehow in the presence of rain, it felt dimmed. Isolation had come with the rain, blocking the group into their hut, cutting them off from the outside world without actually preventing them from leaving. A border sat at their door between wet and dry and stepping through it was refreshing during the day, but unthinkable at night. The outside world may as well have ceased to exist.

“I probably won’t stay in Vermont,” Connor said, fiddling with one of Kevin’s fingers. “I want to go to school. I’m not sure what for, maybe social work. I want to help people, but I don’t want to stay in Vermont to do that. Maybe I’ll go to Utah.”

“I’m not going to be back for another year.”

“I’m trying to get an education, not everything is about you, Kevin,” Connor said with a smile in his voice. Kevin smiled too, feeling sad and tired and possibly in love. Mostly, he felt heavy.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Don’t start that,” Connor moaned. “We’re not doing that tonight, I don’t want to be sad on my last night here. We’ll have plenty of time to cry over each other later.”

“You’re holding up pretty good, actually, I thought you’d have broken by now.”

“Such little faith?” There was a slight waver in his voice and Kevin responded with a tight hug, burying his face in Connor’s neck. Maybe if he just never let go Connor would have to stay. He just wanted to melt into him, never part, encompass himself in Connor’s scent and touch and be happy. But he knew it could never happen.

“Tell me what your home is like,” Kevin said.

Connor sniffed and ran a hand across his watery eyes. “We live in a city, but it’s a small city, like there’s a lot of people, but no skyscrapers. Lots of trees everywhere, but less all the time. There’s this park near my house that’s got this one tree, we call it the Climbing Tree, that grew in kinda sideways so you can almost walk up the trunk. My sister and brother used to sit up there with me – Ben too, until he got too tall– and we wouldn’t let anyone else up.” He leaned his head against Kevin’s arm and the smile returned to his voice. “I got too tall when I was 15, but McKenzie and Luke kept going, they liked to tease me about it.”

“Sounds like you’re really close with your siblings.”

“Yeah, we were,” Connor said. “Me and Ben and McKenzie and Luke and Libby. It was so weird when Libby went on her mission, we weren’t used to being apart so much. When Ben left it was less strange. I really miss them sometimes. All of them, I mean. It’ll be weird to be back, though.”

“They’ll be happy to see you.”

“Yeah…” He shifted, pulling himself upright so that they could look eye to eye and examined Kevin’s face briefly. “If I lived in Utah… If I went there for school and got my own place… would you come visit me?”

“Every day.”

He shifted again, pulling himself fully out of Kevin’s arms so he could see him properly. “Could I come visit you?”

“As often as you wanted.”

The glow did wonderful things to Connor’s hair and eyes, turning red to copper and blue to teal, made his skin glow and filled his face with wonder. “Would you come live with me?”

Kevin didn’t answer as quickly as before, not quite surprised by the question, but contemplative. His whole heart was screaming yes, but something made him hesitate, an uncertainty in his mind that told him it was a bigger step than he could manage. “I don’t know, Connor,” he answered, running his hand across his sweat-touched forehead. “It’s hard to say what I’ll want- what either of us will want by then. A year is a long time.”

Connor’s face didn’t fall. Rather he smiled and leaned his head against the back of the couch, looking about at the room, or what he could see of it at least. “But if you had to say now,” he said. “If I was already there and you were the one going home tomorrow, what would you say?”

There was no weight to the question. Connor wasn’t testing him, he was merely curious. But Kevin thought hard about it anyways. He thought about his family back home, he thought about his feelings for Connor, he thought about what he wanted to do with his life. Then he thought about Connor’s eyes looking up at him, about what it felt like the few times he had woken up next to Connor, about the small distance between them he desperately wanted to close, and he thought about the smile Connor wore whenever Kevin managed to make him flustered in front of the other elders. And he smiled back.

“I would say yes,” he replied.

The smile Connor wore widened even as his eyes softened and of course Kevin couldn’t help but kiss him, not when he was looking like that.

“What are you gonna do when you get back?” Kevin asked once they had parted. “I don’t mean long-term or anything, just what do you want to do when you arrive?”

“I want to eat,” Connor said instantly, making Kevin’s eyebrows raise in amusement. “I want to get fast food, the greasiest stuff I can find. I’m going to absolutely gorge myself. The food here’s good and all, but it’s been ages since I’ve had McDonald’s.” His eyes widened. “Or pizza.”

“Oh, don’t say that word!” Kevin moaned, flopping back across the couch arm. “I can’t stand it!”

“Pepperoni… Sausage… Pineapple… Bacon…”

“Mushrooms.”

A look of disgust contorted Connor’s face and he shoved Kevin’s knee. “No, oh, no, mushrooms can come stay in Uganda.”

“You’re the one putting pineapple on it,” Kevin rebutted. “Just a ton of meat, and pineapple.”

“I was getting to the peppers. If you’d let me finish, this would be one loaded pizza.”

Kevin’s stomach growled and he held up a finger to silence Connor. “Okay, now we really need to stop or my stomach is going to digest itself”

“You ate so much at the party, how are you still hungry?”

“It’s what you do to me, Connor McKinley,” Kevin said in a wistful tone. “Although…” he sat up and squinted thoughtfully. “You bring up a good point. I’m certain there’s still sandwiches left over from the party.” Without another word he shot up out of his seat and made a stumbling run for the kitchen, feeling out for the walls in the dark.

“You’re such a romantic,” Connor called after him.

“I am, and you know why?” Kevin stepped out of the kitchen a moment later brandishing a plate laden with leftovers. “Because I brought enough to share.”

“I couldn’t possibly,” Connor groaned, clutching his still-full stomach as Kevin took his seat. He eyed the sandwiches and cheeses and various meats and fruit, then looked up doubtfully at Kevin. “There’s no way you can eat all that, not after everything you ate earlier.”

“Prepare to be amazed, Brother McKinley,” Kevin announced as he added bits of a chicken and cheese to an already bursting sandwich. He took a bite and loudly hummed his appreciation. “You are missing out,” he said. Or perhaps it was more accurate to describe as ‘tried to say.’

Connor watched in disgust, leaning against his hand. “I change my mind,” he said. “I’m moving to Alaska. There’s no way you can find me out there.”

“I’m very persistent,” Kevin assured him. He took another bite and his eyes fluttered at the pleasure of it. Not that he was particularly hungry, but it was possibly the closest thing he could get to pizza until he went home. Or maybe he could learn to make it. How hard could it be?

“Should I leave you two alone,” Connor asked.

“Nonsense, the more the merrier!”

Connor gave him a scrutinizing look. “Are you okay, Kevin?”

“I’m in heaven.”

“No, but really.” He took the plate from Kevin’s lap and placed it carefully in the floor. Then he put his hand on Kevin’s knee and Kevin chewed slowly, wondering what he could have done to earn concern from those blue eyes. “Are you handling this okay? You were pretty upset when I first told you, you can’t have gotten over all of that.”

“In case you’ve forgotten, I can do anything.”

“It feels like you’re deflecting.”

“But I answered your question.”

“Can you put the sandwich down, please?”

Kevin looked between Connor and the sandwich before leaning over to place it on the plate, wiping the crumbs off on the couch. Connor scowled a little at that, but gladly scooted back to make room for Kevin to face him, legs crossed.

Connor planted his hands on both of Kevin’s knees now and said, “It’s not forever, you know, me leaving. I mean, I’m not coming back, I couldn’t afford it if I wanted to, but we’re gonna see each other again in a year.”

“I know.”

“We can even send letters and make phone calls every now and then, I’m not just going to drop out of your life entirely.”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah, I know, Connor.”

“I’m just saying it’s okay to be a little upset about it.”

Kevin smiled as he realized what was probably going on and he placed his hands over Connor’s, enjoying the warmth of the touch. “Oh, I see,” he said. “So you actually do want to talk about this, just so long as you’re not the one who’s crying.”

“I never said I didn’t want to talk about it, I just didn’t want to start saying goodbyes,” Connor huffed. “I think it’s healthy to talk about this stuff. Feelings and all that. It’s good for you.”

“For you in the general sense, or me specifically?”

“Both.”

Kevin smirked. “I’m not avoiding any feelings, Connor, I’m just… not all that upset anymore.” Connor looked almost offended and Kevin laughed. “I’ll be sad to see you go, but right now I’m not really upset about it because, y’know, I’ve known for a while it was coming and I know it’s only temporary. I’ll have plenty of time to be upset while you’re gone, so will you. Right now, I just want to enjoy some good food and some good company.”

“When did you get so logical?”

“I have never been logical in my life and you know it.”

“No, but you’re damn level-headed these days.”

Kevin let his hands drift up Connor’s arms as he spoke. “Does it make you miss the old me? Exciting and unpredictable? Ready to blow up at a moments notice?”

“You still are, you know, you haven’t calmed down that much.”

“Life goes on and Kevin Price calms down. Like death and taxes.”

“Like Ugandan rain.”

Kevin looked up as though he could see the pounding storm through their shelter. It was wild and loud and isolating. “You wanna go outside?” he asked.

Connor’s eyebrows twitched a little, but he smiled and shook his head. “No, I think I’d rather have some cake.”

“Thought you weren’t hungry.”

“I could make room for more cake.”

It was a pineapple cake with coconut frosting. Delicious and sweet and made as a surprise by Elders Thomas, Church and Neeley. According to the story they had needed to keep their ingredient purchases a secret from Elder McKinley, which had proved challenging both due to the distance to the market and due to the fact that they made a few failed attempts before their final delicious success. Between ten people, most of it had been consumed during the party, but there was still enough left for one last slice.

Kevin placed the plate between them and handed Connor a fork, eager to dig in himself. They ate together in silence punctuated by hums of appreciation and one intimate moment of wiping icing off Kevin’s nose with Connor’s thumb. Connor knew he would probably feel sick in the morning from eating too much, but seeing as this was the last chance he had Kevin convinced him to ignore the future for now.

“Do you think Poptarts will be okay?” Connor asked as they ate.

“You need to stop worrying for much about how everyone else is going to do when you’re gone,” Kevin said, scraping some icing off the plate. But when he looked up, Connor’s genuine expression made him soften and he said, “He’s gonna be fine. He’s made friends here, we’ll take good care of him.”

“It would be so weird to be out here without a companion…” Connor had stopped eating altogether, his fork held loosely in front of him as he watched Kevin lick his own. “I’m sure it was strange enough to be companions with the District Leader, but to be without one at all would be so hard.”

“I’m companions with the Prophet, I can tell you a thing or two about weird.”

“Yeah, but that’s Arnold.”

“Yeah, he’s weird no matter what.”

Connor laughed. “No, I mean he’s not really changed by the Prophet title, he’s still the same person he was before, as far as I can tell. He’s… stable.”

“Poptarts is going to be fine,” Kevin assured him. “Companions don’t really mean anything anymore.” It was more just being roommates at that point in the mission. Sleeping in the same room and being assigned chores together. Other than that there wasn’t much left of that particular social structure. No one was quite that dedicated anymore and if he knew Michaels they would be losing even more formality in the coming days.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Kevin considered Connor’s face for a moment, the gentle downcast of his eyes, the sad smile, the look that told him the homesickness for Uganda he was already feeling. And wasn’t that the truth. Uganda had become a home, more than the States had ever been, not because they had been there for very long, but because they all had each other and they had built something together. It was home because it was happy. It was theirs and it was full of love and acceptance and encouragement, and it hurt to know they couldn’t stay forever.

“Come on, let’s go outside,” Kevin said, pushing the cake aside.

“It’s raining.”

“I love the rain,” Kevin said with a grin. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Let’s break a few more rules.”

Before Connor could come out of his hesitation, Kevin stood up and tugged him to his feet, pushing him towards the door.

The rain was warm. It soaked them to the bone instantly, filling their shoes and plastering their hair, pummeling their skin in a way that wasn’t really painful. Stepping through the wall of it into the dark beyond had been like stepping into another world where the air was dark velvet and the vast sky was falling loudly.

There had been storms since they had been there, not many, but a few. This was weak in comparison even if it made their world only a few feet in any direction. Kevin bounded out into the mud happily and turned his face heavenward. It felt divine.

“What’s your plan now, genius?” Connor shouted over the gentle roar.

“Who needs plans?” Kevin replied. “I’m done with plans, I don’t have time for them!”

He found a puddle accumulating in the muck and didn’t think twice before he jumped in it, sending a spray of water into the air where it mingled with the rain. The mud and water encompassed his feet and it made no difference, and he jumped again, managing to splash Connor who splashed him right back.

There was a quiet rumble of thunder somewhere off in the distance and Kevin turned to it in defiance. “Is that all you’ve got?” he screamed and Connor’s muted laughter pushed through the rain to his ears. He turned to him, smiling and beckoned him over. “Come scream at the rain with me, Connor.”

“Why?” Connor replied, arms wrapped tightly around himself and squinting against the onslaught, but he stepped forward anyways.

“Because it’s cathartic!”

Connor’s smile broadened. “What do I say?”

“Whatever you want to say!” He put an arm around him and pushed him forward into the dark.

Connor looked up at the sky, brushing the hair out of his face and moved from foot to foot like it would do anything to prevent the mud from taking his shoes. “Uh… I’ve seen storms bigger than you in Vermont!” he yelled and Kevin laughed.

He ran up beside Connor and belted out, “Are you just gonna take that? It’s like a drizzle out here!”

Thunder rolled distantly and Connor flinched into Kevin, but he didn’t back down. “That all you can do? You coward!”

“It’s pathetic!”

“You’re a has-been!”

“Just a puddle!”

“Hardly worth a weather report!”

Kevin howled with laughter and Connor grinned at him, and there was no question anymore that Kevin loved him. With all his heart and all his soul, he loved him more in that moment than he had ever thought possible. That knowledge spread like electricity through his limbs and he couldn’t help but jump and scream up at the sky, wordless and loud and lost in the rain.

“You want Connor McKinley?” he cried at the storm. “Well you can’t have him!”

“Last chance to strike me down! Then I’m out of your reach forever!”

“Hear that?” Kevin yelled, jabbing a finger at the sky. “Nothing you can do about it!”

“Give me everything you’ve got!”

Connor’s face was bright with glee and defiance, water dripping endlessly off his nose and chin, and Kevin loved that face. He loved that hair turned dark from the rain, that body shivering from the cold and from his joyous rage, that boy standing in the rain in his temple garments screaming at the sky, ready to take on a storm. He loved him.

They kissed and it was like a bad romance movie, but more uncomfortable than movie kisses in the rain had led them to believe, and Kevin didn’t care in the slightest. He held Connor to him as tightly as he could and kissed him with all the passion he could, even as the rain dripped into their mouths and noses, beading on their eyelashes. He picked him up and spun him in a half circle, all his tired body could manage, before breaking away and yelling upwards at the sky, the rain, at God Himself, “You don’t get Connor McKinley! He’s taken!”

“I’m taken!” Connor agreed and the sky responded with a flash of lightning, cutting through the obscuring rain from far far away and moments later a crash of thunder. “You don’t scare me! I’ve seen Hell and I’m not impressed! I’ve met the Devil and he looks just like me!”

The weight of his words was lost in the perforated air and thrilled Kevin to his core. “You’ve chosen the wrong Mormons to mess with tonight!” he screamed in delight and the world could only answer with more of the same.

“I don’t want to go!” Connor yelled and Kevin must have missed the change in his expression because the smile was gone, though the defiance still raged. “I don’t want to leave! I want to stay! I want to be here with my friends, with Kevin! I want to see more rain! I want to eat more cake! I want to learn more Swahili and hear stories that don’t exist in English! I want my freedom! I want to dance!”

The sky didn’t answer him and Kevin put his arm around him. The two of them stood in the rain, huddled together, occasionally yelling their desires and anger into the wind, and it felt good. It felt right. It was only when a bolt of lightning crashed down somewhere behind them and thunder shook the ground that they finally pushed back inside.

“Don’t make me go to sleep alone tonight,” Connor told him and Kevin followed him to the bathroom where they dried off and cleaned the mud from their shoes before retreating to Connor’s bedroom. They slept in each others’ arms, safe from the storm and damp from the rain.

It was still raining the next day, though not as heavy. The world outside was grey. The whole mission felt solemn when McKinley appeared with his suitcase in hand, and they all wore smiles as they hugged him goodbye. The plan was for McKinley to walk with Poptarts to the bus stop, but because of the rain he made the executive decision to go alone, arguing with everyone that all ten of them going together wasn’t a better solution.

Kevin nearly thought that McKinley had forgotten to say goodbye to him. It wasn’t until after he had hugged everyone else and provided instructions and information to Michaels, that he finally turned to Kevin, a sad smile gracing his features.

Kevin held out a book. The History Boys. It had been sitting in his room for weeks now next to his bed. They had never gotten around to finishing it.

Connor shook his head. “Keep it,” he said.

“It’s your favourite book.”

“One of my favourites. I can survive a year without it.” Kevin looked down at it uncertainly. “Something to remember me by if my letters take too long to get here and an excuse to see me again later.”

Kevin tried to smile. “Thanks.”

They hugged tight, a good hug that Kevin never wanted to be released from. Connor whispered in his ear, “I’m so sorry. If anyone asks, it’s been two weeks.”

“W-“

Before he could get out the question, Connor pulled back and kissed him hard, right there in front of everyone. Kevin would have been embarrassed if he wasn’t so startled. When they pulled away, Connor’s smile was big and Kevin still looked shocked.

“Goodbye everyone!” And then he left the hut for the very last time.

Kevin turned to find everyone else staring at him in something like anticipation. “How long?” Davis asked.

“Two weeks?” Kevin replied.

Neeley whooped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> McKinley voice: Poptarts stares at me. I put up my middle finger at him.
> 
> Sorry about the wait everyone! I had some trouble getting a footing in this chapter and wound up writing most of it today. It's been a complicated few weeks and I've been trying to sort things out, but hopefully the next chapter won't take quite as long. It will probably be the last chapter, actually, so thanks for sticking through it. Thank you for your comments and kudos, I appreciate them so much and I hope you enjoy the approaching end to this story.
> 
> -G


	11. All the Best

Dear Elder Price,

I miss you all so much already! I don’t know how long it’ll take for this letter to get to Uganda, but as of writing this it’s only been two days since I got home. Everyone’s really upset about the whole thing, but I think everything is starting to cool down already. It’s all a little awkward and I keep getting weird looks from people I used to go to church with, but other than that everything’s pretty much the same as I left it. It feels colder, but that might just be me.

My siblings missed me a lot and won’t stop asking about Uganda and I’m pretty sure I’ve retold the entire experience in full at least two times since I got here, but they never seem to get tired of it. Currently, it’s looking like I won’t be going on another mission, but my parents have been talking to the Church to try and figure something out.

How are things on your side of the planet? Did Elder Thomas ever find those forms we were looking for? I swear I left them in the filing cabinet, but who knows. Elder Michaels will need them if you guys ever want to see another shipment of books again.

Also, would you mind handing out the rest of the letters for me? I wasn’t sure how to address them to the villagers so I just packaged them up with the rest of them. Don’t want them to think I’ve just gone and abandoned them! I’m sure Nabulungi’s told them all what’s going on anyways, or at least she’ll have told Mafala.

I trust you all have everything under control, but if you need any information, don’t hesitate to write me and I’ll help you out however I can. Mailing address is on the envelope.

All the best,  
Elder McKinley

~

Dear Elder Price,

I’m so glad everything’s worked out for you all so far! You’re all in very good hands with Elder Michaels and Elder Cunningham.

Good news here as well: They’re letting me back into the Church! Starting next weekend I’m going to start attending services again (every day to try and atone for my sins) and hopefully soon Heavenly Father will forgive me for all that’s happened. I’ve been studying the Book every night in preparation and praying with my parents’ supervision, so I’m certain that in a few months this guilt will be lifted from my shoulders.

I won’t be going on another mission, however, as a precautionary measure (can’t have me messing up another one!) so I’ll be staying here for the time being. After that? Who knows! Maybe I’ll apply for college or find a job close to home, my dad hasn’t decided yet.

Unfortunately, this will be the last you hear from me. I need to focus on my religious studies for the time being and won’t have time to write. Send me a letter when you get back though and maybe we can catch up. Thank you for delivering those letters to the villagers for me, by the way, I’m so glad to hear from them. Maybe someday I’ll be able to go back and catch up properly with them.

In the meantime, good luck with your mission, Elder. I hope you find your way.

All the best,  
Elder McKinley

~

Dear Kevin,

Kevin, I am so, so sorry, I know it must be at least a little confusing, but I can explain. When I got back things were not good, my parents were very upset, but like the kind of upset where they’re really quiet and not really acknowledging the fact that they’re upset. It was horrible, but at least my siblings were happy to see me. But anyways, after a couple of days I asked if I could check up with you all, that I wanted to make sure you weren’t lost without me or whatever, that I missed everyone. They said fine, I could send a letter, they understood you’re all my friends, even if they don’t like it, and so I wrote that first letter.

But I was feeling a little paranoid, you know? So I kept it pretty formal, just in case, and it turned out that was a good idea. When your letter got to me a couple weeks later it looked like it had been opened so I knew they were probably reading my letters too. They wouldn’t let me mail them on my own, so I figured it was best to try to fake them out. I tried to sound as Good Little Mormon Boy as I could and I’m sorry if you thought it was serious, it was just to get some trust from them.

I’m getting my little brother Luke to send this for me, my parents don’t know I wrote it. There’s one for Poptarts too, same envelope, could you make sure he gets it? I wasn’t lying when I said I miss you guys, because I do, I really do.

Everything is so awful here. Everyone who I knew from the Mission Training Center is still gone and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t be able to see them. I’ve been grounded for the foreseeable future, stuck in the house, it’s a nightmare. I’ve got no phone, no computer, just my books and my family. I’m terrified to start going to church again because everyone’s going to know and they’re all going to be judging me and staring and everything, and I’m going to have to pretend like I don’t notice.

I wish you were here, Kevin. Or I don’t wish you were here, but I wish I were with you. I miss you so much. I wish there was a way we could talk to each other and not have to wait forever for a letter to get mailed, I really forgot how dreadful it is. Maybe when I get my phone back we can talk. There are payphones in Kampala and the charges would be insane, but I need to hear the sound of your voice so badly.

Would it be weird to send recordings of ourselves back and forth instead of letters? Actually, no, forget that, it would be super weird and probably expensive and you don’t even have anything you could play a CD on. Letters it’ll have to be. It’s too bad they take so long to get there or I’d be sending them every day, probably. Like, if you want to send a letter every day, keep me up to date on stuff, I would definitely not complain, but that would also probably be weird and ridiculous.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling. It’s so lonely here there’s not really anyone for me to talk to other than Luke and MacKenzie and he’s still in school and she’s at the Missionary Training Center most days so I spend a lot of the day alone. It’s not a big deal, I guess, but there’s only so many times you can reread the same books. I should get a houseplant or something, at least then I’d have something to take care of.

It snowed yesterday, by the way. Just a bit, but it was really nice. I left for Uganda at the end of last fall, so I missed a lot of the snow. I’ll send you a picture sometime to help you cool down. I have to say, I do not miss the heat and humidity, you can keep that; for the first time in a year I’m actually hydrated. I’d forgotten what it was like to not be covered in sweat haha.

I miss you,  
Connor

~

Dear Kevin,

I’m sorry to hear about Miss Uchena, she was a wonderful woman. We all thought she was going to live forever and I think she probably thought so too. Give my condolences to the villagers, okay? It’s got to be hard on everybody, she was such a big presence. 

All the time I spend just sitting around the house, I almost feel guilty. I feel like I should be patching hut roofs or digging wells or something, not living it up in middle class luxury. It feels so unfair. That’s something no one told us about, the guilt you get when you return home after the mission. It’s probably exclusive to missionaries in places like Kitguli, but I wish someone had prepared me for this. We have so much, Kevin, and it’s all so boring and unnecessary and unimportant. I miss working on the garden, getting that dirt under my nails and making something grow. Genuine work, actually making a difference to people.

But I guess that sounds pretty high-and-mighty, they were doing just fine before we got there. Well, not fine, but they were surviving. I’m just some American guy who barged in and decided I lived there whether they wanted me to or not.

Miss Uchena never finished telling me that story about her daughter and the lion. See if you can get the rest of it from her son or one of the other villagers, I’m sure she told it a million times. I want at least one lasting thing to remember her by and a story seems as good as anything physical.

I went back to church last week, first time since I got back, and it was just as isolating as I thought it would be. I caught a couple people staring at me, but most of them had the good grace to do it when I wasn’t looking. And you know how when you get back from the mission you’re supposed to give a sermon on your experiences? Yeah, I don’t think any of us will be getting that opportunity.

To be honest, it was kind of strange to be back in a Mormon church after the Book of Arnold church, I kept accidentally mixing them up in my head. Really weird to have hobbits parading around in your mind when the person giving the sermon is talking about Moroni and ancient New York. It’s also way more boring than I remember. I had to study the Book a lot, so I was mostly back in the headspace at least, enough that I didn’t mess up any hymns, but I would way rather be talking about frogs and dysentery than the power of abstinence and obedience.

I don’t think anyone here has ever gotten laid, actually, all us kids are just produced in a lab somewhere. It would really explain a lot, when you think about it. Everyone’s so up tight I just can’t see it happening.

But anyways, I’ve been going on for long enough. Give everyone a hug from me and make sure Poptarts is actually doing okay. He says he’s fine on his own, but it’s pretty easy to fake on paper. Don’t let him know I asked you, though, I don’t want him thinking I’m going behind his back! I just care about him. And you. And everybody. Make sure everyone is okay, especially you. Be okay, Kevin.

Thinking of you lots,  
Connor

~

Dear Kevin,

You won’t believe what I found the other day! Well, okay, you’ll believe it because of the package I sent that I really hope got there and didn’t get lost or stolen or broken, but I’m trusting you to read the letter first before you open it.

So, lately, in the spirit of the holidays probably, my dad’s been letting me go outside more, which would be great if there was anything to actually do outside in Vermont. But I’ve been going for walks and checking up on my old school and parks and everything, and I found this store on Main Street that was selling all this old junk. I was bored so I decided to check it out because I think it’s new, I’ve never seen it before.

First of all, it smelled terrible, like antiques but older. But I stuck it out because I didn’t have anything better to do that day, and there was all this cool old stuff like little metal toy cars and protest signs from the sixties. Closer to the front was newer stuff: Gameboys and card games and things, the whole place was basically a bad quality second-hand shop. But while I was looking around I found – please open the package here for dramatic effect – polaroid cameras!

There were a bunch of them, most of them still in their boxes, and they were super cheap so I got two, one for me and one for you! It’s better than a digital or film camera since neither of us could use those right now anyways and now I can see your pretty face! Assuming the camera works. And that it got there. And that you remember to take pictures and send them to me. I swear to God, Kevin, you had better send me pictures.

You’ve probably already seen the one I sent, it’s in the envelope. Kind of low quality, but I think that adds character… or something. But that’s me in the middle and the guy holding the camera on the left is Luke (16) and next to me is MacKenzie (18, but she wants me to tell you she’s turning 19 in three weeks). And look at all that snow! It’s been coming down a lot so I guess it’s officially winter. We took the picture in that park I told you about. I think you can see the tree in the background, but it’s pretty fuzzy.

I’m going to send you so many more pictures, just you wait, it’ll cost me a fortune in shipping. The camera alone was a nightmare to figure out without tipping off my parents, but only the best for Mr. Price. Also, Luke deserves a lot of credit for that, he’s been doing a lot of legwork for me. The boy is surprisingly good at keeping his mouth shut and, side note, he’s also almost taller than me now, which I am very not okay with.

But enough about me, I need to know more about what’s going on over there. You mentioned something about flooding, which I definitely need to hear about. Can’t be too bad if you’re sending letters to your boyfriend, but I would appreciate knowing everyone’s still alive. Did Monopoly make it this time? I don’t think it ever fully recovered from the pipe burst, but I didn’t have the heart to put it out of its misery.

Are you guys all really bored with all that rain coming down? I can’t say I’m envious, snow is way better than what you’re putting up with. Oh, actually, Luke and I made a snowman the other day and I got a picture of it, maybe I’ll put that in the envelope too. Guess you’ll find out, huh?

Remember to send me pictures!  
Connor

~

Dear Kevin,

Maybe it’s time to buy some new board games over there? I’m amazed no one’s killed anyone over that High School Musical one, I know Davis has gotten close. I bet you could find some at the market, they’ve got all kinds of strange stuff there. Once I found an old N64 and I was so confused that I almost bought it just for the sake of how weird it was. But for real, if you’re going to be stuck in that hut as much as you say you are, it’d probably do you some good to get some new games or books.

Also, love that picture of Zelder you sent. You can really feel the rage, true piece of art, I put it on the wall over my bed. And that picture of you, too, it’s somewhere. Haha, but honestly, I’m so glad to see your face again. I almost forgot how infuriatingly attractive you are and how lucky I am to have that face in my life.

The pictures I sent probably aren’t as exciting as yours are, just a bunch of selfies and some shots of the city. That one that looks like it’s just black, it’s actually the sky, it just didn’t come out right. I wanted you to see how few stars there are, but the picture being all black was just too funny not to send. I think it gets the point across, don’t you?

So, other updates on me: I still miss you. The end.

Also I got my phone back, which would be great if I had anyone I could text. I can, however, get better quality pictures for you now, but I won’t because it’s not nearly as romantic or fun. I’m a polaroid kind of guy.

I’ve been looking at colleges lately, it’s almost time for applications, and I’ve had to seriously consider what I want to do with the rest of my life. With all the work I did in Uganda I think I might look into some humanitarian things. “All the work.” I was only there for a year, listen to me sounding like I actually made a difference.

But anyways, I actually did look at some colleges in Utah and I think I’ve talked my parents around to it with things like, “think of all the good Mormon influence I’d get out there,” and, “I could have my pick of churches and they’d all be great.” I’d have to take a plane to get there, but it’d be worth it, both to be near you and to be away from them.

Maybe I’ll study literature or something. Or social work, but I don’t think I’d be very good at it. My track record for helping people isn’t exactly gleaming. Maybe theatre. Or maybe I’ll just get a job flipping burgers and work my way up through the ranks, manager of Burger King has a nice ring to it.

I’ll figure it out, there’s still plenty of time.

And don’t forget your promise to come visit me when you get back! If I’m living in Utah I expect to see you so often I get sick of you.

Oh! If I’m living in Utah when you get back I can meet you at the airport! That’d be so cliché, I love it, an airport reunion. I’ll bring you a huge bouquet and hold a sign or something with your name on it and you’ll run to me the moment you get off the plane because somehow I’ll have made it through airport security, and then we’ll make out for five hours until they ask us to leave.

Hm, nah, too much work. I’ll just show up on your doorstep like three weeks later like, “Oh, it’s you, I forgot you were coming back.” And then we’ll shake hands awkwardly and never speak again. Yeah, perfect. Can’t wait for it.

On a totally unrelated note: what’s your favourite kind of flower? No reason, just… asking.

Kisses and handshakes,  
Connor

~

Dear Kevin,

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go radio silent for that long, I just didn’t really know how to respond to you. The fact it was long enough for you to send two letters was not okay and I really am very sorry.

To answer your question, yes, I’m fine, everything’s fine. I haven’t been found out, there’s not been a sudden world ending disaster that somehow avoided Uganda, it was just me being stupid. I meant to respond to you, I really did, but then I just kept leaving it until I felt too guilty to respond and then it was this whole mess, but it was all my fault and I won’t do it again, I promise.

I wasn’t really expecting that last part of your letter and it kind of threw me for a loop. You have to understand I’ve never really been in this kind of position before and no one really tells you what to do if you can’t say it so it just ends up being awkward and the silence gets misunderstood and you start to think maybe they hate you even though they just said they didn’t.

It’s not that I don’t feel the same way, I’m just not really at a place right now where I can figure out what way I am feeling let alone say it, you know? It’s not a reflection on you, it’s just me not knowing how to handle it and ugh I’m probably just making you feel worse, so I’m sorry for that too, I’ll just shut up now.

I’ve applied for colleges, by the way, mostly in Utah, but a few out of state and one here in Vermont. Haven’t heard anything yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

Connor

~

Dear Kevin,

I did some research now that I’ve gotten my computer back, so I can finally say, definitively and without a doubt that the movie Hook got a 29% freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I’m still not sure why you needed to know this and why it couldn’t wait just a few more months, but there you have it. The audience score is 76%, though, so it’s not all bad news.

MacKenzie’s gone on her mission now so it’s just me and Luke at home. It feels way too empty. Libby and Ben stop by every now and then to catch up, but most of the time it’s just the two of us and our parents.

Ben’s getting married to some girl he hadn’t even met yet when I left for Uganda, so I’m excited for the wedding, but it still feels really weird. It’s like I missed out on this major part of his life even though I actually didn’t. She seems nice, though, they’re good together. She’s Mormon too, of course, so why wouldn’t they be.

I wish I could take you as my date, but I guess I’ll be going alone. I never even really thought about that, actually, having to pretend to be single for as long as I’m alive so they don’t figure out I’m not what they think I am. Confirmed Bachelor McKinley. Old fashioned, but accurate, I think.

Do you think a floral suit would be too much? Conservative Mormon wedding and all, maybe I should just stick to blue. But I want some pizzazz, you know? If I’m going to be gay I might as well get into the fashion. I don’t think anyone here is aware enough of how gay people dress to pick up on it. I know this because yesterday I Googled, “how to dress gay,” and I have to tell you it was very informative. History was erased immediately, but not before I got in a few hours of in-depth research. Knowledge is power.

I think I’d like to go to Pride someday. Not anytime soon, obviously, but once I’m detached enough from the rest of the family. I’d wear glitter and rainbows and just really go for it. Connor McKinley doesn’t half-ass anything.

I have to admit, it’s been… really hard to be back in the closet. A lot harder I think than it was before I left. I’d only just gotten comfortable with myself and now I can’t do anything that even hints at who I am. I didn’t even tell Luke and McKenzie about it, they just think you and I are really good friends, because I can’t risk them telling anyone. Who’d have thought I would have more freedom in Uganda than I do at home.

At the very least I can admit to myself who I am, which is more than I had before. And I have you, too, and Poptarts. It gets lonely, but I just keep reminding myself how little time is left before you finally come home. I can’t wait to see you again. I love the pictures you send, but I have to hide them just in case, so I don’t get to look at them nearly enough. Talking to you on the phone the other week was nice too. I wish we could do it more, but it’s such a long trip to Kampala for you, it’s just not worth it.

Not long now, though. It’s marked out on my calendar and everything, just a big red exclamation mark. Do you know what day you’ll arrive? I know it’s a few months yet, but it pays to be prepared. Did your parents ever get back to you?

Talk soon,  
Connor

~

Dear Kevin,

I got accepted! University of Utah and Westminster College both accepted me, I just got the letters the other day! Didn’t get into Brigham Young so far, much to my family’s disappointment, but they keep saying there’s still time. I don’t think I would go even if I did get accepted, though, I’d much rather go to U of U or WC. They’re more expensive, sure, but I can figure that out. What’s a few thousand in student debt anyways?

If I go to one of the two I’d be right in Salt Lake City. Where do you live there? You never told me. I’m not going to get all stalkerish, don’t worry, I’m just curious.

I also got accepted to a couple colleges closer to home, but honestly they’re not that great, they were just for backup. My dad tried to convince me to apply for LDS Business College, but no way. Could you imagine me as a businessman? Sitting in board rooms discussing budgeting or, Heavenly Father forbid, a cubicle? The suit, I could live with.

I’m probably going to go to U of U, they have a great humanities department and also a school of dentistry according to Wikipedia??? Maybe I’ll become a dentist while trying to study Shakespeare, who knows, it might be my real calling. Thomas Monson went here, maybe he’s actually a dentist.

I’m going to try to find a place to live off-campus since it would probably be cheaper in the long run. And I know we never really brought it up again, but I want you to know the offer still stands. If you wanted to come stay with me. I don’t know what your family is like, I don’t know what living with them is like, but I have an idea of the kind of people they are. If something goes wrong or if you just need to get away from them for a bit, you’ve always got somewhere to go, okay?

Okay.

The campus looks pretty nice from the pictures. A little sterile, I think it could use more trees, but serviceable at least.

I think when I go there I’ll take a dance class. There won’t be anyone to tell me I can’t so why not, right? Follow your dreams and all that. I don’t know what kind of dance, though, I’m not sure what kind they offer. Maybe tap. Or hip hop. I could be your cool hip hop boyfriend. I’ll need to start saying “yo” so I hope you’re okay with that because it’s happening whether you like it or not.

I’ll be in Salt Lake City when you come home. I’ll be right on time to welcome you back to solid ground, it couldn’t have timed out better. Plan cliché airport reunion is go.

Ready with the bouquet,  
Connor

~

Dear Kevin,

Sorry for the wait, but a lot’s been happening and I haven’t had a chance to sit down and write. Ben had his wedding and it was spectacular! I got to be one of his groomsmen, which meant no floral suit unfortunately, but I got to stand close enough that the bride could see me crying while she was saying her vows. (I’m kidding, of course, you’re dating a very macho and emotionally sturdy man who definitely doesn’t cry when two people confess their love to one another in heart wrenching speeches in possibly the most beautiful summer wedding the world has ever seen.)

I’m going to describe it to you in detail because I’m like that and you’re stuck with me. It was in a fancy hall in New Hampshire where they live, not one of those disgustingly gigantic ones, but a small nice one in the countryside and the weather was perfect so they had an outdoor reception. The colour scheme was white, pale blue, and dark red, which it way more beautiful than it sounds, and the flowers were stunning and the table décor was magnificent and the food was divine and ugh I could go on forever about it.

Their first dance was so romantic and amazing and they are so, so in love, and the bride’s dress was so elegant and Ben looked great in his tux. Everything was amazing and perfect and none of it was too much. It was such a good night, especially when the best man gave his speech, it was hilarious. I wish you could have been there.

We should go dancing sometime. I was sitting by the dance floor watching all the couples dance and just wishing I could too. I wound up dancing with a couple of cousins I haven’t seen since I was five, but it was that fun dancing where everyone just makes it up as they go along and no one really cares. I want to slow dance with you, Kevin. I think you would be so good at it. I’ve never done it before, but it can’t be that hard, just a lot of swaying.

Romantic swaying, mind you.

I sent you a couple pictures of me in my tux, taken with my phone because I need you to know how good I looked and I can’t trust Polaroid with that. Enjoy the luxury, Price, it’s the best I’ve looked in years. Do you like my hair, by the way? I’m trying something new, but I’m not sure. Libby said it looked good, but Luke told me it made by face look small, so really there’s no way of knowing. I trust your judgment, though. And don’t you lie to me, I can tell.

In the meantime, I’ve found a place to live in Utah and I’ve accepted the acceptance, so I am officially enrolled at University of Utah. Go Utes!

Few more months and you’ll be back here with me. I know I say that in every letter, but I really am just so excited. And sure, maybe it is still more than a few months, but I’m going to keep saying a few until it’s true because it makes me feel better.

Oh, the other pictures in the envelope are also from the wedding, by the way. I think there’s some of the flower arrangements, the dance floor, Ben and his wife, Olivia, the front of the hall, all kinds of stuff. You don’t have to look at it if you don’t want to, I just thought it was pretty.

And I’m sorry you had to wait so long, but…

I love you too,  
Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay turns out I lied and there's one more chapter. I didn't expect this one to be this long, so I opted against combining them. Also, the next one is already half finished, so the wait will be way shorter than these past few updates have been. Not long now until the reunion!
> 
> -G


	12. What the Church Made Him

When Kevin stepped off the plane he wasn’t sure what to expect. He knew what he hoped. He hoped Connor would be there, smiling and happy and waiting for him. He hoped they could hug and kiss and finally, finally be with each other again. He was hoping for some kind of make believe happily ever after. But he didn’t get it.

Mr. Price was waiting for him at the baggage claim. They didn’t say much, though they hugged, and once the luggage was collected they left in a hurry. Kevin barely had time to say goodbye to Arnold who was in the midst of a teary reunion with his parents, who were much happier to see him than Kevin’s father was to see his son.

It wouldn’t have made sense for Connor to be there if Kevin was being realistic. He was in school and barely had time to write letters those days let alone make the trip across town to the airport to meet his boyfriend. Not only that, but a hug and a kiss? Downright fantasy. With either of his parents there, any sort of affection would have been impossible and they would have had to settle for a handshake and barely composed smiles. No, it wouldn’t have made any sense at all.

But it was hard not to feel let down.

There was a period of dread while he was in the car, staring out at the world passing by, the ground damp but the sky bright in the familiar early spring fashion. It was colder than he remembered it and his suit jacket wasn’t quite enough to ward off the chill. He wondered if Connor had moved on from him. He wondered if all he had to look forward to was a distant family attempting to come to terms with disgrace. He wondered what he was meant to do now.

When they arrived home, Kevin’s siblings gave him chipper, but restrained hello’s, giving him the feeling that they weren’t quite sure how they were supposed to behave, or perhaps that they had been told exactly how to behave. His mother’s greeting was warmer, but not as warm as the goodbye two years earlier. Only the dinner that night was warm.

He wanted to text Connor or call him, but his cellphone had been shut down while he was gone. “I’m not paying for a plan no one’s using,” his father had said. He couldn’t use the home phone because he couldn’t remember the number. It had been months since they had spoken over the phone, and he had long since lost the letter that contained the number. So laying in bed that night he typed out Connor’s name into the Facebook search bar on the computer he had stolen from his mother when she had gone to sleep.

All of the pictures were old. There wasn’t a single one since his return, the most recent being a proud family shot in the airport before Connor had boarded that fateful flight to Uganda. He sent a friend request and waiting, refreshing every few minutes, for at least an hour before giving up and going to sleep.

He was woken up at 7am by a knock on his door. The early hour wouldn’t have bothered him had his body not been convinced it was actually 4pm. As it was, he dragged himself up out of bed and joined his family for breakfast.

“You get today to rest,” his father said, between mouthfuls of scrambled eggs. “But tomorrow I expect you to be productive. The house could use a good cleaning. You remember where the vacuum is?”

Once breakfast was finished, teeth were brushed, hair tidied, and suddenly Kevin was alone. He hadn’t been alone in two years.

It was unusual to have nothing to do. It was difficult to get used to. He desperately wanted a nap, but he knew that if he did then he might not sleep that night, so he set himself in front of the television and caught himself up on current events, trying to let the voices of the news anchors dispel his loneliness.

Around eleven he decided he had had enough and got dressed, discomforted to notice that his clothes were all just a bit too loose, and made himself lunch. He checked Facebook again and once again found there was no notification.

It wasn’t that he felt abandoned, but he did feel a little reduced. It was like he had shrunken down and become unnoticeable, too small for Connor to remember now that he had built a life for himself. Was he that unimportant to Connor that he could be dropped so easily?

No. No he wasn’t, he wasn’t unimportant, he wasn’t a nobody, he was Kevin Price. He was a big and loud and flawed individual and he would not be forgotten.

Kevin had been sending his letters to Connor’s new address for a few months now, so he had it memorized easily. The buses were difficult to navigate after being away from them for so long, but he figured it out and got himself across town. The address Connor had given him led to a squat apartment complex with buzzers by the door and he found the one that was meant to be Connor’s and pressed it.

“Hello?” came a voice he did not recognize.

“Hi, is Connor McKinley there?” he asked, heart thrumming.

“No, sorry, he just left. Who is this?”

His shoulders fell in defeat and he sighed, disappointment and anxiety rising in his stomach. “Kevin Price. Can you tell him I was here?”

“Kevin?” The voice sounded taken aback and the quiet buzz of the speaker cut out briefly before returning as he said. “Go home, dude, you gotta get home.”

Confused, Kevin furrowed his brow. “Why? You’ll tell him I was here, right?”

“Yes, I’ll tell him. Go home.”

The buzz cut out again and after a moments consideration, Kevin followed the instructions and left.

Walking back up his street, hands shoved deep in his jacket pockets, he stared at the sidewalk in determination. If the person in that apartment told Connor he had been there then there was no way Connor could go on ignoring him. Or… he supposed it wasn’t really ignoring if they had no way to get in contact. There was no way he could forget him, then. He would return to that apartment every day that week if it was necessary.

When he neared his house he looked up. He slowed. There was someone sitting on his front porch. Against his better judgment, his heart started to pound. There was no way it could be him. He didn’t know the address, he didn’t know the neighbourhood, there was no reason to believe he could have found him. But the closer he got the less he could ignore the red tinge to the figure’s hair, the pale skin that refused to tan, and when he called out, “Connor?” the face that shot up was undeniable.

Connor stood up. For a breathless moment neither of them moved. And then they were both running. Kevin’s heart was racing in his throat, he didn’t even feel his legs, didn’t feel the impact of his sneakers on the pavement. All he could feel was desperation and something else, loud and intense.

Connor rounded the end of the walkway and met Kevin on the sidewalk where they slammed into one another, hugging so hard they couldn’t breathe. One of them whispered, “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” over and over, muffled by a shoulder and trembling. And, jeez, Kevin was crying. He didn’t really care, let the tears force their way past his tight-shut eyes, drip into Connor’s hair, and he was smiling uncontrollably, sobbing through a grin.

One of the two of them pulled back just enough that they had space to kiss, long and hard, desperation in every move. Kevin needed to feel him, needed to touch him and smell him and see him and never, never let him go again.

But he did let him go, spurred by the sudden memory that they were out on the sidewalk, completely exposed for any prying neighbour to see, and satisfied himself with holding Connor’s face between his hands and examining every inch of his beaming face.

He looked different. His hair was still neatly combed into place and his smile and watery eyes were familiar as ever, but there was something about him that had changed. For one thing, it was strange to see him in clothes that weren’t adorned with a collar and tie, but it wasn’t quite that either. He seemed open and confident. He seemed bright and compressed. It was like some odd combination of the Connor he had first met and the Connor he had fallen in love with, the two melted together and then evolved. He seemed like himself and hardly at all what the Church had made him.

“How did you find me?” Kevin asked, running his thumbs across Connor’s cheeks, unable to look away. “I never told you were I lived, how did you get here?”

“Don’t you remember? You told me the street, I just had to knock on a few doors,” Connor replied with a shrug and a laugh. “I’m- Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, Kevin, I wanted to meet you at the airport yesterday, I wanted to be there, but I just- I couldn’t do it, you know? I was scared, I was really scared that maybe it would be different and I know that’s stupid, but- and I had class that day so I sort of made an excuse to myself…”

“Connor, I don’t care,” Kevin laughed. “I’m so glad to see you. I’ve never been happier to see someone in my life. I’m just happy you’re here!”

He pulled him into another hug, brief this time, before placing a hand on his back and directing him back up the walkway to the house.

“Let’s go inside,” he said, casting a glance back at the watchful windows of his neighbours’ houses.

“Is this you?” Connor asked once they were back indoors.

Kevin rounded the corner with a couple of mugs of hot chocolate to find Connor standing before the living room bookshelf, which sported an array of family photos.

“Which one?”

“This one.”

“No, that’s Jack.” He handed a mug to Connor and then pointed to a different image. “That one’s me.”

A smile split Connor’s face. “You were so cute!”

“Were?”

Connor gave him a wry glance. “First time we see each other in a year and this is really how you want to start it?”

Kevin grinned and gave him a lingering kiss. It felt unreal to have Connor here, to finally be able to touch him and kiss him. And it also felt wrong and scary to do those things in that moment, in that house, with images of his parents staring back at them from the bookshelf. But the joy outweighed the fear and he tried to suppress it as well as he could.

“The Prices have a very strong family resemblance, by the way,” Connor told him as they sat down on the couch. “I’ve never seen such strong genetic consistency. You really get your looks from your dad.”

“Oh God, don’t say that. Let’s not talk about my dad, I don’t want to have to remember any of that.”

“Where is everyone?”

“Mom and dad are at work, kids are at school. Only an hour before they get out.”

Connor looked concerned. “That’s not very much time.”

“You don’t have to leave, they won’t care you’re here. We’ll tell them we were in Uganda together, they don’t need to know the rest of it. Stay for dinner.”

Connor looked down at his drink and Kevin immediately felt he had made a misstep. “Are you really okay with lying to your parents just for me?”

He was willing to do just about anything for Connor. “I sort of have to, don’t I?” He tried to smile, but Connor met his eye with apprehension.

“I didn’t want to live with my family because I knew I couldn’t lie to them anymore. I just didn’t have the strength to do it. I need to be me, I couldn’t go back after Uganda, it wasn’t right. I wasn’t brave enough for that.” Kevin listened, uncertain where this was going and worried he had ruined their first time back together already. “I don’t want you to have to hide that, no one should have to.”

“Connor, I’m not going to-“

“Come live with me.”

Kevin didn’t reply at first. Connor was looking at him in such earnest, his brow creased and looking so beautiful and so gentle, the sight of him almost destroyed him.

“I just got back.”

“Come live with me next week then, or just stay for a while with me, I hate thinking of you staying here.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Kevin, I know what it’s like. Coming back to a house like this after everything we’ve gone through, everything we’ve done. It’s the hardest thing in the world. You’ve still got pictures and memories and you’ve got Arnold, which is more than I had, but the tan lines will fade in a few weeks and the callouses will go away and suddenly it’s like it never happened. Except everything is different, you’re different, and people treat you different, and it’s horrible. And on top of all that you’re hiding from everybody, telling lies every day, and everything’s different, but everything’s the same, and everyone’s grown up and moved on and you’ve changed, but you have to pretend like you haven’t.”

The crease in his brow had changed into a whole face of distress and Kevin put his mug on the coffee table and put Connor’s there too and then he hugged him and he wished this wasn’t so familiar. “I missed you so much,” Connor sobbed into Kevin’s shoulder, gripping his back far too tightly. “I missed you, God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“Come stay with me. Please.”

“Wouldn’t your roommates care?”

“No, they knew about this, they knew I’d told you you could. And, God, it feels so good to have someone who knows.”

“Connor,” Kevin said, running a hand up his back, still marveling at the feeling of Connor McKinley beneath his hand, trying to find the nerve to say what he’d only written so far. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Connor said into his shoulder, and Kevin felt like he was going to cry all over again. “Stay with me.”

“Yes.”

“Stay with me.”

“I said ‘yes’.”

“I know I was just making sure.”

Kevin laughed and he felt lucky. He felt blessed. He loved Connor and Connor loved him back and it was an overwhelming sensation.

“Drink your hot chocolate, it’s getting cold.”

Connor sat up and laughed, rubbing his eyes. “You know, I was going to bring you flowers like I said, but you never got back to me on your favourite kind. I would’ve done sunflowers, I know you like those, but I don’t think they’re in season.”

“No flowers are in season yet, it’s too early. Drink your hot chocolate.”

Connor took a sip and smiled a little into his mug. “Do you actually mean it? That you’ll stay with me?”

“Yeah. You were right, anywhere would be better than here.” He blew some imaginary steam off his drink. “I should stay here for a while, though, at least a couple weeks. I don’t want them to think I’m running off.”

“Well, you kind of are.”

“No, I’m moving on with my life. I lived in Uganda for two years, I think I can handle being on my own now.” He took a long drink and could feel Connor watching him. When he looked up the breath left his body at the affection in his eyes. “What are you staring at?”

“You.”

“Like you’ve never seen me before.”

Connor shrugged. “It’s been so long I’d almost forgotten what you looked like.”

“I sent pictures.”

“It’s different in person. You’re very photogenic, but I like the real deal better.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

They smiled at one another for a long moment, happy enough just to be together, the space between them comfortable, and their affection a little out of shape, but steadily returning to something familiar and warm.

A realization suddenly dawned on Kevin and he said, “Oh!” before setting down his drink and standing up hurriedly. “One second, I almost forgot.” He left Connor waiting patiently and jogged up the stairs to his room where he retrieved the forgotten object and then hurried right back down. “I was going to give this back to you at the airport, but… well… as good a time as any, I guess.”

Connor took the book from Kevin with a smile. “The History Boys,” he said. “Did you ever finish it?”

“Yeah, I did,” Kevin said as he sat back down. “And I have to say, I did not sign up for that ending. I don’t know how you can read that multiple times.”

“It’s good!”

“It’s good but it’s sad! I thought they were going to get a happy ending!”

“I told you they didn’t,” Connor said, utterly amused by Kevin’s distress. “You knew it had a sad ending.”

“I know, I just sort of… hoped it wouldn’t.” Brooding, he took a sip of his hot chocolate. It was entering the window of perfect temperature in which one had to drink fast before it suddenly and upsettingly became cold.

“The movie’s not as bad,” Connor said. Kevin threw him a look. “It’s still sad, but it’s not as sad. We should watch it sometime. As far as adaptations go, it’s not bad. Samuel Barnett does a great job as Posner.”

“I have no idea who that is.”

“Okay, so we’re watching this movie as soon as physically possible.”

Kevin smiled and squinted at Connor. “You asking me out on a date?”

“Well, we’ve never actually been on one.” His face suddenly lit up with shock and he stared wide-eyed at Kevin. “Kevin, we’ve never actually been on a date. We’ve never done it. How could we let this happen.”

“Well, some of us were in Uganda, so…”

“Not anymore, though,” Connor chided. “We have to go on a date. Jeez, our first date.”

“What’ll I wear?” Kevin teased and Connor smacked his arm.

“I’m being serious, Kevin, this is important. First dates are the basis for a good relationship. How am I supposed to know you’re the one if we never go on a date?”

“You only get one shot at a good first impression,” Kevin agreed. “And I seem to remember you saying you would like to go dancing. You wanna go dancing with me?”

Connor put on a mock-fluster and fanned himself. “Oh, goodness, well, this is all so sudden. And isn’t dancing a little forward for a first date?”

“Well, if you don’t want to…”

“Of course I’ll go dancing with you, Kevin!” Connor gushed, smile bright enough to blind the sun, and Kevin’s heart was already dancing in his chest. “Somewhere nice, but not too expensive. I want to slow dance at some point, but we need some livelier numbers in there too. If it’s dark I can be as bad at it as I want and you won’t be able to see when I get all sweaty.”

“I’m pretty sure we’ve both already seen each other at our worst,” Kevin said.

“Yeah, but this is a whole new era of the Kevin/Connor relationship. No more being lazy, time to start taking it seriously.”

“I don’t mind being lazy.”

Connor laughed. “Yeah, me neither. But we should at least try, you know? Now that we have the opportunity.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“You guess. You’re damn right I’m right.”

Kevin laughed and tried to pull Connor in closer. “Either I’d forgotten what you’re like or you’ve gotten way more bossy and confident in yourself. It’s a good look on you.”

Connor held his mug out, trying to keep from spilling and submitted himself to getting his cheek kissed. “That kink of yours never rests, huh?” He turned his head to let Kevin kiss him properly. “And I’d forgotten how handsy you can be.”

“Me?” Kevin laughed incredulously. “Have you met yourself?”

“I have been nothing but respectful to your personal space since I got here,” Connor replied, a gleam in his eye. “Now if you would be so kind, I would like to finish my hot chocolate that you so sweetly made for me.”

“You look so good out of your missionary uniform,” Kevin told Connor as he finished off the last of his drink. “You always looked best when you loosened your tie.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“Stay for dinner,” Kevin asked again, arms tight around Connor’s waist. “Just one more night of pretend.”

Connor considered him for a moment, a soft smile growing on his features. His eyes were still damp and his cheeks pink from crying, and Kevin couldn’t begin to imagine how he looked. “Okay,” Connor said, because any opportunity to be with Kevin was a good opportunity. Any instant together was a meaningful one.

The moment Connor put his empty mug down, Kevin captured his lips in another kiss, desperate to make up for the lost time they had suffered through. The chocolate lingered on their lips and Kevin gladly tasted it, content to let the moment go on forever. If there was ever anything he could trust, anything he could find happiness in, it was him and Connor alone on a couch.

The chilly spring sun was growing low in the sky, buds on trees illuminated sharply outside the window, and the quiet street extended shadows across freshly cut grass. Salt Lake City thrummed with life around them, but in the little bubble of suburb, it was absolutely still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End
> 
> A toast to the first multi-chapter fic I've ever finished. Thank you guys so much for the kudos and comments and for sticking through this with me. I hope you all enjoyed it!
> 
> Also shoutout to google for reluctantly telling me that most Mormons do in fact drink hot chocolate, I saw more in those forums than I needed to.
> 
> -G


End file.
